You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory
by Peyt4Luke4eva
Summary: AU Leyton. Lindsey Scott found it got harder and harder to look at her daughter without seeing her husband's first love staring back at her.
1. Chapter 1

This is a story that I've had in the back of my mind for a while. I always planned not to post it until my other one was finished. However everything fell into place for me with it and I just couldn't resist. The updates to begin with may not be too frequent as my other story has always been my baby and I want to do it true justice but as it is nearing the end hopefully this one will be posted quicker soon enough. It is very different from my other story.

This story is semi of AU. Everything up until the end of Season 4 did happen. However after graduation things played out a little differently. I'm not going to go into specifics as I don't want to give too much away. If you have any questions I will try to answer them but I do love a mystery and I will answer most queries as the story progresses. I'll stop now. Let me know what you think and whether it's worth continuing with.

**You Can't Put Your Arms around a Memory**

**Chapter 1 - Bitter Glass**

Twenty four year old Lucas Scott stirred slowly from his peaceful slumber. The quiet darkness that had hung over his home was gradually penetrated by the high pitched wails of his baby girl. It was the third consecutive night that this had happened. Reaching a hand over to his bedside table he pulled the clock radio around to face him. 4:45 glowed back at him.

With a low grunt he pushed back against the sheets and blankets and then swung his legs over the bed. He cast a brief glance at his wife curled on the left side. Her back was towards him. He could tell instinctively that she was awake. Her figure was rigid and her breathing was shallow. He knew by experience now that she was a light sleeper and merely chose to ignore the disturbance.

The chilly edge of a Tree Hill winter was now beginning to set in and Lucas grabbed his robe from the back of the door. He then moved across the hall and into the nursery. Isabelle Scott lay in the crib on her back, her face red from crying and she was presently kicking her legs in discomfort.

"Hey baby," he said softly picking up his beautiful eleven month old daughter and cradling her in his arms. "What's the matter huh?" It was unusual for her to do this now; the nights of disrupted sleep had been a thing of the past. For a good couple of months now she had slept straight through until he came in to get her for her morning feed.

His little girl had quietened a little now as she became aware of his presence. He rubbed his index finger over her chubby cheek.

"That's my girl," he pressed a kiss to the crown of her thin blonde ringlets. Her forehead was warm and clammy to touch and Lucas frowned. He made a mental note to take her to the doctor's surgery first thing tomorrow. He knew he worried too much, his close family and friends joked that he was going to be an overprotective and over bearing father. From the moment Izzy had first come into the world he had known that she was the most precious gift in the world to him. And as soon as his baby had been placed in his arms he knew that their bond would complete him and that he would always adore her. He knew he fussed over her but he could help it.

Lucas moved to the rocking chair and settled them both there. She let her big green eyes settle on him then and smiled. He gave a crooked grin back as he cooed over her. He could always pacify her eventually. His sister-in-law Haley had always proclaimed that he just had that magic touch. It had worked with his nephew Jamie and it seemed to work now for his otherwise inconsolable girl. He sat there rocking the chair back and forth and watching over his child.

In the bedroom Lindsey Scott turned over onto her back. She stared up at the ceiling not being able to get back to sleep since Izzy's crying fit. She tried so hard not to let those awful feelings of emptiness and insecurity back in to occupy her mind. It was useless though and she soon found herself rising from the now cold sheets and crossing the dimly light hallway. She stood in the doorway to the nursery and watched her husband and daughter. Lucas held Izzy so tenderly to his chest as they slept. She inwardly cursed herself as she felt her envy at how flawlessly they fitted together. She herself felt so detached from Isabelle.

She let out a sigh as she brushed back her tangled locks. She sometimes wondered why she couldn't just let go and be happy. She had married the perfect man and they had the child that they always wanted. They lived together as the perfect little family; Lucas was coaching the Tree Hill Ravens and was on the way to having his book published. On the surface everything was perfect.

Lindsey crept quietly downstairs and into the kitchen. She put on a fresh batch of coffee and took the mug of steaming liquid into the lounge. She sat on the couch and drew her legs under herself. Her eyes fell upon her platinum wedding band and she tried to push all her fears aside. They had been so happy as they stood in front of friends and family two years ago. She had won her man.

Her attention turned to their wedding photo to confirm her belief. Sure enough she was that beautiful white gown designed by Brooke Davis. Lucas had his arms wrapped around her and was grinning broadly. She stood up then, forgetting the coffee and crossed to the other side of the room.

What held her eye now caused her brow to wrinkle and her concerned anxiety reached new heights. She held the frame in shaking hands as she stared at the image.

Lindsey had always felt inferior to Peyton Sawyer. She had read through her husband's first book many times. It was that very work of art that had drawn Lindsey to the young author in the first place.

She knew how careful and meticulous his had been as he chose his words to describe his beautiful heroine. As she stared at the pictures that were displayed on their mantel she couldn't deny one simple fact. That no matter how hard she tried to make him happy now and be the perfect wife she could never recapture that smile he had worn throughout High School. The pictures of Lucas at the state championship and the pictures of him with Peyton haunted her every waking moment. He had never looked so happy. The smile was coveted, a secret reserved for a time when Lucas had felt truly alive and content.

He no longer seemed to possess that pure flame within him and Lindsey was haunted by the fact that her husband had loved someone else more. She was forced to admit to herself that she couldn't compete with a memory of perfection and she couldn't compete with Lucas's love for his daughter now.

Lindsey was a prisoner in her own life. She had wanted this. She had made this happen. She had married Lucas. She had asked him for a child and when she couldn't conceive she had made the ultimate sacrifice. Tears stung at her eyes and she sank back onto the couch letting her sorrow take her over.

The brunette in his life now knew she could never match up to the little girl in her husband's arms upstairs now. Nor could she ever compete with the one person she saw staring back at her whenever she looked into little Izzy's green eyes.

**A/N - Well I know it was short, kind of like a test shot but drop me a review and let me know whether I should continue. Thanks ;)**

**Also for anyone following my other story, I've been in a bad place for a week or so and writing the story can be hard for me at times. But I am still on it and it is coming and I plan to have two chapters up next week.**


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note – Hey there everyone. Sorry it's been awhile, this was going to be at the weekend if it hasn't been the site playing up. The response to this story was so amazing. Thank you so much to everyone for the wonderful reviews, interest and alerts. How could I not continue now right? :)

So I know a lot of you have questions as to Peyton's whereabouts and Izzy's parentage etc. All will be revealed in due course. This story is going to contain a lot of flashbacks to build the full picture of what went on. This chapter is mainly an insight as where Lucas and Lindsey are right now. Please bear with me as I want to set everything up gradually before I hit the full swing of the story.

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 2 – Little House**

Lucas drove himself and Lindsey back in silence following their dinner at Nathan and Haley's. The evening had started so well as the four had got together over a lavish dinner that Haley had prepared. It was a bi-weekly ritual that they had all tried to keep up so they could catch up with the goings on in their otherwise busy lives. It was a tradition both brothers had wanted to uphold as neither had really had that luxury growing up.

Over coffee and dessert the conversation had grown more animated as talk focused on Lucas's coaching, with the assistance of Skills Taylor and Nathan, and finally taking the Tree Hill Ravens to the state championships to reclaim the title that they themselves had won back in Senior Year.

Lucas had looked at his wife from across the large mahogany dining table as she stared into the dark depths of her cup of coffee. She had been withdrawn all evening. Gone were the days where she didn't feel like a real part of the family. In fact she and his childhood best friend Haley James Scott had become very close over the past couple of years. Nathan was fond of her and Jamie referred to her as "Auntie Lindsey."

As Lucas went to help Haley clear away after dinner she had further added to his concerns as she asked, "is everything ok with you and Lindsey?"

He had wanted to shrug it all off with a straight forward "yes." However he couldn't do that. He couldn't help but feel more and more distanced from his wife. "It's been a little strained," he had answered as honestly as possible. "Lindsey isn't really bonding with Izzy. And she's shutting herself away from me."

Haley gave a little smile, "Luke, have you tried talking to her? Starting a new family can put a strain on a marriage. Especially when you both have busy career lives too. Believe me I know."

Lucas furrowed his brow, "I think that with everything that's happened over the past year we've kind of grown apart."

The petite little brunette then gave him some of her worldly advice, "you know the key to a good marriage is communication Luke. Nathan and I have had our share of problems as you know. Talk to her Lucas. Nathan and I can take Izzy for the night. Give you two some proper couple time."

-- --

Despite Haley telling him he should really talk with Lindsey Lucas had driven home in silence. He didn't really know what to say to her. And part of him was afraid of what she might say as he questioned her. He loved her, he truly did. But their marriage had become increasingly tense. So as he reached the familiarity of his own white fronted house Lucas slowly drew the mustang onto the driveway and silently climbed out of the car and entered the house, leaving his wife to follow.

Lindsey found Lucas standing in front of the fridge, his features illuminated only by its light. He was chugging down a beer as if it was water.

"I'm sorry," she said feebly as she joined him in the kitchen. "I know that I have been off all day. And I haven't meant to. I just really hate being that girl. The girl who's insecure."

Lucas let out a loud sigh as he closed the fridge door and turned to face her. He had heard those words uttered so many times. Frankly he was tired of hearing them. Everything between them had been so easy in the beginning. Lindsey had been confident and wilful. Lucas truly believed that's why he had fallen for her so easily. After all he was used to having strong women in his life. He had been raised single handedly by his mother who had also set up two successful businesses whilst raising him.

He had become close to Lindsey Strauss as they spent every evening for the best part of a year editing his book. It had been an experience as they argued heatedly and butted heads like a married couple over every small detail but it had strengthened their bond and relationship. She believed in his writing. She saw something special within him and had helped nurture it. The junior editor had become someone that Lucas needed and wanted in his life. But somewhere down the line Lindsey had become more and more unsure of herself.

"I married you Lindsey. I chose you," he uttered then.

"I know," she replied and folded her arms across her chest. She blamed herself more for the fractures in the marriage than she blamed him. She was the one shutting him out; she was the one questioning him. But she also blamed _her_. The one person who even now managed to fuel her anxieties. "This is all just so hard for me. You're amazing with Izzy. You're an amazing father. And I'm not the mother I wanted to be." She stared into the dark shadows of the room as she didn't want to see his eyes as they stared back at her.

Lucas took a deep breath and raked a hand through his short hair. "Do you ever feel guilty Linds?" he asked in a low voice. He couldn't help but let the words pass his lips.

At his response Lindsey turned her gaze finally to his very blue eyes and she tried so desperately not to see him as the relative stranger that he was so quickly becoming. So many times he had asked that very same question with a look or a motion but this was the first time that he had vocalised it and it caught her off guard. She felt that guilt down to her very core. She had carried it and it gnawed its way through her mind, body and soul.

"I never forced you into anything," she stated in her defence. And skilfully avoided having to answer the question.

"No," her husband set the beer bottle down then with a heavy clink on the counter. "No you're right. It was my choice. I made it. And I'd make it again. I'd always make that choice."

"I know you would." Lindsey felt a sob catch in her throat. "And I love you for that Lucas I really do." She moved to him now. He had made sacrifices too. For them. For her. "I just want things the way they were in the beginning," she said softly then. "Remember our first summer together in New York during your book tour. That afternoon we just lay together in the grass in Central Park. You'd just asked me to marry you. I want that back Lucas. You know it's exactly three years today that we got engaged."

Lucas felt his stomach sink. Truth was he hadn't matched the dates because he had been preoccupied with taking Izzy to the doctor first thing. He had failed to process what today had meant to her. Lucas Scott had always been attentive, romantic. "Linds, I...."he began.

The brunette moved to him then and pushed her body up against his own. "It's ok. We've both been busy. I know a way that we could make it up to each other." She traced a hand over his arm and raised her eyes to meet his. "We have the house all to ourselves since Izzy is staying at Nathan and Haley's" She then pressed her lips to the stubble of his cheek. "We should take full advantage of that."

-- --

Lucas couldn't shut off that night and just give into sleep so he left Lindsey sleeping soundly with her back faced towards him. Despite the fact that just two hours before they had made love that wide space between them had formed once again physically. He got up, threw on a sweatshirt and jeans and made his way to his study. With Izzy away for the night he had no distractions to keep him from writing.

He stared at the blank scene in front of him and silently willed inspiration to take him to places yet undiscovered. He'd almost forgotten a time when his fingers would fly over the keyboard in a frenzied quest of their own. Putting pen to paper used to be effortless, but now it seemed more of a chore as he had deadlines to meet and editors to keep happy.

He reclined in the leather chair and let out a sigh listening to the stereo he'd put on low for company. His vacant mind was soon captured by the first few bars of that unforgettable song by Johnny Thunders. _She_ had loved that song and he was sent back to those days they'd holed up in his college dormitory wanting to forget the world and just be together for the short time that they had before she had to return to L.A. He closed his eyes not sure if he wanted to remember or not. For years now he hadn't been able to listen to certain songs as they reminded him of her. A smell or a sound would invoke a memory buried deep within him.

As if coming out of a trance Lucas moved back to the computer then and opened his mail application. He often felt the need to reach out to her and his finger clicked on to new message. Six letters appeared on the screen but then he was at a loss as to what he wanted to say. He did not know where he would even begin. There had been a time when their connection had been so strong that words had not even been needed. It pained him that that was now gone. That connection had been fractured long ago.

He lost the power of impulse.

At the sound of Lindsey calling him from the bedroom he hit the delete button.

**Well there you have it, let me know what you think. Bye for now :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Author's Note**

Hey there guys. Long time no see. I just wanted everyone to know that this fic is not abandoned. Far from it.

I was in a car accident a week ago and have been laid up ever since. As I haven't been able to do much but lie there I've got everything finalised in my head and speed of typing permitted I will have an update posted.

So this story has provoked an interesting and mixed response which is cool, however I am very aware of all the announcements revolving around Season 7, CMM and Hilarie. I wanted to let everyone know that while this story may push boundaries a little it is not designed to offend anyone. It is AU as stated and is ultimately a Leyton story.

Thanks to everyone for the reviews and support and I'll be seeing you all soon.

Kate


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note - Hey guys. Thank you so much for the latest reviews and the get well messages. You are all so sweet. I missed you guys!

Also I just want to say how much I value your opinions and interest in this story. I have never been one to shy away from constructive criticism; I look at it as a way and means to improve myself. That's why I started to write on this site for in the first place. I like to try new things, challenge myself and I don't mind if people question that. However after I published Chapter 2 last month I received a pretty nasty PM. I've had one or two for my previous story but I just rolled with it. But this time given with everything happening in S6 and what was written to me it was a little harder to swallow.

I want to say thank you to everyone who takes the time to reads this story and I would love you all to stick with me. This is definitely a Leyton you can trust me on that. I might like to be a little controversial, experimental or whatever, but I love L/P and I write with them close to my heart.

This chapter is dedicated to Mel whose many a brainstorming session helped me find the perfect layout I wanted for this chapter.

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 3 – A Place To Hide**

"_The art of losing isn't hard to master;_

_so many things seem filled with the intent_

_to be lost that their loss is no disaster."_

_Poem -"One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop_

Loss was something that Peyton Sawyer had become aware of far too early in her life. At a tender young age she had lost her mother. From then on she had shut down her heart and shut out the world. She had grown up believing she had to shield herself from being left behind. One man had come along and changed all of that. He was the one person who saw her for the person she hid from the rest of the world. He was the one constant fixture in her life. Lucas Scott had taught her to love and had opened her heart again.

Her eyes snapped open as she woke from a fitful sleep. She'd been having the same dream that she always had. The one where she wasn't too afraid to take a chance and had been honest with herself and with all those she held closest. For a moment she lay startled and confused as her mind scrabbled around trying to remember where she was. The sound of deep, regulated snores sent her gaze to the sleeping figure beside her. His mouth was slightly parted, his face expressionless as he was lost in the throes of a deep slumber. Her form stiffened as she pulled herself into a seated position.

Then after quietly slipping from the bedroom Peyton found herself outside walking onto the beach. She pulled the chunky knit cardigan tighter around her slender frame as the sea breeze whipped through her dark blonde curls and sent chills up her spine. She walked barefoot in the sands as a fresh sense of calm swept over her. She had always loved the beach and the unique effect it had over her.

She stared out at the distant horizon. The early morning skies were painted with the most vivid shades of pink and orange as the Californian sun rose from the ocean's watery depths. It was moments like these that she would later capture on canvass.

As her glance travelled slowly across the crashing shores she caught sight of something that caused her heart to leap up into her throat.

It was him. That was the first and only thought that sparked through her core. She knew it was impossible. That her head and her heart were playing tricks on her. The distant figure jogging along the waters' edge just jolted her.

From afar he possessed the same stance that she knew so well. Maybe it was the way he moved. Maybe it was the way the first morning's light hit his spiked blonde hair and danced its way across his boyish yet manly features. Whatever it was caused the memories to rise high and the deepest emotions to swell within her.

_x-x-x_

_Eighteen year old Peyton Sawyer stood staring out at the crashing waves. She was all packed and ready to leave for her internship in LA and now as everything was finalised she felt apprehensive. Peyton had wanted to leave Tree Hill, for as much as Tree Hill meant Lucas, her friends, her home and all she had ever really known it was also a place of loss, heartache, tragedy and fear. Her home town represented a past that she would rather move on from. However in the rush to get everything finalised she hadn't allowed herself to be afraid of the unknown._

_As arms encircled her from behind at her moment of true weakness Peyton felt a smile trace its way across her lips. His face moved so close to her own as his lips nuzzled against her collarbone. Her body relaxed against the hardness of his chest. She let her eyelids close as she savoured the moment._

"_How did you find me?"_

"_I'd always find you."_

_Peyton turned to face her boyfriend with a teasing grin. "You're such a dork." She wrapped her arms around his neck and drew up on her toes to kiss him. _

"_Brooke told me you'd be here," he admitted sheepishly._

"_My mom used to bring me here when I was little. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye." She had neglected to tell him how she had become overly sentimental yesterday and had driven to all the special spots and landmarks for a final farewell._

"_Anyway I got you something. I wanted to give this to you before we met up with everyone for the goodbyes." Lucas fumbled in the pocket of his jacket. He brandished a gold heart shaped locket and placed it in the palm of her hand._

_Her fingers traced the engraving before she read the words aloud. "'Lucas and Peyton, True Love Always.' Luke it's beautiful."_

"_This way I'll always be with you. Here let me put it on for you."_

_Peyton gathered up her wind tousled hair as Lucas fastened the necklace around her neck. _

"_I love you," he whispered gently before bringing her in for another kiss._

_She had wanted so badly for him to beg her to stay. To confess that even though this summer internship was the best thing for her that he simply could not be without her. His declaration would always win out over everything else._

"_I love you too Lucas Scott." Her hand reached up and stroked along his perfectly chiselled jaw-line. "I don't want to go," she uttered as an afterthought. The words caused her tears to well and her panic to rise._

_Lucas took her by the shoulders then and made her meet his gaze. "Hey," he brushed the stray tears away with his thumb before taking her hands in his. "It's just for a couple of months. You'll be so busy and it'll fly by. I'll still be here when you get back. Nothing is going to change."_

_They had talked for several consecutive nights as her departure had grown closer. They had rationalised that with the wonders of modern technology, web cams, instant messages and such like, that a long distance relationship could work. Their love would survive. They could handle anything as they had proven that they were destined for each other._

"_Tell me you want me to stay," her voice was pleading._

_Lucas tried to smile, tried to be strong. "Of course I want you to stay. But I know you have to do this. You know you have to do this. You've got so much greatness in you and you don't even know it."_

"_I can be great right here," she countered. "With you."_

_He placed his hand over her heart, just like he had done that night he had first confessed his true feelings for her two years ago. "We're going to have everything together Peyt. But I can't hold you back. I won't."_

"_Nothing's going to change right?" she asked as she conceded. She knew he was right but it didn't make it any less hard._

_Lucas cupped her face in his hands. "I'm going to love you forever."_

_x-x-x_

Arms that did not belong to Lucas found themselves around her waist and she was abruptly brought back to present day reality.

She turned to the dark haired man that held her in his arms before he pressed a light kiss to her cheek. "I got worried when I woke up and you weren't there. I thought maybe I scared you off and you'd snuck home."

Peyton twisted to face him and tried her best to give him a sweet reassuring smile. When she had first met him he had struck her as exactly what she had needed. He was a polar opposite to Lucas. He possessed dark eyes; an over sized egotistical nature and had been known as a womaniser. She had wanted no strings attached and he was happy with things not getting serious between them. He had helped her to forget when they were together. She had all the comfort with none of the pain.

"I know it's a little fast and unexpected," he went on to say now. He was trying to bridge the silent gap that she could not fill. "I didn't plan any of it Peyton. But I feel it."

She felt her body recoil, it was all too much. Saying "I love you" to anyone now seemed too inconceivable. Those three words were meant for Lucas and Lucas alone.

"You're kind of making me nervous here," he tried to smile, his own fear of rejection shining through. "Can you at least tell me how you feel?"

"I um," she struggled to find her own voice amongst the alarm bells that were sounding in her head. "I have to go. I have a presentation this morning and I need to prepare." She shrugged herself out of his outstretched arms. She retreated before he could utter a response. For if loss was something Peyton Sawyer knew all too well, running away was a constant and close companion.

She left him standing in the sand, not bothering to so much as glance back. She climbed into the Mercury Comet parked outside his beach house and braced her shaking hands on the steering wheel. She blinked back her stinging tears and let her hand touch at the locket she wore. She opened it up and stared at the pictures it held. Those of the love of her life and the life they had created together.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note – Hey there guys. I just want to say a big thank you to everyone for reading. I'm glad to see that people are enjoying the story. This story and writing style is a little different for me. It means so much that there are so many of you out there that really do like it. And I know a lot of you have questions. All will be revealed. I know I'm not always the fastest updater as I'm a bit of a critic and perfectionist when it comes to my writing but I will do my very best to get my chapters out as quick as possible.

Here it is....

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 4 – Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows**

The human condition is a strange and wondrous thing. As human beings we are flawed, we make mistakes. We feel our way through life, our actions and decisions based on what we believe to be for the best. Our choices are set from experience, advice from others and instinct. Sometimes the wrong decision is made with the very best of intentions.

But what if that choice sets a course for your life that you never truly wanted? What if you realise that decision will now haunt your every waking moment? And what if you know then that it is truly wrong for yourself and all those around you and you cannot take it back?

Lindsey stepped into the shower after she and Lucas had put all the finishing touches to their daughter's party. Today their little Isabelle was one year old and they were to celebrate the occasion with a small gathering of family and friends. She smiled as she recalled how her husband had helped himself sneakily to the frosting as they had decorated the cake. It was in these special moments when Lindsey felt so connected to her husband and remembered why she had fallen for him to begin with. As she lathered the soap in her hands she allowed her mind to drift to the day when they had married.

x-x-x

_Lindsey's wedding day had been so perfect. As she stood in front of the mirror admiring herself in her long white dress and her hair scraped back in a bun decorated with flowers she had never felt so beautiful. She was most certainly the blushing bride who was about to begin her life with the man of her dreams. She was one of those lucky few who were getting everything she had ever wanted. She was living the fairy tale._

_She had stepped out of the room where she had been giggling and spending time with the groom's mother and best friend, her maid of honour, and gone for some fresh air and to appreciate the spring day. She had found Lily and Jamie sitting on the stone steps and had beamed and twirled as they admired her. Her day was a dream come true._

_That was when she saw her. She was pale, broken and barely holding it together. Peyton Sawyer was dressed in a strapless emerald green dress and leaning against the bonnet of her vintage car. The Comet. _

_The two women had never really liked each other. They had agreed to patch up their differences for the sake of Lucas. Lindsey felt pity towards Peyton now. If the roles were reversed she didn't know what she would be thinking or feeling._

_Peyton had met Lindsey's gaze and offered a slight wave before she moved away from the car and then disappeared into the church._

_Lindsey smoothed out the skirt of her dress as she pushed feelings of self doubt and inadequacy from her head and headed back inside to get married. And as she stood in front of friends and family and vowed to love and cherish Lucas Scott for the rest of her life she had silently prayed that she would truly be enough. Then she uttered the two words, "I do."_

x-x-x

Lindsey had done everything she could think of to make things perfect between her and Lucas. She had made every effort to make their life together as complete and wonderful as possible. She had created a welcoming and seemingly loving home and a happy and fulfilled life. She, Lucas and Izzy were surrounded by friends and family as she worked so hard to be that perfect image of that perfect wife.

She did all of this for the simple reason that all she had ever really and truly wanted is for Lucas to return her love. She knew in her heart and in her soul that she would never be enough for Lucas. That no matter how much she dedicated herself to making things look so perfect on the outside that they would always be fractured and broken. Lucas deserved better. He deserved the woman he had given the other half of his soul to. The woman he had written two books about. The woman he still held on to. Her Lucas still yearned for Peyton Sawyer, his mind would often wonder back to her and Lindsey knew it. But she wanted him so much and she wouldn't let him go.

Lindsey bowed her head under the shower's searing hot spray, not caring as it blistered her skin. She just wanted to feel. Her bitter salty tears mingled with the water and her shoulders trembled with emotion.

She had been selfish as she stood on the alter and promised Lucas forever. She had known that he was conflicted. Or worse than that because he was simply denying the truth. He had only just written the first draft of "The Comet" which Lindsey in her own words had described as an epic love story. Lindsey should have discussed the motive that had driven him to write these words. She should have confronted him as to their true meaning. But she hadn't. She had made her decision knowing that the girl sitting two rows back was dying inside. And as Lucas slipped the wedding band onto her finger she knew she and Peyton had another thing in common.

Once Lindsey had cried her tears away she pulled herself from the shower wrapping her singed body in a towel. She crossed to the mirror and wiped away the beads of steam and stared back at her reflection. The red eyed and blotchy faced woman was someone she barely recognised. She took a deep shuddering breath as she opened the medicine cabinet and reached for her prescription bottle inside. She emptied out a pill into the palm of her hand and then for good measure another two.

She swallowed them quickly along with a sip of water. Every day she promised things would be different. And yet every day she felt the same.

-- --

"So where's the birthday girl," Haley called as she and Jamie entered Lucas and Lindsey's home. Jamie raced past her and into the kitchen where they found Lucas as he held Izzy in his arms. Haley brought up the rear as she set down a tray of her homemade chocolate brownies to the already elaborate party spread on the table. "Wow Luke," she said. "Everything looks great. But I thought we were only expecting a small gathering." It was supposed to be an intimate family affair of them plus Karen, Andy, Lily and Skills and Mouth.

Lucas beamed as he kissed his daughter's hair. "Yeah I think I may have gone a little over board. I just wanted everything to be perfect."

Haley smiled as she let her niece's outstretched hand curl around her finger. "Happy birthday beautiful girl," she cooed before adding to her best friend. "She looks so cute. I love her dress."

"Brooke sent it," the little pink sailor outfit could only have been made by Brooke Davis.

"Dada," Isabelle gurgled as all attention fell upon her.

Lucas chuckled heartedly at her very first word as he looked into her big curious eyes. He had been dying to hear what she would sound like, what she might say. He found himself lost in his precious girl as he tried to guess what might be going on inside her head. "Yeah dada," he willed her to say it again. And sure enough she did and they all laughed and fussed over her.

"What was my first word mama?" the little seven year old Jamie asked then as he looked up at the adults.

"Your first word was ball," Haley told him and Jamie grinned broadly. He certainly shared his father's enthusiasm and love of basketball. "So where's Lindsey?"

"Upstairs taking a shower," Lucas answered.

"Cool well then I'm going to go up and see her." She turned her attentions to Jamie. "You be good for your uncle Lucas. And no stuffing yourself with brownies. That goes for both of you."

"Just one?" Jamie begged.

"Ok buddy but just one." Haley turned on her heel before heading upstairs.

Lucas set Izzy into her high chair and then bent down to his nephew's height. "Well I've got a couple of new games for the Wii. Why don't you go pick one and we can have a couple of games while we wait for everyone else."

"Awesome," Jamie said sprinting to the lounge.

Moments later Nathan huffed as he brought in the baby walker. Izzy had just started to walk and they thought that would be a good gift. "See bro," he joked. "You get married and you get stuck with all the heavy lifting." He set the large box down with the rest of the presents. "This came for you too."

Lucas took the pink coloured envelope from his brother. He recognised the pretty scrawled handwriting immediately as he traced his hand over the lettering. "Thanks man," he uttered. At the sound of Lindsey and Haley coming back downstairs Lucas hid the card.

-- --

Lucas made his way upstairs in the early evening whilst everyone downstairs talked and laughed. He laid Izzy down in her crib and pulled her blankets over her and up to her chin. "There you go baby girl. All snug as a bug. Did you have a good day?" he said as he rubbed his thumb over the little creases of her palm.

Her little green eyes tinted with hazel focused on him then. "Dada" she gurgled.

At the sound of her little voice Lucas couldn't help himself as he swelled with pride. "Yeah," he whispered softly. The past year had gone so fast. It seemed like only yesterday that she had first been placed into his arms. His tiny new born daughter had been but a tiny living bundle with her wrinkled eyelids resting gently together and her little mouth opened just a fraction. Lucas had held his breath in complete euphoria.

Isabelle was exhausted after her big day as her golden eye lashes fluttered shut and she gave into sleep now. He looked down at his peaceful little girl as a smile made its way across his lips. Her fine blonde curls spread over her pillow forming little "C" shapes. He stroked his hand gently through her hair and couldn't help but remember that Peyton's would do the same.

His cell buzzed and Lucas froze as he saw the caller's ID appear on the screen. He was momentarily taken aback and unsure of whether to take the call. As he answered he was greeted only by silence. Words caught themselves up in a jumble in his throat and tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. She didn't speak either. He couldn't find the strength within himself to hang up. He held the phone to his ear just listening to the shallow strangled breaths on the other end of the line. He wanted nothing more than to reach for her.

Lucas couldn't help but think of all those times that he had watched her secretly on her webcam. In those days before he found the courage to talk to her. He'd just sit there in his room when he should have been doing his homework and instead he'd find himself staring with fascination into those deep green eyes. He would become so lost in what she might be thinking and feeling as she stared back at him.

Right then he couldn't help but feel the exact same way. The memory of the last time he had seen her still burned in the forefront of his mind. It had torn him from the inside out. He had made his choice and was haunted by the knowledge that it might not have been the right one.

"Luke," her voice tore through the silence that had spread itself between them for the past year. "Tell me about her."

**Well there you have it. Let me know what you think. I'm going on holiday at the end of the week so I will hopefully be posting again before the weekend so as not to leave you in too much suspense. Ha.**


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note – Hey there guys. I just wanted to say a big thank you for all the support and interest in this story. Your reviews and thoughts on the latest chapter were amazing. You never fail to make me smile. It makes me so happy to see how much this story is being enjoyed.

Hopefully this chapter will serve to answer one or two questions that some of you have!

So as promised here is the quicker update (quicker for me that is). Ha!

**You Can't Put Yours Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 5 – It's All Over but the Crying**

Peyton lay curled up on the plush white couch in front of the roaring fire in her lounge. It wasn't cold; the one thing she had found hard to adjust to in L.A was that its winters were never the same as those she was used to in North Carolina. She had the fire burning as the day darkened simply to add to the ambiance of her already sombre mood. Despite this and the blanket she had draped across her waist she still felt the chill spreading up her spine.

A half empty bottle of Merlot sat on the coffee table in front of her. The first glass had helped to ease that empty feeling at the pit of her stomach and the second had spread through her to calm her frayed nerves.

"Honey," Brooke had said just two hours before as she crouched down beside Peyton and stroked a hand over her hair. "Just call him. Talk to him about her, maybe it'll help." She had placed the receiver next to her.

Brooke Davis had been Peyton's rock for the past year since they had moved from Tree Hill. Her upbeat vivacious friend her helped her during some tough times before and had once again come through for her. Brooke had been the one to hold her as she cried herself to sleep at night. She'd been the one to supply copious amounts of ice cream and chocolate whenever she craved it. And Brooke had been the one to give Peyton the motivation to go back out into the world with all the fight they both knew the she still possessed.

Peyton found the courage as her mind numbed slightly from the effects of the alcohol and picked up the phone. She dialled his number with a shaking hand. As the dial tone sounded she didn't think he was going to pick up. When he did answer she found she struggled to breathe. She couldn't speak; she hadn't been able to find the right words. She was afraid that he would yell at her, that he wouldn't want to talk to her. When he had held on to the hushed quiet between them Peyton had found herself oddly comforted.

"Luke," her voice cracked with emotion. "Tell me about her." She pulled herself up into a seating position when Lucas remained silent. "Please Luke."

Lucas let out a deep breath before he began, "Isabelle's beautiful Peyt. She's got these deep green eyes and when she looks at me it's like she's trying to figure everything out. She's got the cutest button nose and her hair's a mass of blonde curls."

Peyton let her eyes rest shut as he spoke. She let his words flow through her as they formed a present day image of Isabelle in her mind. The only physical memory she had of Isabelle was when the tiny, wrinkled and wailing newborn baby had been placed into her arms after she had given birth. She didn't care as the stray hot tears coursed down her cheeks.

"She's going to be tall. She's got your chicken legs." Peyton could tell his face was breaking into a smile despite the situation as he talked and she let out a small laugh as she brushed at her tear stained face. He truly adored their daughter. He spoke like only a proud and besotted father would. He spoke like the proud father she always knew he would be.

Peyton sank back in the softness of the couch cradling the phone to her ear. "Tell me more about her Luke," she had to know everything. Gathering facts and information about Isabelle was more comforting than any amount of success from her work or nights spent in the arms of a man that didn't know her.

"She has a purple monkey that she refuses to sleep without. Sometimes I swear she cries just so I'll hold her. She's stubborn and wily already. She's just started walking. Nathan and Haley bought her a baby walker for her birthday and she's racing around like a pro. She called me daddy today." Peyton involuntarily gave something that could only be described as a half cry half laugh.

"So she's happy? And healthy?" Peyton asked then. As much as it destroyed her to be apart from Isabelle the only thing that kept her together was knowing that she was safe and well.

"Yeah," Lucas uttered reassuringly. "She's doing really well. I'd never let anything happen to her Peyton."

"I know." She would never have questioned that Lucas wouldn't invest everything in him to take care of Isabelle.

"I never wanted things to turn out this way," he told her not bothering to hide his guilt and regret.

"I know." She fell silent then as she hugged her knees in an effort to find comfort.

"How are you Peyt?" his voice was laced with genuine concern for her wellbeing.

"I'm ok," she responded as convincingly as possible. She knew she had failed miserably as Lucas sighed at the other end of the phone. They had meant everything to each other once. She still pined for him and the life full of promise that they had shared. It wasn't a far reach to wonder if maybe he did the same too sometimes.

"Nathan said you had started a business up on your own?" Lucas probed then. The two hadn't spoken to each other in the past twelve months but had both kept tabs on one another through his brother and her best friend.

"Yeah, Brooke invested in me and I'm finally doing it on my own." Peyton had all but given up when the two girls had moved. Work had been the last thing on her mind as she struggled just to get through the never ending days. Brooke had finally taken matters into her stern, unyielding hands and had dragged her friend from the permanent residency of her bed. She had sat Peyton down and rationalised that Peyton needed to focus her energies into doing something she loved.

"The company's called 'Red Room Records'," she informed him and he laughed into a smile she could only picture in her head. "It's hard work but it going well."

"That's great. I'm happy for you. I always knew you could do it."

"Yeah," Peyton sighed softly. Lucas had always put so much faith in her and her talent. Even when she didn't believe in herself he had seen the greatness within her. It stung to realise she had achieved a long term dream without him.

She had thrown herself into her new company working all the hours she could to fill the dull aching void in her heart. It had served to make her record label grow to become recognised, successful and turning a healthy profit.

"I'm seeing someone," she added then. Her pride wanted so desperately to have him believe that she was moving on and that she was doing well. She couldn't stop the lie as it rolled from her tongue, "It's new but I really like him."

"That's great," he said back but she couldn't help but catch the hints of disappointment in his voice. It made her feel slightly better that he was a little upset by the fact that she might be ready to take a chance on someone that wasn't him. But it also gave her a bitter sense of resentment. He had no right to be jealous of her relationship. She had watched him promise himself to someone else, he had created a whole life that didn't include her. Peyton was certainly not Lucas's to want any longer.

She tried to brush away the irritation and her own jealousies and took a deep cleansing breath. "What about you Luke? How's your life?"

"It's good. It's busy what with juggling coaching the Ravens and child care. Izzy cries a lot during the nights at the moment and the early morning practices are tough. But I manage."

Lucas went on to tell her about his new team, then about his past book tour for 'The Comet'. He spoke about his day to day life, about his family and how everyone was getting on but he left out the details of one vital part.

"And how's Lindsey?"

"Lindsey's good," he uttered his response rather quickly and then said nothing further.

Peyton chewed on her lower lip. His reluctance to talk about his wife could be perceived as a gesture to spare her feelings. But she knew him better than that. She knew how he worked, they were the same way. They closed themselves off when they couldn't do anything else. She knew by the tones in his voice and the way he immediately shut himself off to her that things weren't good.

She wanted him to be happy and content. It saddened her to think that he might be suffering.

He was telling her without really telling her that he didn't have the happily ever after life he had strived to achieve. But then that was Lucas Scott tended to do. He could never voice what his heart truly wanted. Brooke's theory was that the key to his heart was found in what he wrote.

"I'm glad you're ok Peyt," he told her earnestly. "The way you left.....I just worry about you."

Lucas caught her off guard then and she felt her resolve crumble and disintegrate. "I'm not ok Luke. It...It hurts so much," she stammered. She cursed herself as she became vulnerable to him. She had kept up the pretence so well only to have it dissipate now. "It just hurts Lucas. Every day it just hurts. I think about her every day. I don't regret her not for one second. But I....." her shoulders shook as she broke down as her emotions and his words overtook her.

"I'm sorry," he said to bridge the awkward silence then.

I'm sorry. Those two words had been used far too many times between them. They had lost all meaning. She was tired of hearing those words and she was tired of saying them. But then what else could be said?

"I'm sorry too," she murmured.

"What happened to us Peyt?"

"I don't know anymore Luke. I should go."

"Yeah," he replied weakly. "I guess I should go too."

She was about to hang up when Lucas stopped her. "It was good talking to you Peyt. I miss you."

"I miss you too," she sniffed. "Take care of her." She ended the call and curled herself into a foetal position.

Peyton stared at the fire as the last embers of the living flame began to sizzle and die out.

-- --

Lucas hung up the phone reluctantly as he wiped away his tears and struggled to regain his composure. He stared about the still nursery. He could only hear Izzy's soft sweet breaths and she served to steel his nerves and soothe the torn sensation that had spread through him. Sometimes it was as though his little daughter was the only salvageable symbol of a life and a love that he desperately clung to. Lucas loved Lindsey he really did but Peyton was the other half of him. Peyton had been his dream, his muse and the girl he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

He crossed soundlessly to the closet and bent down to rummage past all of the boxes of Izzy's outgrown baby clothes to the very depths of the darkness. He knew instinctively where it was without looking. He stood up with the miniature box he had hidden from his wife in his hands.

A gentle motherly touch rested on his broad shoulders and he turned to meet her dark eyes before both sets of orbs fell onto Keith's ring box. Karen enveloped him into her embrace as Lucas held onto a life that should have been his.

**I'm away for the next few days. Yay. So I hope that you liked the update and I'll be seeing you. **


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note – Hey guys, I am so very sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I've had a crazy couple of weeks. What with going away and then catching up on life, losing some of my notes for this and a poorly boyfriend it's been kind of hard to get this out sooner.

Thank you to everyone again for the amazing responses to this story. You guys are absolutely awesome. So with no further delay here is the next chapter.

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 6 – Look on Down From the Bridge**

"You're writing again," Lindsey's voice was joyous as she found him bent over the keyboard in his office. She had told him she would happily settle for the life of a small town's basketball coach's wife. That it would be enough for her as long as they were together. But since Isabelle had been born and he had no longer felt the passion for the written word within him her resentment had shown through her bravado.

"Yeah, I guess so," Lucas stared bemused at the shining screen taking in the words that his fingers had moved so frantically to form. Inspiration had set in from a place so long forgotten as the pent up regret and sorrow spilled from him and found its way into some coherent structure in front of him.

Lindsey pecked a kiss to his cheek, telling him that she'd leave him to it and went to tidy Izzy's room as Izzy sat playing contently at her father's side.

-- --

Have you ever been so happy in a single moment or a time of your life that you wish you could freeze time and preserve in its purity forever? To hold on to that feeling and that sensation that made you feel truly alive and content? Have you ever loved so fiercely that you believed that nothing or no one could ever come between you?

_x-x-x_

_Lucas sat idly in his window seat as the plane touched down in Los Angeles. It was the last week before he began his sophomore year at NYC and he'd worked all summer long to pay to go and see her. Excitement overcame him as he walked through customs and he searched through the throngs of people. He hadn't seen her for almost three months since she had got the time off to visit her home town. He had missed her more than he ever thought possible and all he wanted to do was look into her big green eyes and take her in his arms._

"_Luke!" She had seen him before he had spotted her. Her arms wound around his neck as he lifted her from the floor and squeezed her into a much needed embrace. He kissed her softly breathing in the familiar scent he had only but imagine until now._

_Peyton smiled into the passionate welcome. "I missed you." She was even more beautiful than he remembered. Her curls were longer, flowing to her mid back and held back in place by the sunglasses that perched on top of her head. She was radiant as the Californian sun served to highlight her already flawless complexion._

_They soon exited the airport and she drove them back to her place. The small studio apartment had been run down and needed a makeover but she had now made it her own with the red walls, the record covers and the antique furniture she had hunted for about the city. The tiny living space was now cosy and reminded him of her teenaged room._

"_I really missed you Luke," she purred then as she dropped her keys with a jangle on the table and slipped off her jacket. Lucas could only groan at the sight of her flimsy knee length dress that served only to accentuate her curves. He felt the tingles up his spine as she kissed at his throat and her nimble fingers began to unbutton his shirt. She was telling him in her own sweet way exactly what her intentions were for that night. Lucas responded eagerly sweeping her off her feet and carrying her to the bed. She giggled infectiously as he deposited her down onto the cool satin sheets before dragging him down with her._

_Lucas woke up to the intrusively blinding rays of sunlight streaming through her blinds the following morning. He moaned shielding his eyes with an arm. They had spent the entire night making love and catching up on all that had been missed from each other's lives. The two of them were presently resting on a makeshift bed of pillows and blankets on her wooden floor. She was lying on her front, her tousled locks spilling out behind her as she continued to sleep soundly. Her gentle breaths tickled his bare shoulder as she shifted closer to the warmth and comfort of his body. Lucas felt a wide smile trace its way across his lips as he remained still, watching her. Despite the lack of sleep and the slight crick in his neck he couldn't have felt more content._

_He had felt almost at a loss back home as he watched Nathan, Haley and Jamie. They struggled with their studies, marriage, money and raising a child but they were always striving for united goal. That was what Lucas was becoming increasingly aware of, that he wanted and needed to be with Peyton. That he was incomplete when they were apart._

_x-x-x_

Have you ever felt yourself losing everything you hold so close and so dear? That as you desperately try to hold on to the shards of what was, you find it slowly slipping away piece by piece? And that even as you see what is happening before your very eyes and you can place your hands on the words needed, you feel as though you can do nothing to stop it?

_x-x-x_

_The following week was spent cramming in as much as they could into their sacred time together. She took him on tours of all her favoured and treasured finds in L.A. She showed him the little back streets she had found tucked away in the city. The vintage clothing stores, her favourite record store and the used book store she had just known he would love. They'd spend hours at a time in the quaint little coffee shop that was reminiscent to the one his mother owned with its homely welcoming feel and the paintings by local artists hanging from the terracotta walls. They'd sit on the all too comfortable leather couch in the corner, sipping mochas out of chunky mugs as she snuggled perfectly into his arms._

_They walked arm in arm along the moon lit shores after he'd wined and dined her at an expensive restaurant that he couldn't really afford. It was the last full day before he was due to go back and he wanted every to be perfect._

"_Peyt," he brought them to a holt and took her hands in his. The unanswered question burned at the back of his throat._

_At that precise moment the skies opened up and the fading summer's rain pelted the sands around them. The storm had caught them completely unawares and they ran the short distance to the refuge of her apartment. They laughed despite the fact they were soaked head to foot and shivering uncontrollably. She quickly supplied towels for them both._

"_It's crazy out there," Peyton said through her chattering teeth as she huddled in her towel._

"_Yeah," he rubbed at her goose pimpled arms trying to keep her warm. "Why don't you take a shower and warm up. I'll make us some hot chocolate."_

_Peyton grinned before kissing him. He always knew just how to comfort her. She pattered away discarding her now sodden dress before disappearing for a steaming shower. Lucas quickly changed into jeans and a sweatshirt. He busied himself foaming the milk for her following the recipe she'd told him her mother would make for her when she was little._

"_Do you have any marshmallows?" he called to her from the bathroom door._

"_Top left hand cupboard," she answered back._

_Lucas poured the rich steaming mixture into two of her mugs as he went about applying the finishing touches. He stopped as he saw the letter she had pinned to the board next to the fridge. He sucked in a breath taking it down as his eyes scanned over the print._

"_Is it ready?" she asked as she padded over to him. She was dressed only in his favourite sweatshirt that she had 'borrowed' and liked to sleep in because it made her feel close to him when she missed him at night. She towel dried her tangled curls and smiled. Her smile dropped as soon as she saw what he was holding._

"_Were you going to tell me?" He tried his best not to sound accusing._

"_I...." she stammered. "I didn't think I'd even get an interview. I was surprised to even be considered."_

"_The interview's tomorrow," he informed her placing the letter down on the counter top._

"_I know." Peyton bit her lip before continuing knowing he had every right to be upset that she hadn't told him. "It's an amazing opportunity Lucas." She had been working in the mail room, enduring the pompous jibes and the sad knowledge that she was seen only as the girl who went on the endless coffee and bagel runs, and to get to a point like this was too good to pass up. "A Junior A&R Executive. It's the first step up the career ladder. It's my chance."_

"_I get that Peyton. I do. And I'm so proud of you. I really am. But this means more time apart and you really should have mentioned it to me."_

"_I know," she faltered. "I just didn't want to get my hopes up. And I didn't want to upset you." _

"_You really should have talked to me about this." He'd made it perfectly clear after she'd stayed on at Sire Records after her internship had expired that he missed her and that he wanted her home again. They agreed that she'd stay and that she'd build up her connects in L.A in the hopes of making a career. He wanted that for her, he really did. He knew how much the girl he loved was capable of. However despite the best of intentions their relationship had become strained. It was truly wonderful when they were together but when they were apart their communications fractured due to the demands of their busy lives._

"_Peyt," Lucas took her hands in his in an attempt to reason with her. "I love you. I love you so much. But we go days without even a conversation. We make decisions every single day that affect our lives and then we hear about them later as old news. I see Nathan and how he is with Haley and Jamie and that's all I want."_

"_And I want all of that too," she exclaimed struggling to hold back her tears. "I do. And we're going to have it all. I'm just asking you to wait for me."_

"_Ok," he uttered then. "Say I wait. You get this job tomorrow and you stay. How long are we talking about? We barely see each other as it is; I can never even get you on the phone."_

"_I'm just asking for time," her voice was a mixture of stubbornness and despair. "I love you Lucas. I'm always going to love you. A year? Two years? Time isn't going to change that."_

"_But it is Peyton. And we can't keep pretending it isn't."_

_Lucas crossed over the apartment and sank down on the bed placing his head in his hands. He looked up as he heard her steps. "I'm not going to tell you not to take it Peyt."_

"_But you are," her voice was tainted with annoyance. "You're asking me to chose whether you say the words or not." _

_Lucas knew enough to know that ultimatums never went down too well with his strong willed girl._

"_Luke." Peyton sat beside him and placed a hand to his cheek. "I believe in us ok. I believe in you and your book. I believe in me and my music. I believe we will both achieve our dreams and have everything we ever wanted. And how I feel about you is never going to change."_

"_Luke please. I don't want this to end us"._

_They lay in the silent darkness for a long time. Lucas wanted to be mad at her. Part of him was mad at her. He was mad at the stubborn trait that sometimes he found alluring but right now he wished she didn't possess. Part of him ached as they had ended such a perfect day and a perfect week on such a sour note._

_Her tears fell as the bed shook just a fraction. It was enough to weaken him and his heart stung. Lucas couldn't bear to see her cry and felt terrible as he knew he was the cause of her suffering. He moved closer to her folding her into his embrace as she silently begged him to reconsider._

_Neither of them spoke and both clung desperately to the life they felt was slowly slipping away._

_x-x-x_

Lucas finally set Izzy down in her crib as she decided she would go to sleep and he turned to face a disgruntled Lindsey standing in the doorway. She simply moved to him in hushed annoyance and his eyes fell immediately to the pink envelope he had hidden from her.

"I found this while I was tidying up in here this afternoon," she tried to keep her tone calm and level. Lindsey's accusingly icy stare was on him and he could only shake his head in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me about the card?" She folded her arms awaiting his answer.

"It's a card Lindsey." He tried his best to reason with her though he knew by the look she wore that her paranoia had already won out. "And would you really have wanted to know?"

"I am not doing this again," Lindsey hissed.

"Doing what exactly?" he replied incredulously as he ushered her out of his daughter's nursery and closed the door behind him _"Are you having an affair?"_ The words thundered through his memory involuntarily.

Lindsey hadn't answered him. She chose to remain quiet as she sucked in her cheeks.

"What do you want from me?" he seethed. She started back just a fraction at his outburst. "It's a card. I don't understand why you are being so unreasonable."

"My husband's in love with another woman and I'm the one being unreasonable?"

Lucas opened his mouth to counter her but closed it again as he watched as his angry and frustrated wife gathered the blankets and pillows from the airing cupboard. He had seen her this way too many times now and knew there was no getting through to her until her tantrum had subsided. She tossed the bedding at his feet not bothering to look at him and not uttering another word. She slammed their bedroom door shut and he moved slowly back into the nursery before sinking down into the chair.

Since Lucas had spoken to her, Peyton had occupied his mind more than normal. He worried about Peyton more than he should and more than he would ever admit. She had left so broken and betrayed. And try as he might to convince himself that she was strong and that she had Brooke he worried who watched over her now. Who would be the guy she could always count on? Who would always be there to rescue her in her time of need?

Sometimes late at night he would catch himself wanting to be that guy. On the occasions when Izzy looked at him and he saw _her_ reflection staring back at him or in the moments when he didn't submit to the notion of denial that Lindsey was the one; his heart would yearn for his lost love.

Truth was they had never cheated. He couldn't and she wouldn't. They didn't have to. Their history lay just below the surface. It spanned across the years, across the continent. It was always there. Undying and unbreakable.

_x-x-x_

_Lucas knew even before she had spoken at the other end of the line that she had got the job. There was never any doubt in his mind. Her passion, fire and grace would always set her apart as special and unique. He smiled in spite of the sadness the newly found knowledge caused him._

_He congratulated her and after hanging up he paced in silent melancholy. He loved Peyton. He would always love Peyton._

_He picked up his already packed bag telling himself this was for the best. That for right now this was the best thing for both of them and that if she was right then their love would survive and they would find their ways back to each other again._

_One final look at the life that surrounded her now and Lucas pushed out of the door. He let his hand graze the ring box in his pocket and blinked back the tears._

_x-x-x_

Regret. Regret can drive us, control us or destroy us. It comes in many forms. Perhaps the worst form is when we are left wondering what could have been if we had taken a chance, said or done something differently or stayed and fought for something we knew was all too special to give up.

-- --

**A/N So there you have it, the latest chapter. Let me know what you think.**

**So a couple of you mentioned the time line and I thought I'd do my best to clear things up with what's happened so far.**

**Peyton moved to L.A after graduation. She and Lucas break up at nineteen.**

**Lucas meets Lindsey a year later, proposes to her at 21, marries her at 22 and has Izzy at 23.**

**Any questions leave it in a review or whatever and I'll answer them. **


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note – Hey Guys. I'm so very sorry for the lateness in posting this chapter. I was kind of busy with posting the end of my first story and then with everything going on with the official OTH verse I guess my inspiration has been a little low.

I want to say a big thank you to everyone who reads this story and thank you for all of your fabulous feedback, it's you guys that give me such motivation to do the best I can with this. I know so many of you have questions still; every one of them will be answered really shortly as this story hurtles to its next stage...you'll see what I mean by the end of the chapter. So I hope that you enjoy and I'm sorry for being such a slow updater.

This one is for Mel and she is truly wonderful.

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 7 – Hear Me**

Have you ever had a nightmare that seemed all too real? Have you ever experienced a living nightmare that fails to go away even when you are awake?

_x-x-x_

_The shrill baby cries jolted Peyton sharply into full consciousness. She immediately knew that something was wrong. These were not Isabelle's normal cries. They were the piercing cries of a baby in pain. In a state of alarm, Peyton sat up abruptly and threw off the covers before she dashed to her daughter's room. Peyton swept her baby girl from the clammy bedding. Isabelle's forehead was blazingly hot to touch. Isabelle writhed against her embrace, protesting and kicking her legs in pain. Fear spiralled through Peyton's very core as she unsuccessfully tried to calm her screaming daughter. She moved quickly back to her bedroom and threw on jeans, a sweatshirt and trainers before returning to her daughter's aid. With Isabelle clasped protectively to her chest, Peyton opened the front door and stepped outside. She strode towards the car and carefully strapped Isabelle into the baby seat._

_Once behind the wheel Peyton jammed her foot onto the accelerator. She needed to get help and she needed to get it fast. The journey was a nightmare. Isabelle's screams and glittering emerald eyes scorched through to Peyton's very soul. The ride to the hospital seemed endless even though Peyton drove at top speed ignoring the limits._

_Suddenly Isabelle stopped crying and Peyton hastily stopped the car and climbed out. With a sense of foreboding, she opened the back car door. Isabelle was slumped in her seat; her eye lids were now closed. The tiny baby failed to respond when Peyton picked her up and uttered her name in desperation._

_x-x-x_

Peyton's eyes snapped open as she screamed her way back into awareness and reality. It was the distressed and forlorn scream of a mother who had lost her beloved child.

Her body was coated in a cold sweat and her blanket was a tangled mess around her legs. She sat up shakily as she stared at the familiar surroundings of her lounge.

The images she had carried from her subconscious now seared their way through her mind. And try as she might she couldn't shake the worry and concern that they conjured and stirred within her. Her frail frame shook as her tears, now very real, coursed their way bitterly down her face.

In her nightmarish dream Peyton was so frozen in fear that she could not save her precious little girl. Although shocked now into wakefulness, the memory of Isabelle's tear-filled emerald green eyes haunted her and the fearful dread that Isabelle was in danger prevailed.

-- --

The following afternoon Peyton sat in the tranquil and confidential environment of her therapist's office. She had been coming for almost a year now after she had suffered from a series of panic attacks and Brooke had convinced her to talk out her feelings. She had been very reluctant to open up at first; her instincts were always to keep her thoughts and her feelings in a quiet space in the back of her mind. But she had needed some release from the pain, confusion and guilt that surrounded her and she had come to trust in the relative stranger she now readily confided in. Peyton leant back against the leather couch and kicked off her killer heels in an effort to relieve her sore feet before she tucked her legs underneath herself.

"So how have you been Peyton?" the female therapist probed as Peyton had sat quietly as she didn't know where to begin.

"I don't know," she traced her finger along the couch's arm idly. "The past couple of weeks have been hard I guess. Work's been quiet and well...I called Lucas," she admitted then. They had talked in previous sessions about closure for her and Lucas and also about her reaching out to Isabelle on her first birthday. A card had been suggested as a first step and Peyton had gone on further to call him.

The woman gave a small nod as she asked, "How did that make you feel?"

"Good," Peyton uttered quietly. "I mean it was awkward at first but it was good to hear his voice and to talk about Isabelle. She's doing well and that made me feel better."

In spite of herself Peyton felt her emotions overtake her. She wept her heart wrenching sobs because the memories of the nightmare and her fears for her daughter were still all too clear and raw. The therapist sat silently and supportively, allowing Peyton the space to vent her emotions. Wordlessly she pushed the box of tissues towards Peyton.

"I'm sorry," Peyton murmured unnecessarily as she dabbed at her tear stained cheeks.

"It's ok," the woman sitting across from her replied gently allowing her the time to release her pain. Once Peyton seemed to have calmed down she asked, "What's wrong Peyton? Do you feel up to talking?"

Peyton mentally shook herself. She must be brave. She needed to be strong to help and protect her daughter.

She took a deep cleansing breath before she began, "I dreamt last night that Isabelle had died. She was really sick and crying. I didn't know what was wrong with her. I rushed her to the hospital. But I didn't get there in time," she paused as a lump formed in her throat and more tears threatened to fall. "I can still see her deep beautiful green eyes pleading for me to help. And I...." she stammered. She reached for another tissue and let another wave of emotion hit her before she could continue. "I couldn't help her.

"Deep in my heart I feel that something is wrong. When I called Luke the other day, I could tell that he absolutely adores Isabelle. That he'd do anything for her. But he was strangely noncommittal about Lindsey. And I don't know if it makes any sense but ever since he wouldn't talk about her I've just had this feeling that I can't shake." Peyton bit her lip in puzzled frustration. Her maternal instincts just screamed that something was wrong.

"And ok perhaps they'd had an argument." Peyton tried to rationalise. "All couple's do right? But I gained an impression from Lucas that Lindsey does not love Isabelle the way she should, and that she is maybe neglecting Isabelle. I know that Lindsey doesn't like me. She's never liked me and she has a nasty temper." She allowed her voice to drop as she brought her real fears to the room. "What if she hurts Isabelle when Lucas is not there to protect her?"

"Dreams can be perceived as a way of warning us Peyton," the woman explained quietly. "Sometimes when we dream that someone we love is in danger it can act as a warning of what might come to pass. And if we pay attention to our dream and change the ways in which we act we can prevent the danger from occurring. But often the danger isn't literal. There are theories to support that a reoccurring and troubling dream is more likely to be due to the unconscious mind trying to relay a message to us or helping us to deal with an unresolved issue."

"Like guilt?" Peyton filled in the blank. Guilt and regret were the two emotions she dealt with daily. The older woman replied simply with a gentle smile.

"I'm just really scared," Peyton said then. "And I'm probably over reacting. It's just I know Lucas. I know his tones and his silences. I know him better than I think I even know myself. There was a time when we were so close that I could just tell what he was thinking or feeling. And I know when he is telling me that something is wrong."

The woman surveyed her after she wrote some notes on the pad she had rested on the couch's arm. "What do you want to do Peyton?" she queried then

Peyton was taken aback slightly by the question but she answered without a moment's hesitation. "I have to go and see Isabelle. I have to know if she is ok or not."

The therapist looked intently at the tearful but determined young woman seated close to her. She smiled gently before giving her advice, "let's hope that your fears are groundless. But because a child's safety could be at stake I agree that you need to see Lucas and Isabelle to put your mind at rest. Pretend that it is a normal visit and play it low key. Keep in mind that you should contact Social Services if Isabelle is in danger. I will contact them if you fail to do so."

"Thank you," Peyton smiled softly before she stood up and left the room. Within three hours she was on the plane determined to establish whether her daughter was in danger, and determined to protect Isabelle.

**A/N – Let me know what you think. I hope you enjoyed the chapter and there's a lot more to come....**


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note – Hey guys. Thank you for all your wonderful feedback for this story. It has rapidly become my favourite story to write and it's great that so many of you out there support it the way you do.

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 8 – Perfect Girl**

Love. Love is believed to be the strongest and most heart wrenching of all emotions. We don't chose who we love. We don't choose when to find it or when to let it into our lives and into our hearts. Love finds us.

Love is this perfect untouchable emotion; this want and need that drives us and has the power and potential to control us. I've once been told that it is fine to lose yourself to love as long as you don't fall so deep that you lose all semblance of yourself and who you have always been.

_x-x-x_

_Peyton's heels clacked to a steady rhythmic beat as she navigated her way carefully through the crowded streets of L.A. She took a sip of her latte she had purchased as she mentally prepared herself for the long anticipated meeting that followed directly after her lunch break. Her big chance as she signed off her first official band and her stomach danced with butterflies. Her attentions were elsewhere and she was not focused on the person in front of her._

_She collided with him and as she did she momentarily lost her balance. His outstretched hands steadied her and she opened her mouth automatically to utter some curse of annoyance. She closed it again quickly however as she saw who was holding her._

"_Luke," she let his name escape from her lips; and along with it all the emotional affections he still held within her very being. She could only stare at him in wonderment._

_Lucas smiled back. His beautiful, deep and soulful eyes shone as he took her in. "Hi Peyt."_

_Her heart skipped involuntarily at the sound of her nickname. It was good to hear it again after being lost in the unfamiliarity of this large and somewhat unwelcoming city for so long. She moved to hug him, all the pain and anger she'd harboured towards him for the past two years dispelling._

_They stayed that way for moments but it could have been forever. She clung onto him and to all that she had missed. Her face was buried against his chest and he rested his chin in the crown of her hair. They seemed to stay that way for an eternity, the crowded streets and the rest of the world simply falling away. It was just them. In those treasured coveted moments as love, contentment and the lost sense of fulfilment flooded through her once again._

"_I missed you," she mentally conveyed to him as he untangled her from his lean muscular frame. She noticed the subtle changes within him. He was brawnier than she remembered and now wore a light dusting of stubble. He was still her Luke though as his crystal eyes twinkled and he let his hands continue to hold onto her own._

"_How long's it been?" she asked quietly once they had broken apart. She smiled shyly. She knew, of course she knew, she'd counted the days in her head marking them off one by one as every day that passed brought them closer together. As they both moved ever closer to achieving their dreams. _

"_Two years," he replied with the same reflection of loss she held. "How have you been? You look good."_

_Peyton was dressed in a chic fitted jacket with tight jeans and high boots. Her hair was styled almost straight as she abandoned her wild youth in favour of a more sophisticated image. "I'm good," she answered as she took in his casual look of faded jeans and shirt. "You look good too."_

"_Listen um," Lucas raked a hand through his sandy locks. He was tentative now and it was sad that their once destiny ruled relationship was reduced to small talk and stuttering uncertainties. "I have a book signing tomorrow. That's why I'm here in L.A. It'd be great if you could come."_

_Peyton nodded her head. She'd read about the young author's success in the papers, she had seen posters advertising the upcoming visit. She remembered how her heart had swelled with pride as she had read the articles. He'd finally made it and it meant everything to know that the talent and beauty of the man she loved was now finally being recognised and rewarded. She'd tried to decide whether she should go or not, debating whether he would want her there or not. _

"_I was going to call ahead and invite you," he continued on as nervousness and uncertainty tainted his voice. "But I guess I just....considering how we left things."_

"_No. I'll be there. Of course I'll be there." She glanced at her watch as she was reminded there was somewhere she of course needed to be and wishing it weren't so. "Listen, I'm sorry but I'm late for a meeting. I'll be there Luke."_

_Lucas smiled as he finally let go of her hand. He gave a slight nod of his head. "I'll see you there then."_

_-- --_

_Then following day she made her way to the book store. She wore her hair in loose curls that fell to her shoulders. She'd chosen a dress that was simple and pretty. With his book clutched to her chest she weaved her way through the crowds of appreciative faces. Everyone was here to meet the young author and celebrate his success. She felt so elated with pride. Lucas Scott, the boy who had changed her life, had now achieved his dream. She had every intention now of standing at his side._

_Peyton saw him as she turned at the final row of stacks and approached the long table. She saw him and her heart caught in chest. She moved slowly towards him as he talked with the tall brunette._

_Bile rose unwelcome in her throat as she watched the woman kiss Lucas. The light spring in her step diminished as Peyton turned abruptly. She wanted to get as far away from this scene as quickly as she possibly could. She pushed past the neighbouring bodies that were now obstacles in her bid for escape. She crashed with a dark haired man, the book spilling from her hold and as they both bent to retrieve it all attentions fell onto their fumble._

"_Peyton?"_

_At the sound of his voice now she bolted. Once outside she felt the unwanted tears stinging at her eyes. She pressed her back against the cool brick wall as she focused on just trying to breathe._

"_Peyt?" Lucas's blue orbs were on her then._

_Peyton wiped harshly at her tears as she steeled herself to face him. She couldn't hide the raw hurt and disappointment that surged within her. "You could have told me," she uttered bitterly._

_Lucas moved towards her, "I was going to tell you." He reached to place a hand on her shoulder. "You weren't supposed to find out like this."_

_Peyton narrowed her eyes as he spoke those cliqued words. She really wished she could just be mad at him. Instead she felt his words and actions shattering her soul._

"_Please come back inside," he appealed to her. "Come back inside and then when the signing's over we can go some place and talk." _

"_Luke," her voice rang out as she approached. Lindsey wore a tailored white shirt and plain black slacks. She smiled at Lucas, placing a hand lightly to his arm. "Luke everyone's waiting," she said so softly and so politely._

_Peyton wiped hastily at her tear stained face as the woman's eyes fell onto the person who still held her boyfriend's attention."You must be Peyton," she held out her hand. "It's great to finally meet you."_

_x-x-x_

Peyton woke up; her fingers curled tightly around her locket. She lay on the uncomfortably hard bed in the motel room she had booked herself into late the night before. Her swirling mind came to a full stop as she remembered she was now in Tree Hill and what had brought her there. The previous day was all of a blur in her mind. Her panic, confusion and determination over Isabelle had overtaken her. It was only now as she stared up at the ceiling that doubt and reason entered her conscious and her soul.

Peyton didn't hate Lindsey. Lindsey was simply the one person who had ultimately come between Peyton and the man she loved. Lindsey brought out all of her insecurities. She remembered since the meeting at the book store Lindsey had always tried so hard. Too hard in Peyton's opinion. Lindsey had wanted so much for her boyfriend's ex to like her and accept her. In that very first meeting Lindsey had been so kind, sensitive and complimentary. She'd gone as far as to tell Peyton how much she admired her. How the girl in Lucas's book seemed so noble, brave and determined. Lindsey seemed awestruck.

Peyton resented Lindsey. She had done when they had met and she still did now. Not because Lindsey was rich, beautiful and a successful editor. Not because she had captured Lucas's heart and had become his wife. She resented Lindsey because Lindsey had the one luxury Peyton herself did not possess. Lindsey had time. She had a lifetime to make a life and build memories with a family that should have been Peyton's own.

Peyton let out a huge sigh into the empty room. She didn't know how she was going to approach Lucas over her concerns. She needed to be careful and sensitive to how she would approach the subject. In her present state she didn't know how she would manage it. She needed to know if her fears were warranted but she couldn't risk isolating herself further from Lucas. She had given Isabelle to Lucas because Lucas could give her child the stability and the life she deserved.

One look out of the smudged window at the darkened star lit skies told her it was early morning. Peyton rarely slept uninterrupted throughout the night. She'd often come home after a long hard day and would fall asleep on the couch only to wake an hour or so later after the initial exhaustion had subsided. Pain, heartache and the fear of what the not so distant future held in store for her consumed the rest of her endless nights.

Finally she kicked off the itchy covers and picked herself up from the bed. She needed some fresh air to clear her foggy mind.

She soon found herself walking the familiar streets of her home town. The sun had only just risen and Peyton decided that dawn was her favourite time of day. The young light's rays etched their way across the grassy landscape, dancing across the water's surface. She made her way deliberately to the River Court. The tranquillity and the sentimentality of these precious landmarks spread calm through her and enabled her to collect her thoughts.

She sat on the wooden bench as she took a deep breath. Her eyes scanned over the faded lettering scrawled across the concrete. It was barely visible now. She took the time to remember a life that meant everything to her. A life and a time that she still held so dearly within her.

The thudding echo of the basketball brought Peyton's attention to the new arrival. Her shining orbs meet with his own; the basketball rolled from his side as he forgot his task and stared at her.

"Morning Coach," she attempted to make light of the awkwardness she now felt. She stood up on weak shaking legs that she didn't think would hold her.

Peyton noticed his eyes, how they seemed to be clouded over with dark circles and worry. They held the reflection of a storm of pain and anguish that threatened to break at any moment. She moved tentatively towards him. She couldn't express what she needed to say or what she felt. No words ever seemed to be enough. Instead she moulded her small frame to his body. She found that place where she would always fit so perfectly.

Lucas just held her. He rested his gaze on her profile whilst his hand trailed over the contours of her spine. A sense of wholeness swept through her. It was as if he had the power to wrap her into his embrace, cuddle her into his arms and love her better.

You can lose yourself to love. You can promise forever and forge a life together. People meet; they fall in love and make promises to one another. One thing we cannot promise or guarantee is an accurate prediction of what is to come. Life offers us a series of twists and turns as people and obstacles enrich and aggravate our lives. If we are fortunate our path is set with the promises of a lifetime, of growing old together, of creating a legacy and a family to leave behind us. If we are not privileged with this gift and this promise, if time is to be cut short, what then? What is left?

He finally broke from her. "Are you ok?" Uncertainty laced into his voice betraying his dread. "Are you....? Is it....?" He couldn't bring himself to say the words.

"No," she stated quickly and abruptly. Peyton forced herself to meet his gaze. "I just.... I need to see her."

**A/N - Let me know what you all think. I'll be seeing ya...**


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note – Hey there guys. I am sorry for the delay in posting this. I know I'm slow at updating. This chapter was a hard one to write. I've written some difficult stuff before but this one was very tricky for me. So that's the reason why it's taken so long. I wanted to do it justice so I'm sorry for the lateness but that is why.

Thanks to everyone who reads this story and to all you wonderful reviewers out there. You always make me smile.

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 9 – Come What May **

It has been said that the most perfect form of love is found in the act of sacrifice. When you love so dearly and so unconditionally that in spite of what your heart might cry out for what it wants you see past this. You see past your own desires enough to simply want everything that is good for the one you love.

Love is not wanting someone, not really. It is simply wanting what is best for them. Whether it is for a man, a woman or a child. A true, pure and untouched act of love comes from doing everything in your power to ensure the one you love is happy even if it is at your own expense.

_x-x-x_

_Peyton lay propped up by pillows in her hospital bed in the maternity ward. Her body was achingly sore after her long and painful labour and she was completely exhausted. She should have been sleeping now but she felt more awake and alert than ever before. Her eyes kept trailing down at the profile of her precious baby that she held so carefully in her arms. _

_Isabelle Sawyer Scott was born two months premature on this chilly autumn day. The tiny life marked the overwhelming sense of contentment that swelled within Peyton's heart. This perfect innocence was a life that she herself had created and as the young mother watched over her sleeping daughter she felt utterly awestruck._

_Peyton watched the newborn baby with wonderment and adoration. She counted the ten perfectly minuscule fingers and toes. Her gaze traced across Isabelle's perfect button nose, her golden flecked lashes, and the delicate eye lids that were pressed lightly shut. Peyton wished she could freeze this moment in all of its purity and preserve it in her memory for eternity. Her mind kept flitting from complete euphoria to complete despair. What should have been the most wonderful day of Peyton's life was tarnished with the knowledge that it could not last. That the completeness she felt was all about to end all too quickly. She felt the sacred bond between mother and child; she had done as soon the crying infant had been placed in her arms. But she had made the decision to give Isabelle the best possible start in life._

_During Peyton's fourth month of pregnancy she had begun to feel tired. Really tired. She had felt tired for so long that she couldn't accurately point to the moment when she realised something wasn't right. She had told herself it was her hormones, her guilt and her confusion over the idea of being a single mother. That these stresses, combined with working and being pregnant were draining her both physically and mentally. She had thought that if she rested more it would pass. But no matter how much she rested and slept she was always tired. Properly bone tired._

_As the days turned to weeks she remembered how Brooke had grown more and more concerned. Brooke at the time had been the only person who knew Peyton was pregnant. Her best friend had marched Peyton to the hospital and reasoned with worried mother to be that she was probably anaemic and needed to be checked out for the baby's sake._

_The two girls had sat in the doctor's office as Peyton told the kind-faced female doctor what was wrong. She felt a stab of fear as the doctor's eyes darkened as Peyton mentioned the nose bleeds she'd began having, the frequent bruising and the breathlessness over the smallest amounts of physical exertion. The doctor had concluded the visit with a blood test and Peyton had left still putting her symptoms down to anaemia._

_The next couple of weeks were filled with more tests and words and implications that Peyton's mind didn't want to process, acknowledge or understand. The tests and medical jargon were things she'd heard on the TV and knew didn't end happily. Then she got the call, the call that said her doctor needed to see her right away. Even as the doctor told her sympathetically that she was sorry and began to talk about treatment and prognosis Peyton couldn't fathom what she was hearing. Her hand had rested on her taunt stomach as only one terrifying reality hit her._

_Peyton had returned back to her lonely apartment, her head whirling with far too many thoughts and overwhelmed by the many decisions she had to make. She had cried her bitter tears. Not for herself but for her unborn child. Every fibre of her being told her that her baby came first._

_For the first time since Peyton had found out that she herself had been adopted she found herself identifying with her birth mother. She had harboured such resentment and anger towards Ellie to begin with. She had then grown to love Ellie and had tried to see past her own mother's shortcomings. But she had never really understood Ellie's actions. She had never wanted to try and fathom why her mother had chosen to give her away. That was until now. Ellie's reasons may have been flawed and questionable but she had given Peyton to Anna and Larry Sawyer in the hopes that Peyton would have a better life. The lifetime's confusion that had occupied Peyton's thoughts could now finally be answered by her own decisions and future actions._

"_Hey P Sawyer," Brooke said quietly as she entered the room. Her usual bouncing step was somewhat diminished. She set down Peyton's overnight bag. Peyton had lost a lot of blood after giving birth and the doctors had advised she stay in the hospital for a couple of days. Brooke smiled sadly as she sank down on the bed beside her and watched her best friend holding her miniature baby girl. "How are you holding up?"_

"_I'm ok," Peyton's voice was but a barely audible whisper. "I called Luke. He's on his way."_

_Brooke simply nodded in response. "It's harder now," Peyton admitted. "It was hard when she was growing inside me. But now that she's here. And she's in my arms. It's really hard."_

"_Are you sure about this? I mean really sure?" Brooke asked as she watched her friend struggling to hold herself together. She had never truly agreed with her friend's decision. She supported Peyton because she would always be loyal to her oldest and dearest friend. Brooke had wanted to adopt a child for a while now and had offered to take care of Isabelle whilst Peyton got treatment. Brooke Davis was always the optimist in the friendship and refused to believe anything other than that her friend would beat her illness._

_Peyton's face softened into the purest smile as Isabelle's eyes opened and focused up at her. Isabelle's very dazzling grey-blue eyes that for now at least mirrored those of her father's. "She deserves a loving home. I can't give her that. Luke can. She deserves to know her father Brooke." _

"_Ok," Brooke conceded regretfully._

_Isabelle's lips parted just a fraction as she let out a small yet distinctive gurgle. Peyton felt the telltale sting of the tears that threatened to fall. "She's so beautiful," she whispered as it was all she could summon within her._

_The perky brunette stroked her fingers so gently over the newborn's soft cheek. "Yeah she is. She's perfect honey." _

_x-x-x_

A mother's love something that no one can truly explain. It just is and is truly unconditional. It is a deep devotion, unyielding and innate. To protect and ensure that your child is happy, loved, safe and going to have the best possible start in life is all a mother could wish for.

-- --

Lucas held Peyton tightly to his chest. He didn't know what else to do. Seeing her was never easy. Seeing her again filled him with such a deep sense of longing and an all too familiar and overwhelming taste of regret. He tried to ignore that she was thinner than he remembered her being. He stroked her back as he attempted to soothe her. She hid her sickness well. Her vivid green eyes still burned with intensity and purpose. She hadn't lost her fight. He didn't believe she ever would. But her eyes also held what was probably unnoticeable to anyone else but he saw it. He always saw it. The haunting shadows of sorrow, regret and loneliness.

He finally pulled himself from her. "Are you ok?" He knew his tone was uncertain. He needed to know if she was alright. But he stumbled on the words he couldn't bring himself to utter into the space between them. "Are you....? Is it....?"

"No," she said simply. Peyton raised her head to meet his gaze. "I just.... I need to see her."

"Ok," he uttered adhering to her request without a moment's consideration. She seemed so fragile. Weak, shaken and scared. That frightened him more than he'd ever admit. "Ok we can go there now. Lindsey's in New York until tomorrow. Mom's looking after Izzy today."

Peyton nodded and fell into step beside him. They walked mostly in silence on the short journey back to the house. Peyton followed him cautiously inside. She couldn't help but feel ill at ease now, like she shouldn't be there. She had been so worried about the prospect of seeing Lindsey. Knowing that the woman wouldn't be there made her feel better and worse at the same time. The guilt that Lucas's wife was completely unaware as to her visit washed over her. Lucas closed the door lightly behind them and Peyton turned to face him.

"Maybe you run this by Lindsey first," she suggested. She had been so intent on just seeing that Isabelle was safe but now she felt more hesitant.

Lucas shook his head, "I told you. I'd never stop you from seeing Izzy."

Peyton gave him a little smile before she surveyed her surroundings and took in the subtle changes about Lucas's childhood home.

Lindsey had completely redecorated and transformed the house. She had replaced Karen's old worn and antique furnishings with new and more up to date ones. The rooms of the house were kept immaculately tidy. The neutral colours and minimalist features were not too Peyton's taste. She wrapped her arms around her body as she felt the chills of the past mix with the uncertainties of the future. The once welcoming home was somewhere she wouldn't have truly recognised if she hadn't been brought there. She then noticed the pictures of the blonde curly haired toddler with Lucas and Lindsey and she wanted to cry.

Karen stepped out from the nursery and the woman's kind brown eyes swept over Peyton and the younger woman offered a small smile by way of greeting. Karen Roe had always been a figure of aspiration in Peyton's life. Karen had loved and lost and still remained strong and graceful in the face of adversity.

Karen's own resolve threatened to crack and she pulled Peyton in for a hug. Peyton embraced the woman she still regarded as a mother figure and welcomed the first rush of calm that swept through her since she'd arrived back in Tree Hill.

"She's still sleeping," Karen said softly. Her eyes fell onto her son. "I'll just be downstairs. I'll let you two have some time together."

Lucas led Peyton into Isabelle's room. The child's own space was so unlike the rest of the house. The walls were painted bright and cheerful as stuffed animals and toys occupied every available space.

Isabelle was but a small crescent shape in the middle of her crib. Peyton felt a sob catch in her throat as she smiled down at the sleeping girl. Only Isabelle's rosy face and tiny clasped fists peeked from the swaths of pink blankets. Her short fine curls fanned out behind her head contrasting against the white sheets. Peyton trailed her hand delicately over the child's soft sweet face.

"Thank you Luke," she whispered.

"No. Thank you," Lucas replied sincerely. "I can't imagine a life without her Peyt."

Peyton glanced back to face him. Her eyes glistening with tears that threatened to be shed. "I know."

-- --

Lucas watched as Peyton and Isabelle interacted with each other later that day. He'd convinced Peyton to stay for a while and spend some time with the little girl; though Peyton hadn't needed much convincing. Isabelle was usually somewhat fussy with strangers and yet had responded almost immediately to the mother she'd never known.

The bond between the two girls was undeniably and unconsciously there. Lucas's heart ached as he saw their matching inter-locked green eyes and all the other likenesses between the two of them. He tried to pretend to his heart that as he saw how perfectly the mother and daughter fitted together that it wasn't all he wanted and needed. For both himself and for Isabelle.

Lucas's mind wandered back to the day when he'd come to take Isabelle from the hospital and back to a life with himself and Lindsey. He remembered seeing Peyton lying pale and exhausted with their brand new baby girl cradled in her arms. He didn't think he'd ever loved anyone as much as he loved them both in that moment.

He crouched down on the carpeted floor beside the girls. Peyton's eyes met with his own and stayed fixed there longer than was necessary. So many memories of their life together, of High School and growing into adulthood blossomed into his mind. They had had everything together and had lost everything together.

"Talk to me Peyt," he said quietly. He had to know if his own fears of seeing her back were needed. He knew she wouldn't supply the information willingly if he didn't ask. "Why are you here?"

"I just...." Peyton faltered. "I just needed to see her." She felt foolish now that she had spent time with both Lucas and Isabelle. Her dream had been so real, so vivid and left its mark of terror on her heart. But as she watched Lucas with her daughter and saw the bond he clearly had with her she felt that she had over reacted. She felt ashamed almost.

"Come on Peyt, I know you better than that." Lucas frowned as he really looked at her. "You show up out of the blue. What's going on?" In his mind there was only one reason why she'd show up like this. He didn't want to face that fact, he hadn't done when she'd first come to him. He didn't want to now. But he still needed to know.

Peyton tried to avoid his questioning gaze. His thoughts and concerns were clearly visible on his perfectly chiselled features. She knew him all too well. She knew how he worried about her. She remembered back to when Ellie had lost her own battle to cancer; Lucas had been the one to advise her to let the ones she loved in. That she didn't have to be alone.

She was unsure of whether to admit why she had come. She didn't want to offend or upset him. But then she was reminded that this was Lucas. The same sensitive boy who'd seen into her heart when they were teenagers. He was the one she'd wanted forever with. And Lucas was the man who she trusted to take care of her of her child. She owed him some sort of an explanation.

She bit her lip before she began speaking, "I had this dream. Actually it was more like a nightmare. Isabelle was sick and I couldn't help her. I got worried and I don't know. I guess I was scared something bad had happened to her."

Lucas placed a hand lightly on her shoulder. "I'd never let anything happen to her Peyton. I promised you that back then and I meant it. She's the most important thing in the world to me Peyt. You can believe that."

"I know," she stammered. "I guess I just needed to see her and see she was ok with my own eyes." Peyton's eyes strayed back to her daughter as she traced her finger over the miniature hand. "But she's clearly happy. You're great with her Luke. And she's perfect. She's having the life I wanted for her."

Lucas smiled slightly but as he did Peyton saw the cracks shining through. She furrowed her brow with the same concern she'd felt when she'd called him.

"So," she took a chance at bringing up the subject that still weighed on her mind. "So um you can tell me to mind my own business; but you and Lindsey? Is everything ok?"

"It's hard," Lucas ran a hand over Izzy thin curls, focusing on his daughter as he voiced a truth he couldn't confess to himself or anyone else until now. "Lindsey tries. She does. She tries with Izzy. Or at least she did."

His and Lindsey's marriage had fractured long before Isabelle's birth. He knew that. But the child that even Lindsey had thought would bring them closer served to drive them further apart.

Lucas inhaled deeply. "I don't know Peyt. She doesn't really have a bond with Izzy. Lindsey's been depressed. Really depressed. And I know it must be hard for her. But she won't talk to me about it anymore. It's just been getting worse. I've been trying to cope with coaching and raising Izzy. Si**n**ce Izzy turned one Lindsey has distanced herself more and more from me. Mom helps out a lot now, so does Haley."

Peyton listened to his words as he confided in her. Lindsey truly came into focus in front of her. "Luke I'm sorry."

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Lucas uttered sadly.

Peyton nodded, "I know."

Lucas let a loud audible sigh pass his lips. As much as it pained him to even think about the prospect that he might be repeating his own father's mistakes the irony of his own heart's desires weren't lost on him.

"You ever wish you could go back?" he asked before he could even process the words flowing freely from his mouth.

"Yeah," she admitted sadly. "I do. All the time."

A click of the front door opening marked Lindsey's return. She'd dropped her bag with a thud and then entered the lounge. Her mouth fell open at the unexpected sight in front of her.

Lindsey's eyes met with Peyton's immediately. She scrutinized Peyton as she lips were pursed tightly together.


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note – Hey there guys. I want to thank you all for reading, supporting and giving me so much wonderful feedback on this story.

I know this chapter is very late in coming. I am really sorry. I know I can be slow on updating but this time there is actually a good reason. The last couple of weeks have been really crazy and life changingly eventful for me. But I am sorry. The next update is about half written so they're won't be such a wait.

I want to say thanks to Mel, Sheena, Tori and Gigi. You've all been great to me these past couple of weeks, whether it be helping me with hashing out story ideas or just keeping me sane. :)

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 10 – Only You**

_It has been said that if you truly love someone then you will sacrifice everything within your power to make that person happy. I love too much. I cannot let him go. I hold on to him for dear life. I cling on to a memory that isn't mine._

Lindsey walked into the lounge and the sight in front of her caused her heart to leap into her throat. She stood motionless as a cold chill spread up her spine. She remained speechless as she stood in the doorway to her own home. It was all she could do to remain fixed to the spot as she stared at the scene in front of her. She felt the painful swell of her own insecurity and inadequacy.

The image of the perfect family; her husband sat crossed legged on the floor with Peyton and Isabelle. Her own husband smiled and watched as his daughter slept contently whilst nestled securely in her mother's arms.

The three of them fitted so naturally. They just came together so effortlessly even after all this time. That very knowledge stung Lindsey to the core of her being. She was reminded once again that after a year with Isabelle this was not a bond that she had ever been able to achieve despite her best efforts.

A sob caught in her throat as she realised whilst Isabelle maybe had always sensed her own anxiety whilst she tried to take care of her; the baby responded innately to her true mother's love.

The pitiful sound brought all attentions onto Lindsey then. And as Lucas stood, Lindsey's own fearful shortcomings were replaced by the familiarity of anger and indignation. His face wore a look of surprise combined with guilt which served to aggravate her suspicions further.

"What's going on here?" Lindsey demanded. "What the hell is _she_ even doing here?" Her eyes focused on to Peyton and Isabelle. The jealousies surged within her. Peyton Sawyer was the girl who'd always managed to taint Lindsey's own hopes and dreams by constantly being Lucas's one and only.

"Lindsey," Lucas began saying. "I can explain."

"Yes I think you should," Lindsey retorted. Her icy accusing stare was fixed on Peyton.

Peyton rose up to her feet carefully as the sleeping infant remained cradled in her arms. The sudden change in the atmosphere that had fallen over the room however soon fuelled Isabelle's telltale cries.

"Linds," Lucas said almost begging. "Don't do this now." He turned and took a writhing Isabelle from Peyton's embrace. He didn't want his daughter subjected to this. Karen had entered from the kitchen at the sound of Lindsey's oncoming outburst and Isabelle's straggled cries.

"Mom could you take Izzy?" he asked as his mother instinctively gathered up the wailing child from his arms and took her from the house and the scene that was about to unfold.

"Linds...I can explain," Lucas began again. He attempted to pick out a justification that just wasn't there.

"Don't even say it," Lindsey spat. She shook her head in disbelief. In her mind Peyton's very presence in her home was a mark of betrayal. "I don't believe this." It was all too convenient in her eyes. She'd been out of town and as she had changed her plans slightly at the last minute she had found the two of them together. This only helped to confirm her nagging distrust.

"Lindsey we weren't..." Peyton fumbled for her words under the brunette's reproachful glare.

"Weren't what?" Lindsey asked incredulously. "You're here together behind my back."

"I just showed up," Peyton attempted her explanation. "Luke didn't even know I was coming."

"Don't you even try to explain," Lindsey's tone was more forceful than she meant it to be. It was all too easy to direct all her anger at her rival. It was easier for her to blame the girl who was the source of her insecurities rather than simply admitting Peyton was a victim too. Lucas's indecisiveness meant the two women had more in common than Lindsey cared to admit. "I don't even want you in my house."

"I just came to see Isabelle," Peyton tried. "I just wanted to see she's alright."

"Why?" Lindsey asked. "Why now? It's been a year. And we've been doing fine without you." The stab of hurt that illuminated Peyton's face at that statement gave Lindsey both a sense of satisfaction and guilt.

"Peyton has every right to see Izzy," Lucas cut in. "Izzy is her daughter."

Her husband's defending Peyton only infuriated her further. "Oh I know that. Every time I look at _your_ daughter I can see _her_ eyes." Lindsey broke down as she uttered the statement she had carried around with her like a lead weight for the past twelve months. She brought her hands to her face to shield herself from their concerned looks. As Lucas tried to curl a hand at her shoulder to comfort her she angrily shrugged him off.

"Green eyes and blonde hair Luke," she rose her face to meet with his. "I could never forget who Izzy's mother is. How could I when every time I as much as look at her I see that bitch."

Lucas swallowed hard as his wife's buried feelings rose to the surface. The harsh reality of what had brought them all to this point hit him full force. He had never wanted to be this guy. He had never wanted to be this version of himself. He had never wanted to become like his father. And yet when he looked at himself in the mirror and reflected upon his own actions he knew that was who he was becoming. His father had been torn between the ideals of what he had versus the true love he had known.

"Lindsey," Lucas murmured softly as he tried to keep the situation from escalating further.

"I don't want her here." Lindsey shook her head. "I don't want her in my house."

"She's still my daughter Lindsey." Peyton stated. "I just wanted to see her. I have every right to see her."

"How dare you," Lindsey snapped. "You gave her up. And now I'm raising your darling little girl," her words were laced with sarcasm.

At that something within Peyton snapped and she moved forward in one swift motion. Her hand flicked forward and landed hard across Lindsey' cheek. There was a brief shocked pause and Lindsey recoiled and stood with her hand on her face. She held her breath as the sparks of anger ignited within her. Then with the snarl etched back onto her features she lunged.

Lucas instantly grabbed his wife by the shoulders and forcefully pulled her back.

"Lindsey! Don't!" Lucas warned. Despite Peyton's momentary lapse of self control her small diminishing frame meant that she wouldn't have caused much damage. He knew however in her present rage Lindsey could really hurt the blonde.

Lindsey shrugged him off. Lucas's instinct to protect Peyton caused her temper to boil over. Her husband positioned himself between the two women.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE," Lindsey barked in retaliation. She pointed sternly at the direction of the front door. Her other hand remained clamped over her reddening cheek.

"Lindsey!" Lucas turned his gaze onto his wife. Her stance remained unyielding. He knew however there was no reasoning with her when she became so irrational. "Peyt you don't have to go."

"No it's fine. I should go," Peyton ventured. She grabbed her bag up from the floor and slung it over her shoulder. "I'm staying at the Riverview Motel," she told Lucas. "I'll be there until the end of the week."

"Ok," Lucas replied lightly.

Peyton headed for the door wanting so badly to put some distance between her and Lindsey. She however stopped in her tracks and turned back to the furious woman. It was perhaps ill advised given present circumstances but Peyton Sawyer had never been one to walk away from a fight.

"You want to know what I think Lindsey?" Peyton asked. She trembled from within her core as the woman's gaze met her. But despite this she kept her deliverance strong and firm. "I think you are the most selfish person I have ever met."

Lindsey took a step back. A sneer remained stretched across her face and the veins in her neck were clearly visible as she remained lost in her anger and contempt. But Peyton's words did cause her to back down. "You think I'm selfish? I'm raising your baby. Yours and Lucas's."

"Yeah, you're with the man I love. You're raising Isabelle. And you don't even......" Peyton faltered. Tears burnt at the corners of her eyes and she felt her throat constrict with the onset of emotion. "And the really sad thing is you don't realise what you have. You don't even realise how lucky you are. You're jealous? Insecure? And yet you have everything I want."

-- --

_You may think I'm selfish. I think sometimes that I am selfish. My heart yearns for him. His heart aches for her. I know that and yet I can't let go. I fell for the image of a man who would do anything for the woman he'd loved more than life itself. Only I was never that woman._

Hours had passed since the confrontation and Lindsey sat at the kitchen table as she attempted to drown her sorrows. She stared into nothingness in the quiet of her home. Lucas had left shortly after Peyton as he decided it best for them to have some space whilst they each calmed down.

The click of the front door marked his return. He made his way to the kitchen and dropped his keys with a slight clunk. As soon as he had stepped into the room the atmosphere had become charged with all the recriminations that had just to be voiced.

Lucas didn't speak. He just stood there watching her. He was waiting for her to explain herself.

Lindsey raised her eyes from the depths of her glass finally and looked at her husband. He stood perfectly still. His feet were placed firmly on the varnished floor boards and his arms were folded tightly at his chest.

"I just checked in with mom," he announced then. "She's going to take Izzy for the night."

He'd lost weight she realised then as she really looked at him. She realised she hadn't looked at him properly in months. He had been a presence, he had always been a part of her daily life but somewhere along the way she had become disconnected from him. His face was thinner and strained. He wore dark shadows under his eyes and had cut his sandy locks shorter. Not only that though. He was missing something. His beautiful blue eyes betrayed that fact. He was missing his confidence, his laidback air. He was missing that light and that spark that made him Lucas Scott.

Lindsey swallowed hard as the thought entered her mind that her husband's changes may be down to her. It saddened her that it may be her doing. But she also felt resentment. She felt resentment that he was showing her that their fraying marriage was partly of her own making.

Lucas pulled out a chair across from her with a scrap against the floor boards and sank down into the seat. A flicker of anxiety passed through her as he stared at her. She averted her gaze quickly. She didn't want to feel guilty.

"You're drinking?" Lucas said simply when his wife chose to remain silent. He resisted the urge to shout at her.

"Why not?" Lindsey said finally with a shrug of her shoulders. "My husband defended his beloved ex and not me. So I think I have every right to be drinking."

Lucas squeezed his eyes tightly shut and let out a deep heavy breath. "Lindsey this has got to stop."

"Yes you're right, it does," Lindsey said bringing the wine glass back up to her lips.

"No! Lindsey," Lucas said forcefully. "This has to stop. The drinking. The blaming everyone else for your problems."

"Don't you dare," Lindsey's eyes met with his as horror and anger spiked through her expression. "Don't you dare put this all on me. You're the one who slept with someone. No. Not just someone else. No you slept with the one person..... You slept with her Lucas."

"Oh come on," Lucas bit back. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he attempted to relieve some of his frustrations. "You know that's not exactly what happened. From what I remember you walked out on me."

"Because I loved you," Lindsey confessed through the build up of tears. "I left you because I loved you. I left because I was a mess in this marriage. And because I couldn't have your child. "

Lucas fell silent as he absorbed her words. She was right. The beginning of their marriage had been fraught with misfortune. She had desperately tried to be everything for him. They had tried for a baby immediately after they had got married. He had wanted to wait. He had wanted it to just be them for a year or so. He had wanted to be content in just being a married couple. But Lindsey had been adamant about having a child. It had meant everything to her to complete their family and he had wanted to give her what she wanted.

They had tried for a baby. When she failed to become pregnant they had gone to the doctor. When the tests revealed that Lindsey couldn't get pregnant she had withdrawn from him. It was as if she changed overnight. She had begun to drink to lessen the pain and the feelings of inadequacy. She had distanced herself more and more from everyone as she refused to admit that she had a problem.

"I know," Lucas said then. Lindsey had fallen apart before his very eyes. She had been so sure of herself, so determined when they had first met. After she discovered she couldn't have children the woman who lay next to him every night wasn't the same woman that he had known.

After she reached breaking point she had cried out for help. Lucas had then come to the shocking realisation of just how much she hadn't been coping. Once she was released from her stay at the hospital Lindsey had announced that she believed the marriage to be a mistake and that she wanted a divorce. A confused Lucas had begrudgingly agreed to her request. He hadn't known what else to do.

"I tried to do what was best for you Linds. I tried to give you space," Lucas murmured. "You told me you wanted a divorce. I thought the marriage was over."

Lucas had all but fallen apart at his wife's attempted suicide and then revelation that she wanted a divorce. He remembered as he fell into a pit of confusion Haley had advised him to grant Lindsey's wishes if that was what she truly wanted. Haley had also told him that given time Lindsey might change her mind. Lucas had decided to take some time away from Tree Hill.

"And the second I was out of the picture you fell into bed with her," Lindsey sniped.

"Oh for god's sake." Lucas placed his head in his hands. After a beat he let his eyes meet with hers again. "I never denied that night. Not once. But you can't put this all on me."

Lindsey turned her attentions back to the glass in front of her.

"Lindsey I can't do this anymore," he let it out. The words were barely an audible whisper. The weight of the statement and all its consequence left him.

"What did you say?" she asked disbelievingly.

"I said," he paused as he hesitated. He didn't want to hurt her. As he looked into her tear stained eyes he knew that he had loved her. He had. But he loved a past Lindsey. One that was young and free and not burdened with bitterness and jealousy. "I said I can't do this anymore."

"Luke?" Lindsey's tone was fearful. "This is because of her isn't it?"

"No." Lucas confessed. "It's not. It's about Isabelle. And it's about me and you. I have to do what is right for Izzy. This hasn't been working for a long time. We're both miserable. We can't go on like this."

As hard as it had been for him to accept; the day had served to make him face just how much their relationship had fractured and how he didn't want such an unstable family life for his daughter. He had seen how his own brother had been affected by a similar home life.

He stood up on weary legs. "I'm going to spend the night at moms."

"Lucas," Lindsey raised herself up unsteadily and moved slowly to him. She took his large hands in her smaller ones. "I'm so sorry. I really love you. I do. And I know that I've not been the best wife. Or the best mother. But I can do better. I can be better. I really love you. And can grow to love Izzy."

Lucas shook his head. "I'm sorry Lindsey," he said regretfully. "I can't do this anymore."

"Please Luke," she begged.

He moved from her grasp. "I'm sorry."

Lindsey watched helplessly as her husband walked away from her. The hurt swelled within her. She wanted to be better than this. She did. The harsh sobs shuddered through her body.

_I need him so much that I would do anything to keep him. I did. But now the illusion is fading before my very eyes. As it fractures I feel my world slowly slipping away......_

-- --

Peyton weaved her way through the graveyard early the next morning. She slowly approached the all too familiar headstone that marked the spot where her mother had been buried. She placed her hand on the cold stone tracing her fingers over the lettering.

"Hi mom. It's me." She crouched down then and laid the flowers she had brought with her onto the grass. "Sorry that it's been so long. I've missed talking to you."

Peyton sat in the quiet tranquillity. She remembered how when she was growing up she would often sit for hours at her mother's grave talking about her life and hoping to receive guidance in some celestial way. As she sat in silence now she realised she was no longer seeking out answers that weren't there. Now it was as if she was desperate to find a light in the darkness of her fate. She was seeking something, a sign, which would just make her believe everything was going to be alright.

She attempted to collect her thoughts. She attempted to smooth out the raw edges of her pain and confusion. Here, in this spot she felt closeness and the comfort of someone watching over her.

"Peyton?" the familiar voice sounded from behind her causing Peyton to turn her head. The young woman pulled herself up from the ground and she moved towards Karen and Isabelle.

"Hi," she said raising her hand by way of greeting. Her glance flittered from Karen's deep kind eyes to her little girl lying in the stroller.

"I was just visiting with Keith," Karen offered. The two women shared a moment of quiet mutual commiseration. They both knew all too well of the pain of loss and sacrifice. "Come sit with us," the dark haired woman said as she motioned to a nearby bench. "Would you like to hold her?"

Peyton nodded and watched as the tiny girl was lifted from the stroller and carefully placed her into Peyton's welcoming arms.

The three of them sat in silence for several long minutes as Peyton just held Isabelle.

"Thank you for helping Luke the way you have," Peyton said gratefully. It made her feel so much more at ease knowing that Karen, a woman she'd looked to as a mother figure, was such a pivotal part of Isabelle's life. "And thank you for raising Lucas to be the man and the father that he is."

"There's nothing a mother wouldn't do for her child," Karen turned to look at Peyton. "Lucas told me you were sick."

"Yeah," Peyton answered sadly. She averted her gaze focusing on the tiny hand she held in her own. She tested its slight weight and stroked her finger delicately against the incredible softness. "The worst part is I'll never really know her. I'll never get to see her grow up."

"How long do you have?" Karen asked as gently as

Peyton took a deep breath in an attempt to release some of the anguish that the looming revelation had already brought swelling into her stomach.

"Not long." It was an admission she had trouble conveying to anyone. Yet here with Karen the words spilled from her lips so readily. The tears gathered at the corners of her eyes as her strength began to weaken. "I'm really scared."

"Oh honey," Karen's arm curled around Peyton's shoulder as she drew her close and Peyton sobbed.


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Note – Ok, so I know this chapter is way late in coming. I am really really sorry for that. My muse hasn't been the most co operative of late with this story but I am committed to finishing it. So sorry for the long delay and to make up for it here is a long chapter. Longer than I usually write but it just came out this way.

Enjoy!

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 11 – In Our Dreams We Would Be Perfect**

When I was a little girl my mom would take me down to a field of wild flowers where I'd play for hours. Those were the days when I still believed in fairy tales and that if you really wished hard for something it would always come true. I'd wear my favourite pink dress, I liked to wear pink in those days, and my mom would put my hair in pigtails. I'd run so fast that I thought I'd never be able to stop. I'd run so fast before my mom would catch me up in her arms and take me home.

My mom used to sing me to sleep. My dad would be away at sea and my mom would sit on the edge of my bed and she'd sing to me. Sometimes she'd sing lullabies and sometimes she'd sing me show tunes. She'd tell me that she used to dream about singing on the stage at Broadway; that had been her dream. She told me it didn't matter anymore because she had the family that meant the world to her instead. I'd fall asleep to the sound of her voice. The comforting sound I thought would always be there.

When she died there was just silence. I'd lie in my room every night in silence. I'd listen to the sounds of silence and feel more emptiness than I think anyone should have to bear. That's why I fell in love with music. With music the silence stopped. The emptiness went away even if it was for just a little while. I suppose maybe that's why I chose the career I have. I could never sing myself but my mom never got to realise her dream of making it. When she'd sing to me she seemed as alive and as hopeful as I remember feeling in that field. I wanted to watch as others achieved their dream and see how they wore that look of pure conviction and knowledge that they were great at something they truly loved; that they were born to do.

_x-x-x_

_Lucas had been working late on plays for an up and coming championship game in their old High School gym when she came to break the news of their child. He hadn't even expected to see her. He was even less prepared for the words that came from her lips. He dropped his pen and he stood up on uncertain legs, crossing over the court and making his way to her. His footsteps echoing against the hard polished wood floor._

_Seeing her was never easy. Seeing her always filled him with a deep yearning of what might have been. They'd grown further and further apart in the last couple of years. He'd seen her at his and Lindsey's wedding as she attempted to let him go but it was evident she still loved him and he'd denied to everyone he still loved her. He'd seen her when he had shown up in LA unannounced and they'd crossed a line that ultimately fractured any hesitant links of communication they had. For the last few months any news on how she was doing was filtered between Brooke, Haley or Nathan before it reached him days old. It was crazy to think how the woman he still secretly regarded as a soul mate was so distanced from him that sometimes he believed her to be more of a fading memory than an existing reality._

"_Hi," Peyton's voice sounded in the large open space._

"_Hi," Lucas said questioningly. "What are you doing here Peyt?"_

"_I saw your car in the parking lot," she told him by way of explanation to her sudden arrival. She fidgeted with her hands as her nervousness became apparent. "I need to talk to you. I figured here was better than at the house."_

"_What's going on?" he asked worriedly. "Are you ok?" Something wasn't right._

"_I'm pregnant Lucas," Peyton informed him then and his eyes dropped immediately to the distinctive curve of her stomach and it was as if all air had escaped his lungs._

"_Nineteen weeks pregnant to be exact. The baby's..."she bit down on her lip hard. "The baby's yours Luke."_

_So many thoughts entered his head in a matter of seconds. Their one night together came back to haunt him with its implications; his marriage to Lindsey which was on shaking grounds after their separation may now be in jeopardy once again. He remained silent and unsure of what to say and how to react._

"_I'm sorry," she uttered. It seemed strange to hear herself feeling the need to apologise for the existence of her child. She remembered feeling overjoyed at the news of the baby. A piece of her and Lucas had been created; it was now growing inside her. Her baby had never once made her feel shame or regret; that was until now as she stood in front of Lucas._

"_Are you sure? That it's mine?" he asked quietly._

"_There hasn't been anyone else," she told him honestly. There was never anyone else. "I'm sorry," she muttered again. She had questioned before she knew she was sick whether she'd even have told him. His marriage to Lindsey was still uncertain. It was still a tentative reconciliation as Lucas tried to be there for Lindsey. This wasn't the best news for him to hear when he still wanted to try and save his marriage. _

"_Ok," he nodded as he quietly tried to remain focused. He watched her intently as both stayed silent. Something wasn't right. She looked different; it was in her eyes. It was subtle, barely there but it unsettled him. It sent a wave of alerted fear through him. "What aren't you telling me?"_

"_I'm sick Luke," the words sounded painfully in her throat. She had been strong, a mirage she could hold up well now when she saw him. A false image she had created. An image of togetherness, of success and self belief; though she believed she had lost all these things when he promised to share his life with another woman._

"_Sick?" Lucas's fine features were barely illuminated by the low lighting and the fearful doubt that swarmed through his thoughts came thick and fast. The reality of her visit filled him with something he'd hoped he'd never feel._

"_Leukaemia," the word was brittle and cold as it escaped her lips. Foreboding. A sense of hopelessness filled the air between them. _

_Lucas unconsciously closed the hesitant distance between them then. His instinct was always to protect her no matter what their circumstances may be._

"_Peyton," his arms reached out for her. He didn't know what else to do. He'd seen the look she held in her eyes now only once before. He remembered it all too well. The fateful day of the school shooting. She had worn that look on the day where she had truly believed she was going to die._

"_Don't," she told him firmly and took a step back. If he held her in his arms it would be harder. If he held her in his arms she'd break down and be reminded of more that she couldn't bear to lose. "I...the doctors say it's bad. Advanced. The prognosis isn't good. Brooke found a specialist in LA. He's the best there is. He'll give me the best possible chance. But...I need to know if you'll take her?"_

_Lucas stared at her as a new and frightening reality ignited within him. "Take her? I don't understand. Take her?"_

"_The baby. It's a girl Luke. I need to know if you'll take her."_

_Lucas's eyes travelled across the familiarity of the gym. They'd spent so many hours together in this room. Him a basketball player and her a cheerleader. He'd entered into her world with such an uncertainty. This wasn't right; her art had brought him to this court in the beginning. "Are you going to get better?"_

_Peyton exhaled slowly, as she answered the burning question her voice was impeded by the threat of tears. "I'm going to try. Once she's born I'm going to try."_

"_No," he uttered helplessly. "Not you."_

_This wasn't happening. His mind dizzied as he listened to her words but refused to acknowledge their meaning and implications. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Not for her. Not for Peyton._

_-- --_

_It wasn't supposed to be this way. The thought entered Lucas's mind before he'd even entered the maternity wing of the hospital. He stood in the elevator as he tried not to watch the young couple beside him coo over their new baby boy. The girl in the wheel chair cradled their new born son in her arms and smiled in wonderment. The father crouched beside them with a look of a man who was as proud as he was uncertain of the future but never the less about to begin a whole new chapter in his life._

_With the ping of the elevator door the new family wheeled away and Lucas took a deep breath as he attempted to maintain some semblance of strength. He was about to meet his very own first born daughter; a realisation that filled him with great pride and a nagging uncertainty. This was just never the way he'd envisioned bringing his child home._

_Two months ago Lucas had received the most wonderful and the most devastating news of his life. In the space of five minutes he had learned that he was going to become a father and he had also learned that Peyton had cancer. She had asked him to take their baby so she would have a better life. She didn't think she would survive the illness. She'd given up; that is what he sometimes believed. The Peyton Sawyer he'd always remembered was a fighter; she'd never simply choose to give up._

_In a daze he made his way over to the nurse's station to find out which room Peyton was in. He made his way then slowly to the room stopping as he saw his first love holding their hours old baby girl. Peyton sat propped up by pillows in the hospital bed with Brooke Davis at her side. He stood silently leaning heavily against the door frame as he watched them._

_Peyton's once worried and confused face now held the purest of smiles as looked down at her baby.__ "She deserves a loving home. I can't give her that. Luke can. She deserves to know her father Brooke," Peyton was telling Brooke. _

"_Ok," Brooke uttered sadly but placed a hand of comfort on the blonde's tired shoulders. The two friends had been together through both the good times and the bad. Brooke remained loyal to Peyton despite the many tests to their friendship. Lucas felt some comfort in knowing that she would now protect Peyton and be there for her in ways that he no longer could._

"_She's so beautiful," Peyton said quietly through the onset of tears._

"_Yeah she is. She's perfect honey," the brunette agreed wholeheartedly stroking her hand over the newborn's cheek and smiling reassuringly at her friend. "You did good Peyt. Real good."_

_Peyton's eyes travelled towards the doorway to where he stood. She blinked away the shining tears as she attempted to remain collected. "Luke? Hi."_

"_Hi Peyt," Lucas murmured feeling even more unsure and uncomfortable than when he'd first arrived._

"_Come in," she beckoned though her embrace around their daughter strengthened a small fraction as the innate maternal instinct overtook her._

_On cue Brooke moved up from the bed and hastily slung her bag over her shoulder. "I'm going to give you a few minutes to talk alone," she told Peyton kissing the new mother's temple. "I'll just be outside if you need me."_

_With Brooke gone and the two of them alone Lucas closed the space between them and stood by Peyton's side. The fiery girl lay pale, her curls matted and tangled. She was completely shattered from child birth but she had never looked more beautiful to him as she wore a smile sacred and secret to a bond that held the three of them together for now and for always._

"_Would you like to meet your daughter Lucas Scott?" she asked. She was trying to be brave and that tugged at his heart._

"_Yeah very much so," Lucas smiled with a hint of sadness as he sat down then next to the mother and daughter._

_Peyton swallowed her brimming emotions as best she could as she handed her baby to Lucas. "Isabelle Sawyer Scott this is your daddy." She watched as Lucas's expression blazed with the same captivated feelings she herself had felt as the nurse first placed the tiny life into her arms._

"_Hey baby girl," Lucas was instantly mesmerized by the miniature blue orbs with their flecks of grey as his daughter looked at him for the first time._

_Peyton's and Lucas's eyes interlocked above the crown of the new born's head for a long string of treasured and lingering moments._

"_She's so tiny," Lucas muttered through a thin glaze of tears. He felt completely overwhelmed with emotion as he stared down at the tiny living bundle he now held himself responsible for. The surges of unconditional love and protectiveness hit him instantly. He let his eyes trail over the infant's delicate features. _

"_She's absolutely perfect. She's more than I ever imagined," Peyton said stroking Isabelle's outstretched hand and the baby let out a small cry and reached back towards her mother. _

"_You don't have to do this Peyt," Lucas told her with conviction. "You can keep her. You can keep her and I'll help you." He'd have done anything to keep them together._

"_No," Peyton began with the last remaining threads of rationalised thought she clung to. She wanted to keep Isabelle more than she had wanted anything in her life. "No I can't."_

"_Are you sure about this? I mean really sure?" He knew her better than most. He knew why she had chosen this path. He knew she would want Isabelle to have the complete and loving family that both of them hadn't had growing up._

_Peyton bit her lip hard as she fought with her own very powerful instincts. "I have to be realistic Lucas. I need you to do this for her. I need her to have the best life. I don't want her to grow up without...She'll have you and Lindsey." Peyton eyes locked with Lucas's crystal blues. She wore a look of decisive determination. "I've thought this over long and hard. I have. It's all I think about. I want her to have a real family. I need to know that she's going to have that."_

"_She will Peyt," he assured her. "I promise you."_

"_You should go," Peyton said and cast him a final look that was both grateful and sad. She could feel her strength and resolve ebbing away as she watched Lucas tend to Isabelle. _

_Brooke who had been dutifully standing outside the room returned. Her brown eyes met briefly with Lucas's before she took her place next to her best friend's bedside. Brooke's arm laced its way over Peyton's shoulders._

"_Take care of her. Give her the life she deserves. I want that with all my heart."_

"_I will."_

_x-x-x_

When we arrive into the world we are perfect, unbroken and unspoiled. We have a clean slate, a potential that is both unfulfilled and full of promise. I look back at my life these past few years and the actions I've taken and I wish I could change things. Everybody does right? But the one thing I'd never change is Isabelle. My night with Lucas was misguided maybe but I'd never take it back. It gave me her.

Haley rapped once again on the door of Lucas's home early on the crisp autumn morning and frowned when still she received no answer. Lucas had promised to take Jamie for the day so that she and Nathan could redecorate their son's room. Lucas wouldn't have forgotten, he was always so attentive towards his nephew and had promised Jamie a trip to the arcade.

"Jamie honey," she crouched down to her son's height. "Take the keys and go wait for me in the car ok."

The little seven year old dutifully took the keys from his mother's outstretched hand and raced off towards their black SUV.

"Luke?" Haley called into the hushed hallway. "Lindsey?" The house was eerily quiet. Normally the home was alive with her little niece's laughter as Lucas or his mom fussed over her. Something really wasn't right.

A chill spread down her spine as Haley peered her head around the lounge door. She found Lindsey sprawled out over the couch with an empty bottle of liquor on the floor beside her. Haley let out a deep breath escape her. She entered the room and knelt down next to her sister in law and shook her by the shoulder.

"Lindsey wake up," she said firmly when the woman failed to stir.

"Haley?" came the slurred response. Lindsey lifted her head a fraction from the cushions. She squinted through bleary eyes as the petite brunette came into focus.

The rancid smell of alcohol ticked at Haley's nostrils. "Where are Lucas and Izzy?" Haley asked as her eyes scanned the otherwise empty home.

This scene was familiar and unsettling to Haley. And she felt the harsh stabbing reality as it hit her hard. They'd been having marital troubles for far too long. Lucas and Lindsey had split up once before when Lindsey's drinking became out of control. Haley knew the two were growing further apart and their relationship was becoming less and less salvageable. However Haley felt an enforced shame that Lucas hadn't confided in her how bad things were becoming. That she hadn't been there for the man she had considered her brother even before she had become his sister in law.

"We had a fight. Lucas left me," her best friend's wife slurred.

"Lindsey, I'm sorry," Haley said in a heartfelt voice. She was truly sorry. She had always liked Lindsey. When she had seen the good woman that Lucas's very first editor was she had instantly warmed to her. In so many ways Lindsey had been everything Lucas had needed after his painful breakup to Peyton. Lindsey had made Lucas lighter; but only for a short while. Lucas's heart still burned for the same person it had always burned for. Haley saw it; she believed that everyone who knew Lucas did. Everyone that is apart from Lucas.

A strangled cry escaped Lindsey's throat and hot bitter tears rolled down her cheeks. Haley pulled Lindsey into an embrace as she sobbed. "I'm so tired of feeling like this Haley. I just wanted it to stop."

"I know," Haley stroked the woman's shaking form in an effort to soothe her.

"Come on," Haley said gently once Lindsey's crying had subsided. "Let's get you into bed." She helped her sister in law up on to her feet and began to guide her to the bed room. Once they had made their way to the room Haley busied herself with the task of helping her friend into the bed and drew the covers up to the woman's chin.

"Haley," the woman's voice was the faintest whisper as she uttered sadly. "Lucas made me feel less alone. I tried to be enough."

"Shh," Haley brushed back to tangled locks from Lindsey's clammy forehead. "Just try and get some sleep ok."

-- --

With Lindsey sleeping off the effects of the alcohol Haley called Lucas. She had broken the news regretfully that Lindsey was drinking once again and her heart ached for her best friend as he returned home to deal with his wife. Lucas's gaze met with her own as he attempted to remain strong though the dark circles under his eyes showed just how much of toll the situation was taking on him.

"Are you ok Luke?" Haley asked worriedly. As much as she cared about Lindsey, her loyalty would always be first and full most to her oldest friend and his little girl. "Is Izzy ok?"

"Yeah, Izzy's fine. She's with mom." Lucas looked like he hadn't slept at all the previous night. The usual glint in his eyes was completely gone now.

"What's going on Lucas?" Haley enquired as she set a cup of coffee in front of him and they sat down at the kitchen table. "Lindsey said you've left her."

Lucas nodded sadly but stared into the depths of the mug. "Lindsey and I had a fight."

"About her drinking?" Haley ventured then and both sets of eyes moved to the dozen or so liquor bottles she had spent the last half hour uncovering. "I found those hidden all about the house."

Lucas frowned deeply as he surveyed the many bottles lined up on the counter. The bottles his wife had managed to hide from him. He hadn't seen her slipping; not this far anyway. Not back to hiding her drinking from him. He hadn't realised this was happening again and he felt like he had failed her by not noticing how she was spiralling back to her old ways. But as much as he felt responsible he also felt betrayed by Lindsey too. He'd made sacrifices to try and salvage his marriage.

"The fight wasn't just about the drinking," Lucas admitted then. "Peyton came back to town to see Izzy. Lindsey saw us together and jumped to conclusions."

"Oh," Haley's thoughts came to a full stop. She knew how Lindsey felt inferior to Peyton; she'd confided in her after "The Comet" was published that she believed the book was a way for Lucas to hold on to his lost love. Haley hadn't told Lindsey that she believed it was too but she did. Peyton had always haunted the marriage whether Lucas meant her too or not.

"When Lindsey and I discovered she couldn't have children... and I saw what it did to her. To us," Lucas regarded his sister in law with a lost sadness. "I really did try to do right by my family. I tried to do right by Lindsey. I wanted to save our marriage. I did. I thought if she had Izzy that she'd learn to love her as her own daughter."

"Luke," Haley reached out a hand and placed it gently on her friend's shoulder. She hated to see him this way.

Lucas put his head in his hands, "I don't know what to do anymore Hales. I really tried to make our marriage work."

"I know you did," Haley uttered honestly. Her childhood friend did try his best to rebuild his marriage after Lindsey had agreed to come back to him.

"How did I get here? How did I become my father? With a wife who's miserable because of me."

"Oh Luke," Haley reached out for him again. She'd seen Lucas as he grew up; the boy whose father had abandoned him and he had sworn he'd never be the same person as his absentee dad. He had promised himself he would never make the same choices and decisions and follow down that same path.

"I really messed up didn't I? I've been so weak. I lost myself; I lost sight of what I wanted and became someone I never wanted to become."

"No you didn't," Haley told him firmly. He had made mistakes but he was a wonderful father. "I've seen you with Izzy. You're doing right by your daughter and that's more than Dan Scott ever did."

"So what do I do now?" he asked with a shaking breath.

"You get Lindsey to admit she needs help," Haley stated. "She needs to be honest with herself and admit that she has a problem. And then maybe you need to start being more honest with yourself."

Lucas remained silent at the statement but nodded his head. "Thank you," he murmured.

-- --

Lindsey watched as Lucas entered their bedroom sometime later that morning. She pulled herself up in a seated position. She met his blue eyes and they seemed to darken with something she had only ever seen once before. She saw the reflections of a mixture of fear, irritation and shame. She quickly averted her eyes not wanting to see those things from her husband and knowing she was the cause of them.

They'd argued in the past. And Lindsey had seen and provoked so many reactions from him but never this one. Not even as she shouted and ranted at him. Now he looked so uncomfortable like he didn't know what to say or do anymore. Like the only feeling she could now invoke within him was shame.

Lucas inhaled deeply; he didn't want to fight with her anymore. He didn't want to see her suffering in this way. "I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore Linds," he told her simply.

Lindsey bit down hard on her lower lip, focusing on the anything other than his gaze. It wasn't angry; he didn't seem disappointed in her this time. When she had attempted suicide his look had been one of shock and disappointment. This time he seemed worried for her and he seemed so utterly lost.

"I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore," he repeated. His tone was gentle, genuine and full of concern. "You have a problem and I think you need to go back into rehab."

Lindsey didn't utter a word of reply she merely nodded as she finally admitted this was all too much.

"I can drive you if you want?" he suggested in a low whisper.

"Yeah ok," she didn't want this disease to consume her. She could beat it and wanted to do so.

"I'll make the call," Lucas said before disappearing into the study.

Lindsey threw back the covers and pulled herself wearily from the bed. Her eyes felt swollen and gritty in their sockets and her head throbbed painfully. She busied herself with packing her possessions as Lucas made the arrangements for her admission in the Rehabilitation Centre.

She stopped in the middle of her actions in front of the full length mirror and stared critically at the woman she had become. She didn't like who she saw staring back at her one bit. She felt uncomfortable and almost alien in her own skin. When she had been discharged from rehab the first time she had promised herself that she would never become this stranger again.

"Are you ready?" Lucas asked gently as he returned to their room and she shut her suitcase.

She drew a deep breath and attempted to push down shadows of doubt that now swept into her mind. She was admitting she had a problem and trying to recover and it was the scariest thing in the world. "As ready as I'll ever be."

They drove the dark and winding roads out of Tree Hill and Lindsey sat in silent contemplation. The journey passed slowly as she watched her husband's chiselled features as they were intermittently illuminated by the street lamps as the car churned forward.

"It's going to be ok," her husband said gently as he finally pulled up outside the rehab centre.

She nodded again as she wiped away the stray tears from her eyes and forced herself to look at him. "How did we get so lost Luke?"

Her broken voice struck him hard and Lucas was at a loss as to what to say. He wasn't truly sure he had the answer as to why their marriage had frayed and fractured and he wasn't sure he ever truly would. He knew he should have been more honest with himself and to Lindsey herself. He had tried to be what she had wanted; he had tried to be the husband he had promised to be for her.

"I don't know Linds. I don't know anymore."

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "It wasn't supposed to be this way."

"I know," Lucas agreed.

"How's Peyton doing? With the cancer I mean?" When she had seen Peyton back at the house she knew that the woman wasn't well. As much as Peyton may have been her rival she felt terrible for her.

The question caught him off guard and he turned to meet Lindsey gaze. "I don't know," he said as honestly as possible. He owed her an explanation after all she had taken Izzy into their family fold as well. "She won't talk to me about it."

"Then you need to make her," Lindsey advised decisively. She saw the shadows of worry clouding in her husband's crystal eyes. That very look gave the answer she needed from him.

"Goodbye Lucas Scott," she murmured as she struggled to admit her biggest addiction of all. She'd clung to Lucas for dear life and it could easily destroy her if she let it. She placed her wedding ring into the palm of his hand before she climbed out of the car.

Lucas looked down at the platinum band in his hand, "Lindsey?"

"I'm not the girl in the books. And I'm not the girl in your heart," she blinked back the bitterness of emotion. "And it's ok. Well it's not ok. It hurts but she needs you."

"Linds...." The passenger door clicked shut and Lucas watched as she walked away up the darkened path. He gripped the ring in his hand and let his eyes slip shut.

The buzzing of his cell phone stirred him from his onset of tears. He picked it up with a slight hesitation as he saw the caller's ID.

-- --

I used to believe in fairy tales; that if you believed hard enough true love would conquer all and banish the evils of the world. I used to believe in good and bad, in right and wrong and in black and white. When my mom died and for a long time after that everything seemed so dark. Like darkness swept into my life and cast a shadow and a doubt over everything I had ever known. That was until Lucas Scott.

Peyton walked barefoot along the glistening shores of the cool night's sky. The steady roar of the ocean calmed her otherwise rapid beating heart and she stared up at the twinkling stars on the black canvass.

"Peyton." His call above the crashing waves stirred her from her reverie and she looked into the face of the man she still held in her heart.

Lucas's arrival spread a chill up her spine and she drew her cardigan tight around her slim body. He still had the effect to pause that breath in her lungs and make her legs go weak.

"Hey," she had uttered with a smile but his dire expression soon made her falter.

"Brooke called me tonight," he told her matter of factly. "She's really worried about you. She's coming to Tree Hill." His eyes betrayed the fact that Brooke had most likely told him more than just that. That Brooke may have told him the truth that she couldn't bring herself to voice.

"Oh," she said quietly. She folded her arms tighter across her chest. "She told you?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lucas frown deepened. "She told me you were really sick. She told me that you hadn't been able to work in the last couple of months."

"Luke," she began but her fears stifled her. She hadn't wanted him to find out this way. She wasn't sure she ever wanted him to discover the truth of her condition.

"I need you to talk me Peyt." His beautiful fine features betrayed a look of terror that mirrored her own. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I need you to talk to me about the cancer."

"Luke...I," she stammered. She turned her head and stared at the depths of the churning waters. "I just can't ok. I can't."

"Why not? Why won't you let me in?" Her reluctance to place trust in him infuriated him at times. He'd been with her through the good and the bad. Isabelle tied them together for now and for always and yet she would still distance herself from him.

"Because it's too hard." Her tears gathered at the corners of her eyes and her strength ebbed away. She turned on her heel with every intention of running back to her motel room and catching the first plane back to LA. She wasn't strong enough for this. She couldn't let him watch her die. The reality of all she would soon be leaving behind was so much more prominent in the presence of both him and her daughter.

Lucas caught her by the arm and tried not to break because of how frail it seemed beneath his touch. "Oh Peyt."

The tears fell. His and hers and he pulled her close to him. He wanted to make her better. He held her against his chest and wished he could just heal her like he'd always been able to do before.

"You need to stop running from me." Lucas's voice was thick with emotion and Peyton swallowed hard. She buried her face in his shirt.

"Luke? Everything's going to be alright right?" she asked a while later after the crying had subsided and they sat together in the moon flicked sands. The southern twang in her voice was more noticeable in the silent ominous of the night's darkness and he couldn't help but smile.

In his mind they could almost be back in that hotel room at the Sparkle Classic all those years ago; her drunk and struggling to deal with her birth mother's death and denying to herself how she felt about him. He'd give anything to go back, to relive those lost years and erase his mistakes. And hers. He drew her closer to his chest. He prayed to any higher power that was listening that it would be ok. Doubt surged through him but he tried to deny it.

"Yeah it is," he said gently searching out her green emerald eyes in the surrounding darkness. "Everything's going to be ok."

She nestled in closer. "Liar," she whispered back but she loved him for trying.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note – I am really and truly sorry for the long wait on this story. My life has been far too hectic but I promise this story is not and well never be forgotten. Thank you to everyone for reading and for all the continued support. You guys are awesome! I hope this chapter makes up for the delay.

I also would like to thank Cristal for her work proofing this chapter; and Mel and Sarah for all of their input and brainstorming.

Enjoy!

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 12- Carry You Home**

_Time. Time is a constant, burning throughout our lives. The flickering flame of mortality that we hope and pray will never diminish. We know it inevitably will; we live our lives coming to terms with our own mortality. We live searching for answers to life, to love and to the purpose of our being._

_I don't know how I got here; to this place where my only gift and my only curse is time. I wait knowing my fate and hating every passing second as it brings me closer to the darkness that is to come. I wait knowing I may soon leave this world and I can only pray for a miracle. In my dark hours I cling to the comforts of what is safe and sacred. I embrace the memories that I can see so clearly but try as I might I can't hold onto them._

-- --

They had sat huddled together for hours on the sandy shores. Beneath a dark and twinkling night sky the rest of the world and all the complications could have just fallen away. Peyton rested her head against his chest listening to the steady beat, and feeling the warmth and the reassurances spilling from him. Lucas had been her rock in so many of her most difficult and scariest moments and now was no different.

She had wanted to leave once she realised he knew the truth of her condition. She had just wanted to run far away once he had told her that Brooke would soon be in Tree Hill. She knew she could no longer avoid her imminent future and the darkness it held. But now, as he embraced her so close, she didn't want to leave; she didn't _ever want to leave_.

"This is nice," she murmured letting the scent of his cologne tickle her nostrils. It was the same one she remembered him wearing all those years ago. She'd bought it for him; she remembered them trawling the mall together on one hazy summer day after high school graduation in the search of a scent that defined him as the sophisticated and the successful writer he longed to be. Those years had been the best years of her life. As she closed her eyelids and breathed him in; it could have been as if they had never left. The familiarity of him and their unbreakable connection left her hoping idly that if she could only wish hard enough their past mistakes could be erased.

"Yeah it is," Lucas agreed placing a kiss to the crown of her wind ruffled curls.

"I feel safe here. Our little town hasn't changed too much over the years has it?" It was the only thing in her life that hadn't. She'd often been so bored of her hometown and its lack of hustle and bustle. She didn't know any better. She'd wanted excitement and adventure and the thrill of the unknown. Now all she craved was normality and certainty.

"No not really," he admitted. Time had altered their lives and their direction dramatically and yet their surroundings remained very much the same. Lucas's brow creased a little as he felt the tension return to her body. He'd always been able to sense her shift in moods even without seeing her pretty features alter.

"A storm's coming," she said commenting on the sudden change in the wind's direction and pace. She looked to the bright colours etched against the clouds.

Her words served as a reminder that the beautiful and fragile life he held nestled against his heart could soon be taken from him.

"Come on, we should to get you home," he said gently. The darkened skies gave way to the morning; to the beginnings of pinks and oranges. He hadn't wanted to break the spell they'd fallen under all night, but as a new day began to break his thoughts turned to getting Peyton to rest and to his daughter who he had left in his mother's care.

_Home_. A smile tickled at Peyton's lips and she felt a warming sensation spread through her soul once again. He spoke the word almost carelessly and yet it meant so much to her; Lucas Scott would always be home to her.

Lucas pulled up onto his feet and stretched his aching legs that had cramped from sitting too long. He stifled a yawn before he looked down at her unmoving form. He offered his hand and helped her upright.

"I don't think I should," she said wearily. As tempting as staying in Lucas's presence was, she didn't want to cause any more friction between him and his wife.

"Why not? You don't want to see her? Come on, come spend some time with Izzy," he encouraged, offering the one thing he didn't ever believe she would want to pass up. He couldn't bear the thought of her getting back on a plane to L.A; he was still afraid she would do just that as soon as Brooke arrived.

"What about Lindsey?" she asked then. She pulled the cardigan tightly around her body, against the cool ocean's breeze and against the acknowledgement of her rival being the one thing that would prevent her from seeing her little girl.

"Lindsey and I are...She..." he stopped himself from speaking the words. This conversation was all too familiar; the cutting sense of déjà vu hit him and he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.

"Oh Luke," she watched as his expression contorted with guilt. She wondered if it was because of her return. But then she knew better than to simply blame herself. She shivered involuntarily; "is she back in rehab?"

"Yeah I took her last night," Luke informed her. They'd been here before. The three of them dancing the same dance while battling with the same thoughts, fears and emotions.

"I'm really sorry," she murmured but Lucas shrugged off her attempted apology.

"I know you are," he took her hand in his own. "Please just come home Peyt." She was exhausted, the darkened shadows beneath her eyes betrayed that much. He now knew how sick she was and he just wanted to be there for her. Just like he had always been when she needed him; just like she had been there when he needed her.

In their darkest hours they would always be one another's source of comfort.

_x-x-x_

_Lucas sat in the smoky bar barely hearing the jazz music being played in the back ground. He was no longer aware of the pretty young people dancing and drinking behind him. Right now the rest of the world seemed so distant from his troubled mind._

_Everything was falling apart. That was the thought that engulfed him as he lifted the shot glass to his mouth and drained the tequila in one single numbing gulp. He bit back against the bitter tang and his vision clouded once again and his brain dizzied its way into nothingness._

"_Keep em coming," he slurred to the bar tender who wore an expression of disdain._

"_I think you've had enough sir," the man replied critically. "Maybe I should call you a cab."_

_Lucas shook his head and pushed another couple of crumpled notes onto the sticky surface of the bar. "My wife left me. I have nothing. So just keep em coming," he offered lowly. He could still feel the hurt and the shame; he had barely had enough. _

_The stocky man reluctantly poured him another shot and Lucas pulled it into his grasp. He drained down the harsh cold liquid and relished in the peace that soon followed. His body slumped on the high stool he sat upon, in the fresh new club that was the place to be seen. _

_The modern, trendy establishment offered the best and most recent music on the scene and all the young, hopeful people would venture in. They would come to forget their days at work and take in a breath of faith. But he hadn't come here for that. In truth he had come because Mia Catalano was playing here tonight. Mia was the young rising star Peyton had discovered over in sunny California; Lucas remembered reading an article in Rolling Stone magazine. Lucas had come here tonight hoping to run into Peyton. _

_He closed his heavy tear-stung eyes as he felt the blissful empty feeling take him. He didn't even notice her approach from backstage. Didn't even notice the comfort he had come to L.A to seek out._

"_Lucas?" Peyton let his name pass her lips as she approached the bar. She placed a hand on his shoulder and shook gently. He didn't move. He lulled against the wooden counter groaning at the intrusion._

"_Luke?" she called more forcefully and he stirred up from his drunken stupor. He knew that voice and even now it stirred so many emotions within him._

"_Hmm?" Lucas lifted his head from its cradle against the hard surface and regarded her through glazed eyes. Her nose crinkled in response to the rancid smell of drink._

"_Ok," Peyton said admitting defeat. She would get no sense from him at the moment. She took hold of his arm pulling it around her shoulder before heaving him up from the stool. "You can stay with me tonight." He was certainly in no condition to venture anywhere on his own and they both knew it._

_They walked unsteadily from the club and along the sidewalk as Peyton supported Lucas's slumping weight. She was thankful for the fact the walk lasted only a few minutes before she reached the sanctuary of her own apartment._

"_Lindsey left me," Lucas proclaimed, though his speech was impeded by alcohol. She juggled with the task of trying to keep him upright and unlocking the front door._

_A frown creased its way across Peyton's forehead as she took in his unkempt appearance in the well lit lounge area. He hadn't shaved in a few days and his eyes were dull. It hurt and disturbed her to see him like this. Ever since he had announced his wedding to Lindsey Peyton's only commiseration was that at least he was happy. She wanted him to be happy and have a great life. But this Lucas didn't seem happy, he just seemed lost._

"_I'm sorry Luke," she uttered gently. "Let's get you into bed. We can talk about this in the morning." _

_Peyton led him into her room and he dropped down on the bed. "Everything fell apart Peyt," he grumbled as she struggled with the task of taking off his jacket and shoes. _

"_Shh, just try and get some sleep." She got him to lie back against the mattress and she worked to pull the covers over his body. Her beautiful boy was in pain and she didn't know what else to do. _

"_How did I become this guy? It wasn't supposed to be this way." He looked at her with crystal blue eyes one last time before he finally gave into alcohol and the effect of sleep._

_With Lucas at peace Peyton drew the red satin comforter up to his chin. She sat beside him as she studied his profile. "Oh Lucas," she muttered softly brushing his sandy locks from his forehead and then she pressed a kiss to his sleeping brow "I'm so sorry. I never wanted this for you." She pulled herself to her feet and crept towards the door._

"_Peyt," the sound of his raspy voice stopped her. She turned her head in his direction. "I love you."_

_The three words caused a rush of emotion within her. She stood speechless, bracing her body against the door frame as her knees weakened as they always did when he said those three little words to her. She was left wondering if she had really heard what she thought she'd heard. _

_With a groan Lucas buried his head in the pillows and Peyton moved clumsily from the room. She sank down onto her couch and just stared into the darkness of the night. She sat for hours feeling numb and trying to decide if he really meant what he was saying or if he was hurting because of Lindsey and reaching out in his confusion._

_-- --_

_The next morning she pretended as though it had never happened. She pretended, at least to him, that he had never spoken those words. She didn't let him know that those three words had kept her awake all night wondering if he still secretly wanted a life with her. She wondered if he wished for the life she craved. Their life; the one they had dreamed and hoped for all those years ago._

_She spent each and every day denying to her heart that she wasn't still completely in love with Lucas Scott. She would try to convince every fibre of her being that she didn't still want her time to be spent with him. _

_Finally with a cup of strong black coffee in hand she worked up the courage to face him. She moved past his rousing form and pulled the drapes open to let the sun's rays spill over him._

"_God Peyt," he grunted. He held onto his throbbing brow as he pulled himself into a seated position._

"_Good morning to you too," she threw back at him. She sat beside him extending the dark aromatic liquid to him which he gratefully took from her. "How's your head?"_

"_Terrible," Lucas complained as he reached up to touch his tender skull._

"_The coffee will help," she said lightly before handing him a bottle of painkillers. "And take two of these."_

_Lucas took the little white container and curled his hands around it. His fingers fumbled at the lid and in uttered a low groan of frustration at his failure over such a simple task. _

"_Here, let me," she retrieved the pills before offering him the two tiny white caplets. He swallowed them gratefully with a gulp of the hot and bitter beverage._

"_What happened Lucas?" she ventured as gently as possible. "You said Lindsey left you?" _

"_I wish I knew," Lucas uttered darkly. "My wife isn't who I thought she was..." He hadn't been able to fathom Lindsey's actions or her decisions over the past months. Their marriage had frayed. His wife's inability to have a child had taken its toll on both of them. He had tried to do everything he could to support her but she wouldn't let him. He knew Lindsey needed time to heal. But the secrets Lindsey had kept from him; her drinking, her suicide attempt. And then her sudden need to push him so far away. _

"_I'm sorry...." his voice dissipated into the air._

"_Are you ok Luke?" she asked then only concerned for him. He seemed so devastated and haunted. It really unsettled her. This wasn't the Lucas she remembered, not even close._

_Lucas just shook his head. "I don't really know anymore. I couldn't stay in Tree Hill. I couldn't stay in our house, surrounded by everything that we shared and do nothing. I came here to just get away from everything. But I'm sorry to just show up here."_

"_Hey Luke, don't be," she chimed in. She placed a hand on his forcing him to meet her eyes. "I'm always here for you. Always."_

_He gave her the first smile she had seen from him since he'd arrived. It was small but it was still undoubtedly there. "Can I stay here for a while?"_

"_Yeah of course you can," Peyton replied instantly. She drew him in for a reassuring hug. "Stay as long as you need."_

_x-x-x_

It had been a great day. She couldn't remember having a day that left her feeling more elated or more complete. As soon as she'd arrived at Lucas's house, Karen had embraced her in an all so motherly way. Karen had made her breakfast and things had seemed almost normal; almost the way it should have always been. Peyton had soon forgotten all about her body's craving for sleep as she held Isabelle in her arms. The little one year old girl healed her in so many ways as she looked up at her with her own matching green orbs.

Heavy and unseasonal rains pelted the windows and the winds danced through the air at an incredible force. Peyton hated the storms; when she was a child they gave her so many sleepless nights as her mind fretted over her father's well-being while he was out at sea. But now as she sat curled up by the fire with Isabelle playing with her toys beside her, Peyton couldn't have felt happier.

Her daughter was already so smart and logical; Peyton watched with pride and adoration as little Isabelle placed the large and differently shaped blocks in the correct spaces on the puzzle board. Peyton would prompt Isabelle with the green triangle or the red square before the infant would take the block between her cute chubby fingers and place it in the right spot.

Lucas had supplied them with hot chocolate topped with copious amounts of whipped cream and marshmallows. They'd spent the day laughing in the cosy lounge.

"She was out like a light. She's exhausted," Lucas said as he arrived back to the lounge after putting Isabelle down for the night. He sank back down onto his spot on the couch throwing Peyton a warm smile knowing how rewarding the time together was for both of the girls. "She had a good day."

"Me too," Peyton returned his grin. "She's really amazing."

"Well you're amazing with her. She adores you."

"I adore her too." Peyton rested her head against the back of the couch. With her legs curled beneath her, covered by a thick woollen blanket and Lucas by her side things could almost be perfect, simple. She sat watching the embers of the fire crackle as the rain continued to fall relentlessly.

His voice soon penetrated the comfortable silence. He was tentative as he spoke but he needed to discuss so much with her. "So I don't want to spoil things but can we talk?"

"About what?" she was evasive and instantly afraid of the subject she knew was looming.

"The cancer?" Lucas chanced the question burning upon his lips. He didn't want to dispel the magic of the day but he knew they had to talk about it sometime. After he had hung up with Brooke he had wanted to talk about it; he had wanted to instill some fight and some hope into the fearless girl he held dearly in his memory.

Peyton averted her eyes. She stared into the empty mug, at the remnants of cream and hot chocolate. "There's not much to say." Her emotions tangled up in her throat reminding her how much she didn't want to have this conversation.

"There is," he edged closer to her. He just studied her expression as she remained silent and avoided eye contact with him. There was everything to say; too much had been left unsaid between them already.

"Brooke said you refused to see a specialist," he enquired then. "Why?"

Peyton shook her head. There had been so many specialists and expert doctors with new and supposedly revolutionary treatments. She'd spent more time suffering in hospitals, enduring painful procedures and hoping that this time they would work, whilst lying in a bed and wishing she could just live her life however long she had left.

"Come on Peyt," he pleaded. She'd always been able to open up to him and it broke him that she now felt she couldn't. "Talk to me. Why wouldn't you try everything to get better?"

She pressed her eyes tightly together as he continued to push her.

"I need you to talk to me; help me understand why you would want to give up." He was trying really hard not to lose patience with her. He knew she'd gone through far too much than anyone should in one devastating year.

"How dare you? I didn't give up," she bit back at his wounding statement. "I tried and I tried. I got sicker and sicker while the doctors tried all their drugs and their surgeries."

He should have been there, that was the only thought to enter his mind as she spoke.

"It just....." she broke the tense quiet. She had grown to despise the silence that reigned whenever she talked about her illness "It was horrible and I just couldn't do it anymore."

"I'm sorry," he almost wished he could reel back in his words. She had suffered so much and he hadn't been able to let the issue rest.

"The doctors tried and it didn't seem to work. I got tired of being sick and in the hospitals." Her expression was shadowed with sorrow and hurt. "I wasn't even me anymore...."

"I'm sorry," he repeated his tone swallowed by his own self-reproach.

Peyton held back the tears; she so desperately wanted to go back to those moments earlier when the cancer had been such a distant thought. She wanted to just be holding her daughter.

"I don't want you to be alone if...." his voice trailed off. He couldn't bring himself to say those words or to ever begin to think of living with that outcome. Peyton Sawyer was the constant flame in his life whether they were together or apart. Peyton Sawyer was the girl he always saw when he closed his eyes.

"Lucas," Peyton exclaimed. She really didn't want to be having this conversation. It hurt enough talking about what might happen with Brooke; the girls would curl up in front of the roaring fire with ice cream and reminisce about the "happier times" and it would inevitably lead to their questioning of _her_ future. She and the perky brunette would cry together before Brooke would brush back the tears and Peyton would promise her it'd be alright.

"I don't want you to end up alone like your mother," he warned her before about not repeating Ellie's ill fated choices and mistakes. That was not the darkened path he wanted for her.

Peyton's green eyes sparkled with the tears she could no longer repress. Lucas reached for her knowing he had maybe pushed her too far. She brushed off his gesture not wanting to be pitied or weak in his eyes. She pulled her weary frame up from the couch.

"She needs you Peyt." Lucas made the statement feeling that it might be the only thing to stop her from running again. He needed to make her listen before she admitted defeat. Peyton stopped in her hasty tracks and turned back to face him.

"She needs her mother," he told her honestly. "If you won't fight for yourself then fight for her."

Peyton sank back down on the couch and closed her eyes tightly. She couldn't meet his eyes as she confessed the truth and voiced their fears of what could happen. They both knew Isabelle could grow up never knowing her mother. They both agonised and worried over that possible fate. They could not control it, no matter how much they wished they could.

"You don't think I want to? Every day Luke...I wish I could every day. I think about her every single day," she choked on the admission whilst her tears came thick and fast. "And I want to see her grow up more than anything..... I want to see her grow up and become an independent, brooding writer, or a rebellious and secretive teenager. Hell I would even be happy if she was a perky cheerleader. I want to teach her how to draw. I want her to come and ask me all those uncomfortable questions that every parent dreads.

"But most of all I want to see her fall in love. I want to see her grow up and find the man that really sees her."

Tears obscured his vision; he could barely manage to hear her talk like that. He blinked them back; he needed to be strong for her.

"Peyton," he began uneasily. He reached for her and his fears swarmed as he gazed at her. She didn't look well. The argument had clearly taken its toll on her, the colour had drained from her face and her breathing was now shallow and unsteady.

"I should go lie down," she told him. She took a step toward the door before he caught her arm in his grasp.

"Let me help you," any remaining trace of frustration disappeared from his features to be replaced by worry and concern.

"No don't." She recoiled from his touch. Now was not the time to be proud but she couldn't bear to see the pitying look he wore. She couldn't tolerate that look; from him of all people. He reminded her she wasn't strong enough anymore.

"Peyt," her dizzied step away had him reaching out to support her once again.

"Please Luke," she cried out in desperation. "I can do it. Just stop it please."

"Ok," he held up his hands as he reluctantly surrendered. Protecting her was inherently in his nature and he could hardly bring himself to watch her stumbling steps.

"I'm ok," she reassured as best she could. "I'm just tired. I'll see you in the morning."

Lucas merely nodded as he sank back down into the empty seat behind him and she disappeared from the room. He'd pushed too far, he admitted to himself as he stared out at the unrelenting heavy downpour as it continued to stain the windows. He'd pushed her hard because he didn't want to lose her again.

Peyton was his first love, and try as he might, everything came back to her.

-- --

_Sometimes in our darkest hours we find ourselves alone with only a series of memories as the sole offering of something better and the faint promise that we can be happy again; to give us hope again. These memories can come to us as a glittering echo of comfort and serve as a reminder of a better time and place. A place we so desperately want to return to. I wish I could go back, back to the place where I felt whole. I cling to the shards of a broken dream, to a long lost perfection._

_x-x-x_

_Lucas had spent the last few weeks cooped up in Peyton's apartment in L.A, as he tried to forget how much of a mess his life was in. The first days had consisted with him sleeping in until late afternoon on his ex girlfriends couch, and then he'd sit in front of the TV with beer and take out. He tried to drown the pain in sleep and food. Peyton had been the only one to keep him sane in his bleak, dismal world. She had been the light he held on to; she had listened as he gradually let her in on the details of his marital break down. She had offered advice at times and a shoulder to cry on. Slowly things hadn't looked so hopeless and he had begun to regain his optimism that one day things would be good again._

_He guessed just being back with Peyton gave him a sense of normality. It had always been easy with her; he felt guilty in admitting that to himself. He felt that even the idea alone betrayed Lindsey. However he couldn't disagree with the fact that he and Peyton just came together and she made him feel safe and less troubled._

_Peyton would get up early in the mornings with an air of reluctance as she had done in their teenage years. She'd enter the lounge dressed in her band tee and shorts with bed dishevelled curls and a grumpy demeanour. He'd make her coffee and breakfast before she left for work. He'd then spend the days reading in the sun or working on a new novel that itched to be written._

_Tonight the two of them sat on the balcony on a warm July night. The heat and the hue of summer dominated the air. They drank Long Island iced tea as they chattered and laughed as the world bustled on below._

"_So," Lucas began his head a little fuzzy from the cocktail. "Are you seeing Mr Julian Baker again?"_

_The night before had been difficult for him in ways he hadn't foreseen. He had come to realise Peyton was attempting to complete her life. He'd seen how happy Peyton was here on the west coast. He'd met her new circle of friends. He'd visited her office and knew her name and job title were nailed to her door on the gold plate. She was living her dream far away from their little town and she loved it. He could accept that. _

_What he couldn't deal with however was that Peyton was dating. It had overwhelmed him just how jealous he had become. He had waited up for her feeling like an over bearing father. He'd narrowed his eyes and had to bite back his words of objection as the tall dark man pulled her close for the good night kiss. Lucas hated how Peyton's new boyfriend's eyes had wandered over her beautiful body with darkened hints of what he'd like to do if Lucas wasn't there._

_Peyton tried to stifle a giggle at his shameful attempt at being casual. "Yeah next week," she sipped the sweet tangy liquid and watched his expression over the rim of her glass._

"_I don't like him," he replied offhandedly._

"_Luke," she exclaimed._

"_Come on Peyt, he's arrogant. He's an ass."_

"_He's conceited in a charming way," Peyton defended the movie producer. In truth she had become attracted to Julian Baker because he reminded her somewhat of Lucas. The similar build, the soulful eyes, the passion for his art and career. Julian could be ruthless but it had got him to the place where he had striven to be. He was young and hugely successful. She respected that._

"_No he's an ass," Lucas repeated his distaste remembering that smug grin and the way that Julian had held her waist almost possessively._

"_He's really not so bad when you get to know him," she reasoned. She had felt very similar when she had first met him but he had soon charmed her. Julian showed a different and gentler side when she was with him._

_Lucas held the retort that tingled on his lips. He would always be protective of her; he couldn't help but worry that she might get hurt. He told himself that's all it was, he told his head that his immense dislike of Julian had nothing to do with his own jealousies that someone else might make her feel joyful and free. That someone else might someday be the reason for her beaming smile. _

"_He's not good enough for you."_

_Tears stung at her eyes as any dizzying effects from the heat and alcohol quickly disappeared. The remark cut through her and she didn't know what to make of it. She was trying to move on but sometimes he really didn't make it easy._

"_I'm sorry," he murmured. He reached to touch her arm. "It's not my place. I just care about you."_

"_Let's just drop it ok," she said eager to move from this awkward subject. "How about some coffee?"_

"_Sure," Lucas replied. Coffee seemed like a good idea since the conversation had spiralled to such uncomfortable territory._

_Peyton disappeared into the kitchen. She busied herself with putting the coffee into the filter and listened to the hiss as it began to brew. She opened the fridge and scoured its contents. She couldn't help but smile at just how wary Lucas had been over Julian the evening before. She bit her lip as she felt her cheeks flush. She knew she was being silly. Lucas was married and everything was different between them. And yet when they were alone she felt as though she was seventeen again; hopelessly in love and both terrified and exhilarated by the burning sensation in the pit of her stomach._

_She mentally shook off herself and retrieved a half full bottle of cream from the top shelf. Once the coffee was done she filled two mugs adding cream and sugar to his before moving quietly. He was in the lounge. As she saw what he was holding her heart leapt up into her throat._

"_I didn't know you still wore this," Lucas's fingers curled around the gold heart locket and he lifted it from its place on the dresser. He caught Peyton's blush and he couldn't help but smile. He held the symbol of an idyllic teenage dream._

_She set the coffee mugs down on the surface before bringing her arms around her body. "Yeah I wear it," she attempted to brush of some of the awkwardness between them. She didn't tell him that she wore it practically every day or that she'd sometimes go to sleep holding it when she missed him too much. "It makes me think of home; of you, Brooke, Haley and Nathan. Sometimes it's nice to remember being a kid again."_

"_Things were simpler back then," he agreed. He couldn't help but feel bad about being resentful when other men dated her. He wasn't supposed to still want her the way he did._

"_I wish..." the words faded from her lips; the sadness glimmering between them in the dim light of her apartment._

_Lucas's thumb traced over the engraving; "True Love Always". He wished he could go back to the simplicity of that treasured moment on the beach. If he could he didn't think he'd have let her get on the plane to L.A. If he could go back he'd never have let her go._

"_You wish what?" his voice was laced with yearning. Lucas moved to close the narrow space between them before catching her up into his arms._

"_I just miss you," she found herself admitting as his brilliant crystal orbs locked into her gaze. "I don't want to but I do and it's just hard."_

"_Peyt," Lucas cupped her face with the palm of his hand and she instinctively leaned into his touch. The whole time they had been apart that connection had still been there. Buried and suppressed maybe but still undoubtedly there. It had never gone away. They didn't have to be in the same small and familiar town for their love to flourish. This was just the way it was supposed to be; him and his feisty, fiery Peyton._

_He found himself lost in the moment and bent to kiss her. His actions began gentle and tentative afraid at what their denied passion would bring. Peyton's arms wrapped around his neck and she deepened the kiss whilst his hands moved to the curls he loved. The whole time they had been apart he had tried to pretend their flames of devotion didn't exist. He was married and he should love and want only his wife. _

_Lucas felt the soft warmth of her lips against his and he felt something reawaken within him that he hadn't felt in so long. This was wrong and he knew it. But he couldn't lie that since he had left Tree Hill knowing that Lindsey wanted a divorce; the only person he had wanted to see was Peyton. The only person who could truly understand him and look into his soul and make it all disappear was Peyton Sawyer._

"_We can't," she said breaking from the kiss, her voice shaky and uneven. They couldn't do this to Lindsey. She couldn't do this to him knowing what he was undoubtedly going through. She couldn't do it to herself knowing full well of the burning feelings she harboured for him. She had tried to forget him; she had. She had dated; she may have even fallen in love once or twice along the way. Though no one had ever come close Lucas Scott._

"_Peyt, I," he stammered as he caught her eyes. He knew instinctively that she was looking to break their clinch and stop him from making a "mistake". She was looking to spare him from the pain of acting upon his hurt and his pride. Only she would never be a mistake; in fact, she was in coming up for air in a sea of desperation._

"_Shh, it's ok. It's ok we just got carried away," she whispered as she futility tried to hide her own passions and disappointments. She had given him up to Lindsey on the day of their wedding when she had sat and observed and tried so hopelessly not to die inside. He loved Lindsey; her head told her that and she bit down hard on her lip and tried not to cry._

_Lucas cupped her cheek in his hand. He knew that look all too well. She'd promised to sacrifice her own happiness so he could be happy and live the life he wanted with his wife. Her selflessness only made him love her more. He loved her so much that it hurt. He shouldn't. He knew that much but he couldn't stop._

"_Don't you know how much I love you," he felt his throat constrict with emotion and watched the single tear run down her cheek._

"_Luke," Peyton moved to rest her forehead against his own. That was not the statement she had expected to come out of his mouth. She brought her hand back to his jaw tracing her fingers over those familiar lines. Her head told her they shouldn't be doing this; it'd hurt so much if she lost him again. But there she was, a girl standing in front of her lost love with a chance to feel whole again, even if it was for just one night._

_He lifted her chin so she met his eyes once again. "Peyton, I..." _

_Peyton smiled sweetly, "Me too. So much." She just stared into those very blue eyes as she remembered their very first kiss. It was transcendent; making her feel so many things all at once, despite the fact that it was observed by her high school peers. _

_Suddenly after every desire stirred within her core; she moved towards him again. Her body melted against him as need and want governed over her every thought and action. She cradled his beautiful face between her palms and pressed her lips to his own. The kiss began as pure and as innocent as a kiss could be. _

_Lucas responded just as eagerly. He kissed her with such longing, bringing her as close to his torso as he possibly could. He needed her and she needed him. This wasn't supposed to happen but in those moments it felt right._

_They continued their motions with reckless abandonment. Their lips met feverishly as hands roamed blindly; catching hair and travelling along familiar lines and curves. They knew each other all too well and could invoke the strongest feelings and sensation within each other._

_Her hands stroked across his back, his mouth found that tender spot at her neck leaving her feeling powerless in his arms. His hands where everywhere and they were just as demanding as his kisses were. She brought her leg up to his waist and his hand stroked along the silky smooth limb that had always captured his every desire. _

_Lucas was always the most caring and attentive lover; that was what she remembered. He had always been mindful in taking his time with her and pleasuring her. The simplest of touches and soft light kisses had awakened her. Tonight however he was different. He would be her sweet boy until the end of time, but she suspected he was now acting up urgent and ravenous urges just as she was. Both had ached and yearned for this, and now as they were presented with this gift desire overtook them._

_Peyton couldn't speak as Lucas's fingers slid behind her back to reach for her zipper. She heard the tell telling of the rustling zip before he peeled her dress from her shoulders. His eyes clouded with lust as he finally saw her._

_She'd didn't dare say a word as he continued to undress her, her head would talk her out of what she had craved for. She touched her fingers to his heart, __**"I want everything with you." **__The words spoken between naive teenagers still reigned true. She began to unbutton his midnight blue shirt with nervous hands. She pressed hot kisses to his chest._

_Lucas was soon sweeping her up and into his arms. He carried her through into her bedroom lying her down against the crisp red sheets. Her tousled hair flowed out as a golden sea across the pillows and her expression shone with adoration for him. He paused for a moment; gazing down at the one woman who made him feel more alive than he ever thought possible. He moved down to the bed and she drew in close. They kissed feverishly, touches and strokes blending with the crashing waves of passion._

"_I need you," he said hoarsely and she shyly and silently adhered to his request. His movements were tentative and gentle allowing for her to adjust. She gripped onto his strong and lean arms as a whole new sensation overtook. She loved this feeling; she missed this. He had always made her feel whole._

_She tilted back her head as he pressed his heated kisses to her throat. She let her eyes flutter lightly shut as she ran her fingers through his short sandy locks. His quickening rocking motions soon led to her faint whimpers._

_Their concealed desires meant that they didn't last long enough. Lucas felt that tightening sensation in the pit of his stomach and sensing she was close too he took her small hand in his, lacing their fingers together._

_Peyton let her eyes rest half closed as she reached her peak. Her hand gripped his tighter as she voiced her strangled cries of delight. She was enough to tip him over the edge and he lowered his body against hers. He buried his face against her blonde curls as he let out his own breathy moans. _

"_I love you," she whispered. _

_Lucas collapsed against the dishevelled scarlet covers exhausted and allowing his rapid heartbeat to slow to its rhythmic pace. He pulled her close against his chest and placed a kiss to her temple. He and his wily girl were the most perfect and seamless of fits._

_-- --_

_Peyton curled her body against him as he lay lost to sleep. She couldn't give into unconsciousness as she rested her head against his heart and listened to him breathe. A stray tear trailed down her cheek and before she knew it he was shifting awake and stroking his hand up and down her arm._

"_Hey," his voice was husky from sleep._

"_Hey," she reached up for his cheek before pressing a kiss to his lips._

_The heavy summer night's rain rapping against the glass meant that the heat spell was over. Lucas listened to the storm as the rest of the world remained cloaked in silence. His eyes moved from the falling raindrops and trailed to her messy blonde curls and button nose. Then he noticed the little frown that etched across her forehead._

"_You seem sad," he said lightly brushing back the stray locks from her face._

"_No," she replied honestly. She didn't know if she should be sad; this could be Lucas's way of dealing with the hurt of his wife leaving him. Or he may view their night together as a mistake and return to Lindsey as though they had never come together. She didn't know whether she should feel guilty and ashamed for sleeping with another woman's husband. "I'm not. I'm not sad it's just..."_

"_You regret it?" he asked the question leadingly. They should regret it; they should regret what they had done. Haley had reminded him on many occasions that they were no longer in high school and that he had Lindsey to think about. He had Peyton to think about. He had acted blindly and now he had to deal with the consequences._

"_I don't regret it." She couldn't and she wouldn't. It had been perfect; being with him again and sharing that moment in time with him all over again had been just perfect. "Things are just complicated now that's all."_

"_Things always are with us," he murmured and she nodded._

_x-x-x_

Peyton slept fitfully after her and Lucas's exchange of words. She lay in her room next to Isabelle's and just stared up at the ceiling. She hugged the covers to her body trying to find some sort of comfort. She brushed the hot harsh tears from her eyes. She was sleeping under the same roof with the two people who were always the ones that drove on her, down her bleak and terrifying road. They were the ones that had kept her hopeful when receiving treatment. Lucas and Isabelle meant everything to her. And yet whenever she was here them part of her still just wanted to run.

As she heard the little infant's murmurs from next door the young mother instantly threw back the sheets and made her way into the nursery. Her tiny girl lay looking up at her with her short little blonde curls illuminated by the night light. Isabelle held back her cry as Peyton bent over the crib and whispered words of comfort.

"Hey baby girl," she hushed as she retrieved her baby from her bed. Isabelle still overwhelmed her as much as she had done when Peyton had first held her. "You hungry?" Peyton had listened keenly as Lucas described each one of their child's cries. Satisfied that her girl wanted a feed the blonde moved along the corridor and into the kitchen. She retrieved a bottle from the refrigerator and sat them both at the pine breakfast table.

Peyton watched silently as Isabelle drank; her delicate lashes resting together. Everyone had always said that the little girl would grow to be her double but as Peyton studied the child she saw Lucas's own features shining through. The shape of her eyes, the little furrow lines on her brow. Peyton released a tiny cry at the mental image of Isabelle Sawyer Scott with a broody expression.

"I've missed you so much," Peyton whispered to the content baby nestled in her arms. "I thought I was doing what was best for you."

Once the bottle was empty, Peyton carried her now peaceful girl back to the nursery and settled them both into Karen's rocking chair. She sat there mesmerised as Isabelle's little eyelids fluttered shut.

"Hey," Lucas's voice stirred her toward his direction; he stood propped in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," Peyton uttered apologetically. "I didn't want her to wake you. I just...."

Lucas smiled softly as their girl seemed more than comfortable in her mother's arms. "It's ok. Sometimes when she cries at night I think she just wants her mom."

Peyton nodded silently as all those missed moments and opportunities stung at her heart.

"Are you alright?" he asked looking into the emerald eyes he adored. He hadn't been able to rest after Peyton had retired up into her room tired and shaking. Lucas had checked on her as vigilantly as he checked on Isabelle.

"I'm fine," she assured him as best she could. "The doctors say I just shouldn't get worked up or upset. But I'm fine really."

"I'm sorry about earlier," Lucas said as gently as possible as he brought the conversation back to that painful subject. He hadn't been able to shut off the guilt that swarmed through his every thought.

"Forget it." She watched Isabelle's golden lashes flutter as she dreamed. "I just get scared."

"I'd be scared too," he said lightly. He was scared enough for her, without living with the illness himself.

"Being here really scares me." It was like she had come to Tree Hill to say goodbye to all she had known and loved. But she wasn't ready to say goodbye.

"I know." It was easier for her to hide and deny her wants; he knew her well enough to know that. "But we can help you. You just have to let us."

Peyton gave a small nod of acknowledgement. He was right.

"You know she's going to grow up to be wily and difficult," Lucas told her as the two watched over a sleeping Isabelle. He'd seen his daughter's future traits already gleaming through her big green eyes. Isabelle was smart and strenuous in her one short year; her personality and independence was already apparent and Lucas adored her. "She's her mother's girl. She's all you Peyt."

Peyton traced the soft and tightly clenched fist her baby girl left poking from the swaths of pink blankets. She let the stray tears spill down her cheeks before whipping them away in determination. She wanted to fight; her prognosis had never been good. The treatments had been almost worse than the cancer itself. But she owed it to her daughter to try one last time.

"I want to try," she spoke quietly as she stared down at her daughter's crown of short blonde curls. "I want to try for her."

Lucas crouched down beside the two most precious girls in his life. "Are you sure?" he asked with all the hope in the world.

"Yeah. I have to try for her. I want to live to really know her." Peyton reached out her hand and he took it in his own. "But I need you."

"I'm not going anywhere." He kissed Peyton's knuckles before drawing her into his hold, letting her rest her head against his shoulder. He'd made too many mistakes in recent years but he wouldn't make anymore. "I promise you."

-- --

_Hope. Hope can come from the whisper of a prayer, from the smile of a child or the comforting words spoken by a loved one. Hope can be the sole force guiding us in the most frightening of times. _

_All I have now is the hope that time may be good to me. That maybe if I try enough and hope enough I can get through this...._


	14. Chapter 14

Hey guys, sorry for a long wait on this update. A lot has been going on for me and I didn't want to post this until I was really happy with it. It's the longest chapter I've ever written, but my chapters have been getting longer lately. I need to say a special thanks to Sarah and Mel for their input on this chapter.  
Thanks to everyone for their wonderful feedback and to everyone who has stuck with me through this story. I hope that it is worth the wait. Enjoy!

* * *

**You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory**

**Chapter 13 – Hopes and Fears**

_In my years, my little angel, I have come to realise that nothing in this world is certain. Life can offer so much heartbreak and so much pain. I know this, my life started out hard and painful, and sometimes I just wanted to give up and shut away from the rest of the world. Bad things do happen and it can all seem so senseless. It's just one of those things, but life can be so wonderful. It really can, so no matter what happens to me, I want you to know how much I love you and I want you to know how lucky you are. Your daddy is a wonderful man._

_When your father came along I was kind of lost and scared. Your daddy soon became everything to me. He made my world snap back into focus and made me want to live again. He was my first and only love, and one day you will learn that you never forget your first love._

_I didn't believe in fate or destiny until I met him. I only believed in my own choices determining my path. My blue-eyed boy made me see the world in a different light. He made me think that maybe there is a higher power guiding us and that maybe love can conquer all._

_My destiny may be already laid out for me; my path maybe set and predetermined. My love for your daddy sure seemed to turn out that way; like we were meant to be and like he was the part of me that's missing. I might not be able to beat my cancer but I'm going to try. I hear of medical miracles every day, of people defying the odds to be with the ones they love. I hope that their is a miracle left for us._

The night Peyton decided to fight again had filled her with a long lost hope that she hadn't felt in a long time. She had believed she'd forgotten what it was like to grasp onto the weightlessness of a hopeful and fragile wish. A chance to be whole and happy again that had once seemed so unobtainable but now burned inside like the flames of life.

Lucas had stayed with her in the nursery. They'd talked long into the night. All the difficulties and fears were somewhat pushed aside as they reminisced about the past and Peyton began to look into the future she'd never really allowed herself to imagine. A future with the two people still sleeping in the nursery was all she could ever want or wish for.

She awoke the next morning to the sun streaming through the pink blinds and she found herself lying across the couch beside Isabelle's crib. Lucas lay beside her, snoring deeply and she smiled. He was still holding on to her; he held her close to his own body. Being nestled in so close to Lucas she wanted to stay this way until he woke up. It was perhaps not the most advisable thing to do as Peyton woke up early the next morning with a crick in her neck and a feeling of nausea in her belly.

As her stomach churned angrily, she let out a soft sigh. She really didn't feel too well. She shifted carefully from Lucas's unconscious form, she didn't want to wake him.

After peeking over the crib's railings and seeing her daughter was still lost and content in her own dreamland, with her little hands clenched at either side of her golden curls, Peyton crept quietly into the still dark hall and made her way to the bathroom.

She padded inside the room, her feet welcoming the tiled floor as it sent tingles of coolness up her body that burned with the onset of a fever. She peered at herself in the mirror. She bit her lip involuntarily and stared at her reflection. She looked awful; she brought her fingers gingerly to the dark shadows beneath her eyes. She was pale and thinner than even she remembered. The last few days since she had fled L.A to come to visit Isabelle had been physically and emotionally draining for her and it showed.

The heated sensation of pins and needles creeping up the back of her neck had Peyton bolt quickly from the faucet. She collapsed down in front of the white porcelain toilet, breathing heavily as the bile rose up from her throat. She retched, her breathing heavy as she held herself weakly above the seat.

After her stomach had settled itself she sat on the tiles, tears stinging at her eyes. She brought a shaking hand up to her moist brow. She just wanted to cry. She had hoped to begin today with a fresh outlook on her life. She'd wanted to get better but right now she felt worse and she couldn't shake all the doubt and the fear that swarmed at her insides.

"Just breathe," she whispered into the silent room. She rested her head against the cool wall. She couldn't lose hope before she had even begun to try again. "It's going to be ok."

After several long, cleansing breaths, she pulled her weary frame up from the floor and moved back to the sink. She splashed the icy cold water on to her face before gazing back at her reflection again. The girl before her was worn and haggard, yet she was barely twenty-four years old and a young mother. She soundlessly promised herself it wouldn't be like this anymore, as it wasn't supposed to be this way. She was too young, with too much to live for.

With all the strength she could muster she moved to her bedroom. She took her prescription medication with several gulps of water, just as she did religiously every morning. She moved to her open bag and pulled out her bedclothes so she could change out of yesterday's crumpled garments. She slipped into the little satin two-piece that Brooke had bought her during her hospital visits. The girls had joked that Peyton might ensnare a hardworking and handsome doctor wearing it. The skimpy baby blue outfit had always made her feel somewhat carefree, youthful and attractive. Right now that was exactly what she needed to feel.

She brushed through her tangled, stubborn curls before pulling them back into a loose, messy ponytail. She took a shallow breath as she studied the mirror critically. Not a vast improvement but better than the girl that had greeted her first thing that morning.

"Morning Peyt," his voice startled her away from her thoughts.

She turned to face him; he stood bleary eyed with his blonde locks a little ruffled from sleep. He stifled a deep yawn with his hand and Peyton couldn't help but smile as he seemed like boy she remembered.

"Morning," she murmured back in response as Lucas shuffled into her room. "How did you sleep?"

"I would have slept better if it hadn't have been for someone muttering and talking in her sleep."

"Sorry," she replied bashfully rubbing a hand self-consciously across her arm.

He may have jested as he pretended to complain at her tendencies to be a rough sleeper but he'd found it oddly comforting. He smiled gently; he'd missed this girl more than he realised. The sight of her in the camisole and tiny satin bed shorts instantly transformed him back to the days were as an adolescent teenager he couldn't keep his eyes from roaming over her lovely form. Truth be told he hadn't grown out of that stage, and his eyes travelled down the long contours of her limbs.

"Oh Peyton," he muttered as his expression clouded at the sight of the bruises all over her bare arms and legs.

He was moving toward her as she realised what held his attention. He attempted to reach for her but she turned sharply to grab the cardigan lying across her bed. She shrugged it over her shoulders to hide the marks but the damage was already done.

"It's nothing. Really it's nothing." She pulled the item of clothing tightly to her frame and felt the tears and embarrassment seep into the air between them.

His hand outstretched to rest on her shoulder. "Hey, I know you bruise easy. I know that's a symptom," Lucas tried to assure her. "I researched it. You don't need to hide it from me."

Peyton offered a tiny smile. She knew all too well that this sweet boy would do anything and everything he could to help and protect her. She loosened the grip on the cotton fabric as she attempted to relax.

"Are you ok?" he asked, his voice was now tainted with alarm. She realised her vain attempts to hide her dip in health were unsuccessful in his eyes too.

"Yeah I just don't feel so good today is all," Peyton gave him a weak smile. "I guess I just need to take things a little easier."

"Yeah the last couple of days have been pretty eventful," Lucas admitted. Lindsey's re-admission to the rehabilitation centre and Isabelle's reunion with her mother was a lot for them both. "You're sure you're all right?"

"Yeah. I have good days and bad days," she informed him. She tried to keep her voice calm and steady; like her "bad" days were nothing to worry about, though they still scared her.

"Maybe you should lie down." Somewhat unconvinced by her words, Lucas reached out to place a hand at the small of her back delicately and he steered her in the direction of the bed. He laid her down pulling the sheets and the blankets up to her chin just like he'd do for Isabelle when she was sick.

Lucas lowered himself down beside her. He pressed his palm to her forehead and frowned as he felt how hot it was. "You feel pretty warm. Do you want me to get a doctor?"

"No," Peyton shook her head, "I'm fine really. I just need to rest." She rested her head against the pillows.

"Are you sure?" She looked terrible. Her skin was pale and almost translucent, every breath she took was shallow and seemed to rattle through her. "Maybe I should call a doctor just in case."

"No, please," Peyton gripped his hand to stop him from standing. "I've taken all my pills. I'm just going to lie down and sleep it off. I'll be fine."

Lucas looked to the various white bottles littered across her bed side table, his heart surged with a long buried fear as his eyes scanned over the ominous drug names. He tried his best to shake it off as her eyes captured his attention again.

She reached over for his hand, "I'm gonna be ok Lucas. It's just a fever. It'll pass."

"Can I get you anything?" he asked in an effort to stop feeling so helpless. "Another blanket? Something to eat? Water?"

"No," Peyton muttered as she drew the covers even tighter around her body. "Luke, I'm fine really."

Lucas sucked in a breath; she looked anything other than fine. He was about to protest as a murmur and a gurgle from Isabelle's nursery sent both the parents' eyes in the direction of the nursery.

"You could see to her," she inclined her head to the door.

"Yeah," Lucas lifted himself up from the bed. He was grateful of something to do even if he left Peyton alone a little begrudgingly "Let me know if you need anything."

"I will," she promised. Her eyes trailed after his retreating form. Once his figure was beyond her view she let out a gentle sigh. She listened as he cooed and talked to their little girl in the next room. She stared up at the ceiling as she attempted to keep her fresh, stinging tears at bay. She wanted her family more than anything; they made her want to aspire for that perfect life.

* * *

Brooke Davis's knuckles rapped on the door of Lucas's home. She was here for Peyton but she felt so much better being in Tree Hill nonetheless. Being back in her hometown had filled her with such overwhelming warmth. She had long since discovered that there was no place like home and she'd often found herself nostalgic for it and all the happy memories it held. Her heels tapped purposefully against the hard wooden floor and she tilted her head towards the open window to her left. She felt a slight tickle of a smile at her lips as she felt the warmth of home spread through her.

The chilly North Carolina air brushing against her cheeks Brooke remembered to the very purpose of her visit. The door creaked open and Lucas and Isabelle came into the brunette's view.

"Hello Brooke," Lucas uttered as he balanced the little girl on his hip. He moved to greet his ex with a brief kiss to the cheek.

"Hi Luke," she said in a rasping voice.

"Come on in." Lucas moved aside so Brooke could enter and she propped her suitcase against the wall.

She looked from Lucas's crystal blue eyes to the child in his arms. The toddler had changed a lot since the last time Brooke had seen her. "Hi there little girl," she took hold of Isabelle's outstretched and chubby little hand. Her heart could have melted as she focused on the keen green eyes of Peyton's doppelganger. "You're so big now."

"Yeah she's growing up so fast." Lucas uttered as he looked back down to his daughter. "Thank you for coming though."

"No problem at all. I came as soon as I could," she informed him. In truth her journey home had been riddled with problems but that didn't matter. Her flight had been fraught with delays and Victoria had been more than difficult as Brooke informed her mother that she would be away for a while. Thankfully Millicent had offered to take care of everything. So with everything mostly settled on the west coast Brooke had set all her attentions upon Peyton's well-being.

"Well I appreciate it."

"So how's she doing?" She wasn't sure if it was the shadowed look he held in his eyes, or the tiredness in his voice, but something unnerved her. "Is she all right?"

"She's sleeping," Lucas uttered. "She hasn't been feeling well."

"What do you mean? What are her symptoms?" Brooke immediately fell into her maternal mode of action. It was the way she had learned to cope with Peyton's illness; she knew she could never just break down and cry. She was there for Peyton at every step of the way. She'd had to be the strong one as she took care of her oldest friend.

"She has a fever, kinda like she has the flu," Lucas's brow furrowed. "I don't know Brooke. She hasn't been out of her room all day. She says she's fine." The blonde man's eyes darkened over with another surge of fear. He'd spent the whole day on tenterhooks in case Peyton took a turn for the worst and had to be rushed to hospital.

Brooke nodded her head a fraction to indicate her understanding; she'd been through Peyton's turns in health many a time before.

"I'm sure she is fine," she ventured. "But maybe I should go check on her."

"Yeah," Lucas bowed his head in defeat. "That'd probably be for the best."

She placed her hand lightly on his shoulder and offered it a light squeeze. "She'll be ok Luke," she uttered and he nodded wordlessly. Despite her flawless and confident appearance, Brooke's eyes betrayed her; she was both frantic and worried for her best friend.

With a smile as comforting as Brooke could muster she turned on her heel and headed in the direction of Peyton's room. She knocked softly on the door before pushing it open. The small creak at the door captured her friend's green eyes and Brooke saw Peyton's smile.

Peyton lay propped up against the pillows behind her, a blanket draped over her legs. She was wearing an old Ravens basketball sweatshirt; the wording had faded into the fabric long ago and the garment was worn and frayed but Peyton insisted on wearing it.

"Hey P Sawyer," Brooke said gently as she entered the room. She sank down onto the mattress beside Peyton, before she embraced the fragile blonde gently.

"Hey B Davis," Peyton offered a smile by way of greeting as she hooked her dampened curls behind her ear.

"Hey," the brunette whispered back "Lucas said you were sleeping. You're not sleeping," Brooke added taking in Peyton's sketchpad and the iPod lying across her friend's stomach.

"Yeah I can't sleep," Peyton's eyes lowered to the pencilled drawing in front of her. "I just don't want him to see me like this." She needed him so much right now, but seeing his fearful and almost pitying crystal eyes made her all too aware of how ill she was. She didn't want him to see her as someone who was vulnerable and in pain.

"I know buddy." Brooke placed a palm to the blonde's clammy forehead. Her brow knitted with concerns, "you've taken your medication?"

"Yes mom," came the usual sarcastic reply. Though Peyton couldn't help but return a little smirk. She was grateful for Brooke. The brunette may have mothered her sometimes but she'd stuck faithfully at her side through the good times and the bad. Brooke always listened to the doctor's instructions and followed them completely. She'd looked up every treatment there was available for Peyton's cancer. Peyton didn't have to worry so much when the girls were together because Brooke took charge and took care of everything.

"I missed you B," Peyton's strength ebbed away as she rested her head onto Brooke's shoulder.

"Shh, I'm here now," Brooke kissed the top of Peyton's curls.

"I'm glad," Peyton murmured through a listless smile.

"What are you doing here P?" Brooke questioned after a few moments of silence. "I've been so worried. The way you just upped and left and didn't say anything."

"I'm sorry Brooke," Peyton murmured guiltily. "I just had to come."

"And I would have come with you."

Peyton shook her head, her thoughts drifting to her nightmares and all of her fears for Isabelle. Brooke would have thought her maternal instincts were crazy; or she may have understood. Peyton wasn't sure but what was done was done, she was here now and she didn't want to leave.

"I came for her," Peyton said simply.

"Sweetheart," Brooke softened immediately. It was the most natural thing in the world for Peyton to want to be with her daughter.

"She's beautiful," Peyton went on to say. "She's so smart and so…she's just amazing."

Brooke looked down to the grey sketch Peyton still held onto. Her lips curled into a smile at the picture of a beaming Isabelle. "She looks just like her mom."

"Yeah," Peyton felt the tears build up at the back of her throat.

"Talk to me P. Tell me what's going on." Both girls knew that it was useless to try and hide anything from the other. They'd been together too long not to notice even the smallest signs of trouble and secrets.

"I need to ask you something," Peyton began cautiously and Brooke's large chestnut eyes locked with her own.

"Something tells me I'm on going to like this," Brooke commented as the other girl swallowed hard before speaking again.

"I want to see the specialist you talked about. Dr Grayson. I want to go see him."

"Peyton," Brooke began as the concerns swelled within her soul. She'd tried to persuade Peyton to meet with the oncologist three months ago. Both had been exhausted from Peyton's intensive treatment routines and Brooke had watched helplessly as the blonde's hopes were continuously shattered by the failure of each drug to make her better or to have some positive effect.

When Peyton had refused to undergo the latest stem cell procedure under the doctor's clinical trials Brooke had eventually come to terms with maybe it was better not to put her friend through anymore pain and disappointment.

"I want to try again," Peyton reiterated.

"Sweetie we've talked about this," Brooke had pushed for Peyton to give Dr Grayson one final chance, but her friend had chosen to spare herself more discomfort and pain. "I thought you'd decided not to go ahead with any new treatments."

"I did, I mean we did. But being here and talking to Luke. I just," her voice hit an abrupt stop as the brunette's eyes clouded a fraction as she mentioned Lucas's name. It was no secret that there wasn't anything Peyton wouldn't do for the man she loved or the child they had created together.

"I don't know Peyton."

"I want to try Brooke," she reached for the brunette's hand and gave it a little squeeze. "Please."

"Honey," Brooke was truly taken aback by the request. Peyton had been so adamant upon stopping all the unsuccessful treatments and so intent on just enjoying however long she had left.

"I want to be with my daughter, Brooke. I want to fight for her."

"I know you do Peyton." Brooke felt her objections and her concerns rise. She was so naturally inclined to protect her best friend, her own almost maternal instincts screamed at her to make Peyton think this through.

"I owe it to her. I want to be with her." Peyton's tears threatened to spill down her pale cheeks.

"I know sweetie," Brooke's hand stroked through Peyton's tousled curls. "We'll talk about it when you've had some sleep."

Admitting defeat Peyton settled back into bed and laid her head against the pillows. Her fever was finally beginning to break and she felt exhaustion seep through her body. Her eyelids grew heavy as Brooke sat beside her, stroking her hair soothingly. Both girls knew that Brooke Davis had no intention of leaving the room until the blonde was sound asleep.

"I want my life back B," Peyton murmured plaintively. Her fingers curled to their place around her locket just as they did every night.

"I know you do honey. And we can talk about this properly in the morning," Brooke insisted as she took the sketchbook from Peyton's lap. "But right now you should get some rest."

Peyton's head bobbed slightly in agreement as her eyelids pressed shut as her mind gave into sleep.

Brooke soon left Peyton curled behind the covers as she drifted into a deep and exhausted sleep. She still slept like she had done when they'd have sleepovers as children; her long limbs stretched and tangled across the entire mattress and her face buried in her pillow.

The brunette mentally shrugged off her own fatigue as she glanced at her blackberry, which was once again inundated with emails as she walked down the dimly lit hall. She found Lucas in the nursery and tapped her manicured hand against its frame. Lucas's worried face met with her own as she moved to stand beside him as he continued to watch over the sleeping infant.

"Hi," she said. "Peyton's sleeping now. She'll be fine. The fever's beginning to break, which is a good thing."

Lucas's brow creased so Brooke continued with the voice of experience, "all long as the fever breaks she'll be fine. I'll keep checking in on her tonight but I don't think it's necessary to take her to the hospital. She just needs to rest and drink plenty of fluids."

"That's good," he looked just as scared as Brooke felt sometimes when Peyton's health spiralled downwards. "Thanks Brooke. Thanks for coming."

"How are you holding up?" the brunette asked her former ex boyfriend. He looked worried and beyond tired himself. But then she knew him well enough to know he'd probably spent every minute worrying about Peyton.

"I'm managing," Lucas rubbed the back of his neck.

"It's a lot to deal with," the girl stated with the voice of experience.

Lucas merely nodded, his eyes focused only upon his child as if he was trying to keep the darkened reality at bay.

Brooke's eyes fluttered down to the tiny person lying on her back in the crib. Peyton's little miniature brought the tears to Brooke's eyes and her lashes fluttered as she attempted to keep them at bay. From the instant she saw her friend's daughter she knew exactly why Peyton would risk everything once again to have the life with her child that she had always wanted.

"Peyton told me she wants to see the specialist in L.A."

She honestly hadn't intended to bring that up with him. Not until she'd spoken to Peyton about it properly as it was after all ultimately Peyton's decision to make. But then when it came to Lucas Scott, Brooke didn't always think that the blonde thought clearly. Peyton was still very much in love with the broody boy.

"Yeah," his voice sounded into the darkness.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?"

"You don't think it's a good idea?" he enquired. He turned to face her and was a little taken aback with the expression that met him. "We talked about it. I didn't pressure her into it if that's what you're thinking." Lucas defended his intentions.

Brooke let out an involuntary sigh and Lucas brought his blue eyes to look at her.

"She's been through a lot Lucas." She couldn't help but be concerned that maybe Peyton's body couldn't take much more.

"I know and I don't want to make her worse Brooke. I just want Izzy to have her mother back in her life. And that's what Peyton wants too."

Brooke couldn't argue with that; Peyton wanted her little girl and that fact struck hard at Brooke's heart.

"I won't do anything to hurt her Brooke," Lucas addressed Brooke's fears without her needing to voice them. "But she's still so young and if there's a chance that she could recover from this isn't it worth a shot?"

It was ultimately Peyton's decision and Brooke knew that. She just couldn't help but want to protect her best friend.

"Look it's been a long day. It's late and I'm kind of tired," Brooke said. He looked exhausted too and she thought all of them could benefit from a good nights sleep before anything was discussed. "Maybe we should get some sleep too."

"Yeah of course," Lucas conceded. "You take my room and I'll take the couch."

Brooke smiled her thanks to him, he knew all to well that she was accustomed to luxury and would rather not bed down on the couch. She followed him to the linen closet as he grabbed her some fresh sheets, which she took from him.

"Get some sleep Luke," she husked. "You look exhausted."

Lucas rubbed the back of his neck as he conceded to that fact. He pulled some blankets and pillows down from the high shelf for himself. "Thanks Brooke," he gave her a little smile before heading off down the hall.

* * *

Peyton awoke slowly to the tickling sensation of the warm morning's light upon her skin. She felt warm and safe as she huddled deeply within the bed covers. Her mind was still in a better place as she gradually came to. She could still smell the wild flowers and hear the ringing laughter of her little girl as they ran together through the fields. She could still see Lucas's beaming smile as he caught a giggling Isabelle into her arms. He reached to catch Peyton too. She settled against his hard chest as he brought his lips to her own.

Her lids opened lazily with protest. She loved that dream. She closed her eyes tightly again as if trying to recapture what she knew she could not.

The bedroom door creaked open and those signature heels clapped against the wooden floorboards. Brooke was already fully dressed as she made her way purposely to the other side of the room. Peyton watched the brunette pulled the drapes aside to allow the new day to spill in through the window.

"Brooke," she objected, signalling she was awake. She shielded her eyes with her shaking hand. Her body was still slightly weary after her not feeling well before.

"Morning sleeping grumpy," came the typical reply from the chipper girl and Peyton giggled a little at the nickname.

"Morning. What time is it?" Peyton grumbled. She pulled herself up into a seated position and ran a hand through her messy locks.

"More like what day is it." Brooke perched on the bed and brought her hand to Peyton's head. Peyton would often sleep for hours at a time when she became sick but she looked all the better for it. The colour had returned to her cheeks and her skin was much cooler to the touch. "You slept for almost sixteen hours. You were exhausted honey."

Peyton remained silent before Brooke handed her a bottle of water and her first daily round of drugs. Peyton took a sip of water to relieve the dryness in the back of her throat before she dutifully took the medication.

"How you feeling?" Brooke asked.

"Better," Peyton replied before she swallowed the little white pills with several gulps of water. She set the glass back down on the nightstand. "Where's Luke?"

"He went to see Lindsey," Brooke muttered then. She watched as her friend's face fell.

"Oh," Peyton didn't even try to hide how crushed she felt as Brooke supplied her with that piece of information. "She's allowed visitors now?"

"Yeah I guess so. Though I think Lucas went out today because he's been feeling helpless because he doesn't know what to do to look after you."

Peyton didn't seem convinced but Brooke had just spent that last day and a night with the boy who hadn't been able to relax for more than a moment before fretting over Peyton's welfare.

"So I've been thinking about what you asked me the other night."

The words brought Peyton out of her paranoia and her emerald orbs latched onto Brooke's deep brown ones. She bit her lip, not daring to speak in case her friend's decision ripped the wind from her lungs.

"If its what you really want," Brooke began taking Peyton's hand into her own. "Then I'll set up the appointment."

"It is," Peyton replied immediately and certainty.

"Ok," the brunette nodded. "Then I'll do whatever I can to support you."

"Thank you B," the blonde muttered as she rested her head onto her best friend's shoulder. She let out the tell tale sound of a sniffle as she tried not to cry the tears and the hopes she'd held at bay.

"As long as you're sure."

"I'm sure. I promise."

Brooke gave Peyton's thin arm a little squeeze for comfort. "I love you P Sawyer," she whispered into the blonde's ear.

"I love you too B Davis," Peyton grinned at they still continued to use their pre-teen pet names for each other.

"Ok," the brunette said as she dabbed at her eyes, determined not to spoil her perfectly applied makeup. "Well then, Missy Mom why don't you get up and take a shower. I'll go and make breakfast and we can spend the day with that gorgeous little baby of yours."

* * *

Five days later and Peyton felt better and more positive as she sat sketching in Lucas's study with Isabelle playing with her new purple monkey. The hazy late afternoon sun filtered through the window. Lucas was at an afternoon practice at their old high school and Peyton had more than willingly volunteered to watch Isabelle. Every moment with her daughter was priceless and she now relished the quiet time spent just being in her company.

At this time of the day the study got the best of the natural light and Peyton wanted to attain that advantage. She couldn't pin point to where her art had ceased being something she was good at and to something that defined her and all her passion but she knew art had become who she was.

She blended her bold charcoal lines with her index finger to smooth and blend the lines together. Her fingers cradled the little black stick as she let it glide cleanly and expertly against the white sketchbook. She curled her messy locks behind her ear in slight irritation as they fell in front of her eyes and obscured her view somewhat. She thought idly about leaving the room in search of a hair band but wanted to get her inspiration captured upon the page before she broke away.

A small giggle from Isabelle as she laughed and played with Brooke's gift broke the blonde's attentions from her work and to the infant. Isabelle's beaming smile and intelligent green eyes still captivated her. Peyton pulled herself up from Lucas's chair and crossed over to the little girl. Despite her aching lower back Peyton picked up her daughter from the carpeted floor.

"Hey there sweetie," Peyton cooed as Isabelle's gorgeous smile deepened and her tiny fingers reached up for her curls. She moved over to the desk with Isabelle cradled to her chest.

"You see that," Peyton motioned to her drawing; she knew Isabelle was far too young to understand her but she couldn't help but want her daughter to know of her and her father's childhood love story. "This is the first time I really saw your daddy all those years ago. Right here in Tree Hill. And he was so sweet to me even though I was mean to him," a saddened laugh tickled at her throat.

"I think I fell in love with him from the moment we spoke." She stared down at the picture lost to the memory.

Isabelle's gurgle drew her back to the present and Peyton's glimmering hope surged. "And you, well I fell in love with you even before I held you for the first time. I've loved you since you were inside my tummy. Your momma loves you Isabelle Scott."

She still wanted to reach out and hold her daughter at every given opportunity.

"Momma," Isabelle's small voice chimed out into the space between them.

For a split second Peyton thought she'd imagined the recognition by her daughter. She swallowed down the realisation of all that was at stake.

"Yeah that's right little girl, I'm your momma," she spoke softly as she blinked back the tingling sensation of her tears. It felt so wonderful and yet so bittersweet to her the words from the child. She placed a kiss to her daughter's softly curled fist. "I'm going to do everything I can to be your momma for now and forever."

She had to fight against the onslaught of her breaking emotions. Tomorrow was the beginning of her last shot at hope, as she and Brooke would be visiting the oncologist. She'd been both reluctant and nervous to meet with this doctor but she had placed a wishful belief in someone she hadn't even met yet. Now with Isabelle's trust and true recognition of who she was Peyton really knew the stakes were high.

"Hey," Lucas's voice drew Peyton's attention towards the door. His heart ached just a little from seeing the seamless fit of his own precious daughter curled so tightly in her mother's arms.

"Hey," Peyton grinned as Isabelle's curly-haired head nestled against her chest. "I guess I should put her down."

"I can do it if you're tired."

"No its fine," Peyton hoisted Isabelle to her hip and she moved towards the nursery. They'd settled into a somewhat familiar and family like routine quickly. When Lucas returned home from work Peyton would put Isabelle down and they would each take it in turns to either cook the dinner or prepare the baby bottles for the next day.

Schedule and the known did wonders to comfort her and as she laid down the little girl and watched those gold flecked eyelids press shut like delicate butterfly wings.

"So how was practice?" Peyton asked idly as she returned to the study, pulling her loose knit sweater around her shoulders suddenly feeling colder as the skies clouded over.

"Good, practice was good. I spoke to Lindsey today."

The mention of Lucas's wife sent Peyton's stomach in knots. "How is she?" She tried to keep both calm and neutral.

"She's doing alright. She might be able to come home soon."

"That's good," she chimed. It was good news; she was glad that Lindsey was getting better. She couldn't help but feel afraid of what Lucas spending so much time with his wife would mean for her. She knew it was silly and selfish; Lucas was still a married man.

"Yeah," Lucas's hand brushed absentmindedly against the back of his neck. Lindsey may be being released from the rehabilitation centre but she wasn't coming back to him. She'd made that clear before she'd been admitted and when he'd visited her. She wanted a divorce, she'd told him. He wanted to feel sad that his marriage was over, he felt guilty that it didn't bother him as much as it seemed to bother Lindsey herself.

"You ok?" Peyton asked interrupting his thoughts.

Lucas smiled sadly, "yeah things are just kind of messed up right now."

Peyton nodded, "Ever just want to go back to being a kid again?"

"All the time. So how was your day?" He still worried if taking care of the toddler was too much for her but Peyton refused not to be with Isabelle every day.

"Our day was really good. We had breakfast in the garden with Aunt Brooke and Izzy had her bath." Peyton beamed. "She's always an angel for me."

Lucas smiled, "I'm glad." He looked down at her charcoal covered fingers. "So what are you working on?"

The greying black smudges in her fingertips had his mind spiralling idly back to the days of their high school romance. He remembered how when she was staying with him after Ian Banks had tried to hurt her the first time. Peyton had refused to sleep; she'd refused to interact with the outside world and she'd just draw for hours in his room. He remembered how he'd come back from school and he would find the tiny dark markings of her medium of choice against his comforter. He'd never minded; it was Peyton and he loved her passion for her art.

"Nothing really," she said and stirred him back into the present.

His brow furrowed. He knew she was always private and secretive when it came to her drawings but her face shadowed with something a little bit different.

"It's just something for Isabelle," she tried to shrug off her agitation at being questioned.

"Ok," he smiled gently. He knew from so many past experiences how secretive and temperamental Peyton could be about her art so he didn't push any further. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah," she feebly attempted to return his smile as best she could. Isabelle calling her momma was still very much at the forefront of her mind. "I'm good."

"Good," he touched at her shoulder and she met his eyes and offered him a little smile, which told him she was doing well.

"Brooke's set up an appointment with the specialist she found. His name's Dr Grayson. He's the best in his field. He's in Charlotte for a few days so I'm going to see him."

"That's good," Lucas replied guessing this was the reason that Peyton didn't seem completely herself. She looked almost afraid but then he didn't really blame her.

"The appointment's tomorrow," she mentioned then.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Lucas had already started to make child care arrangements in his head for the following day. He had promised to be there for her this time and fully intended to live up to the promise.

"No it's fine. Brooke's taking me," the words past her lips as an unconscious reaction. She wanted him there with her and seeing the disappointment spread across his beautiful features she wished she could let him in completely.

"Oh," the words stuck in his throat. He put his hands into his pockets just for something to do so he didn't betray any more of his hurt and helplessness. It was hard enough knowing what Peyton had to endure to get better but not being there for her was worse.

"I just thought it would be easier that way with Isabelle and everything."

"I guess so," the look on his face told her that he wasn't convinced.

"Well I should go rest up," Peyton murmured her excuse to avoid those penetrating eyes. "I have an early start in the morning."

"Yeah of course." Lucas sank down onto the office chair and she retreated quickly from the room. He took a deep breath as he shook his head. She'd run away from him at every opportunity and that had to stop.

He pulled himself up from the seat sharply. He had every intention of going after her and talking to her until she saw reason and sense. With the very first purposeful stride he took, his foot kicked at the oval shaped box under the desk.

With a frown Lucas picked it up from the carpet. He wouldn't have opened it; he knew better than to invade Peyton's privacy. But its labelled sent his stomach plummeting and his fears sent waves of nausea coursing through his body. He lifted off the lid and his eyes scanned over the old photographs, her drawings, the keepsakes and the symbols that marked her life. Of their past life together.

* * *

"P Sawyer would you relax," Brooke instructed and patted the leather couch at her side for the blonde to sit down. In the past as they waited for what seemed like hours to be seen by a doctor it had been Brooke who was agitated and unable to wait patiently.

"Sorry," Peyton tossed her friend as sheepish smile as she stopped in her tracks. "I'm a little nervous is all."

"I know honey but it'll be fine," the other girl rasped her encouragement. "But you should sit down before you wear a hole into the carpet."

The blonde smiled sheepishly and sank down beside her friend. She took a deep breath as she attempted to cleanse her thoughts. "Thanks for doing this for me B."

"You're welcome," Brooke smiled. She reached for Peyton's hand and gave it a little squeeze of reassurance. She'd promised herself she'd do everything she could to help Peyton through this illness. She couldn't bear to lose the one person she considered her family more than those she was linked to by blood.

"Are you sure you want to go through all this again?" The long hospital stays; the days off Peyton being nauseous and in pain had taken its toll on both of the girls. Brooke had been there every step of the way and she wouldn't have it any other way. And she'd be there this time again but she remembered all too vividly sitting on the hospital's white floors in the bathroom, finding Peyton lying in a pool of vomit and feeling so helpless she couldn't do more for her best friend. She'd seen Peyton suffer through so much only to be dejected as the treatments failed to make any different to her worsening condition.

"Honey," Peyton reminded lightly. "You were the one who found Dr Grayson."

Brooke brushed back Peyton tangled hair. "I know and you know I don't want to lose you. Not now and not ever. But..."

"It's gonna be fine," Peyton assured. "I have to believe that it's going to work this time. I know you don't really approve," Peyton hushed over to her friend. She knew without Brooke uttering her objections that she didn't wholly understand of Peyton's sudden change of heart. "But thank you."

"I get it honey. I do. We'll do almost anything for the people we love," Brooke murmured. "I only wish my mom had been as selfless and brave like you. You're a good mom P."

"Thank you," Peyton turned her face towards Brooke and she couldn't help the proud smile that tugged at the corners of her lips. "Izzy called me mom yesterday."

"Oh honey." Brooke returned her best friend's proud grin. She'd seen Peyton with her daughter and it didn't surprise her that the little girl had come to accept and recognise her real mother so quickly.

"I want to hear her call me that for years to come," Peyton fought off the tears that memory caused behind her eyes. "I love her more than anything. And I want her to know me. But I'm really scared this time."

"Hey," Brooke encircled her arm around the other girl's shoulder and brought her in for a hug. That's when she truly realised that Peyton had given up trying to get better before because she thought she'd lost the one thing that meant everything to her. "I know you're scared honey but Alan's a really good doctor."

"Alan?" Peyton lifted her head from the crook of Brooke's shoulder. Leave it to Brooke Davis to bring her out of her negative frame of mind. She raised a suspicious eyebrow as she realised Brooke was on a first name basis with the oncologist. The brunette gave a less than casual shrug as Peyton kept her keen eyes upon her. "So is Alan cute?"

Brooke's dimpled and mischievous smile spread quickly upon her features. "He's a good looking man," she began, as the blonde's own grin widened. "He's also the world renowned doctor who's going to make you better."

"Uh huh," Peyton nodded. Brooke Penelope Davis couldn't fool her, not after so many years of friendship.

"Miss Sawyer," the nurse's voice stirred the girls from their conversation. "Doctor Grayson will see you now." Peyton stood up to follow the red haired woman dressed in the white uniform along the corridor. She gripped onto Brooke's hand as they entered to doctor's office.

* * *

Lucas pottered in from the garage after he arrived home from a day's coaching his high school basketball team with Nathan. He'd spent his time occupying himself at the River Court whilst Peyton had visited with the doctor.

He had needed to keep busy. He still hadn't processed the "time capsule" that Peyton had put together. He'd hoped a day playing basketball with his brother and their friends would have done something to ease his troubled mind. It had worked when he was out in the fresh air but as soon as he stepped back into the home environment he felt all the doubt and confusion swarm around him once again.

He found Brooke sitting at the kitchen table with Isabelle balanced on one knee whilst she answered her numerous emails of that day on her laptop with a glass of iced tea at her side. "Hey, she chirped by way of greeting.

"Hey. Where's Peyton?" Lucas enquired.

"She's upstairs taking a nap," Brooke answered as she pressed a kiss to Isabelle's forehead. "I told her I'd watch Izzy until you got home."

Lucas nodded in response and pulled open the refrigerator door and retrieved an ice cold beer. He popped it open and took a swig as he watched Brooke fuss over the little girl. "So how did the appointment go?"

"It went well," Brooke met his eyes then over the crown of Isabelle's blonde curls. "The doctors have signed her up for clinical trials. She can begin treatment next week."

"That soon?" Lucas took another gulp of his icy drink to try to alleviate the churning uncertainty in his stomach.

"Dr Grayson doesn't want to waste any time Luke." Brooke didn't voice that Peyton's illness had progressed, as she hadn't received treatment for the past couple of months. "The doctors want to start right away to improve her chances."

Lucas nodded as the woman spoke. He tried to focus on making plans for childcare and hospital stays rather than the nagging and consuming fear that surged within him. What Brooke was telling him wasn't exactly inspiring him with confidence. He had to believe that the doctors wouldn't even sign her up to his trials if they didn't think there was a chance to help her get well again.

"Right," he uttered uselessly. "So what happens next?"

"Well she'll undergo surgery for a stem cell cord blood transplant," Brooke uttered what she had gleaned from Dr Grayson's explanation earlier that day. "Normally Peyton would undergo a bone marrow transplant but since no one we know is a match…"

Lucas nodded, he knew from what he'd looked up that normally the doctors would you family members as donors but with Ellie deceased and Peyton's biological father unknown to her he guessed that would be the only viable option.

"Could Izzy be a possible donor?" That was one option no one had considered.

"Peyton would never use Izzy as a donor," Brooke repeated the firm, adamant wishes of her friend. "It'd be a painful procedure for Izzy and Peyton didn't want that."

Lucas just nodded, he didn't want to harm his little girl either, but once again he wished Peyton would discuss this with him.

"After the surgery she'll be placed in a sterile room to prevent post surgical infection."

Lucas shook his head, from what he'd read of stem cell research he knew the procedure was of high risk and only used for patients as a last resort to keep them alive and better their survival chances. Brooke only served to strength his fears and his dread.

"It'll be ok Luke," Brooke tried to remain positive as she watched Lucas's face shadow with doubt. "Peyton's strong and Dr Grayson is a great surgeon and a pioneer in stem cell research. We just need to stay strong for her."

'If only things were that simple' Lucas thought bitterly. He sank down on the unoccupied chair next to the brunette. He finally gave into the frustration and dread that plagued him.

"Yeah? What's the point in us being strong if Peyton's planning to die?"

"What?" Brooke was slightly taken aback by his outburst. Her gaze lowered back to child's fair curly hair. Lucas's blue eyes were too troubled and unsettling for her.

"Did Peyton tell you about the will? She needs to make plans just in case but that doesn't mean…"

"The will?" Lucas cut her off sharply. "She's written a will?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing. The shook in his voice seemed to rattle in his ears. Peyton had gone as far as planning that she was going to die. "She's made a will?"

It was all too much for him to hear. Lucas could barely even bring himself to imagine a world with his precious Peyton in it. Yet here he was learning that the girl had taken so many steps to plan for life with her gone.

"Luke, Peyton wanted to make sure everything was left for Izzy just in case." Her voice trailed to a halt, she couldn't bring herself to conclude the sentence.

Lucas brought his hand up to his mouth. He didn't understand any of this anymore.

Brooke looked into his deep, sad eyes. She bit her lip as she wished she could take it all back. Peyton's will was clearly news to Lucas but she could tell by his expression that something was wrong. "You're not talking about the will?"

"No, I'm talking about the morbid box of pictures she's been making."

His brittle yet harsh tone startled Brooke. Her mind spiraled as she could only imagine how helpless he felt. She understood from her own experience that Lucas coming across that box would have upset him. It had hurt Brooke too when she'd come home to find Peyton recording all of her treasured memories and nuggets of wisdom onto a tiny microphone.

"I shouldn't have said anything," she muttered.

"No, I'm kind of glad you did," Lucas didn't try to stop the anger tainting his voice. "It's not like Peyton wants to discuss any of this with me."

"Hey," Brooke felt her own objections rise. "That's not fair." She knew all too well and painfully that what Peyton was doing right now was for the perfect little family that she'd only wished for until a few weeks ago.

"None of this is fair," Lucas had to work hard not to raise his voice. Little Isabelle's wide, innocent eyes were fixed upon her father and he was reminded of all the times that he and Lindsey had fought in front of her. He silently cursed himself before reaching for his daughter.

Lucas lifted Isabelle and cradled her close to his chest. "I'm sorry baby girl," he pressed a kiss to her messy head of hair. "Daddy's sorry."

"Luke," Brooke murmured gently.

"It just kills me I can't protect her from this. Both of them," he admitted. "All I want to do is make her better. I'm used to just making things better for her and I can't with this. I can't do anything but hope and wait and it's killing me."

"I know," Brooke hushed.

"They both need me to be strong and I'm a mess Brooke." he swallowed hard after he admitted his true feelings.

"I know," she repeated. She placed a hand on his shoulder. "I know how hard this is but Peyton's really scared Lucas. She really needs you to be there."

"I'm so used to being the one who saves her." He closed his eyes tightly to stop the onset of tears.

"Do you still love her?" Brooke rasped the burning question.

Lucas's eyes cast down onto Isabelle's ringlets. He attempted to ignore the flickering memory that danced behind his eyes. It took him momentarily away from Brooke's chestnut eyes and back to a time that he'd rather forget.

"_You still love her don't you," Lindsey cried out as she staggered drunkenly in their bedroom. She held tightly onto the neck of an almost empty bottle of vodka._

"_Linds," he muttered uselessly._

_Her words had stung at the back of his mind and he hadn't been able to utter a real reply. Lucas hadn't truly known what to say or what to do. They'd got back together for the sake of Lindsey's health, because it was what she wanted and because Lucas had wanted to salvage the marriage and do what was right. _

_But his heart had yearned and ached only for the beautiful blonde he'd just learnt was carrying his child and who had cancer. _

"_I'm sorry," he whispered as Lindsey's arms had wrapped around him. Lindsey had sobbed because her husband had fathered a child with another woman and Lucas had cried because he may lose the love of his life..._

Lucas swallowed hard as he focused his attention back on the brunette. "I never stopped Brooke."

Her dimpled saddened smile shone knowingly. "It's always been about you two you know that," Brooke Davis, his first girlfriend from back in high school, declared. She'd always known it in her heart that her two closest friends were simply meant to be together.

A sad smile tugged at the corners of his lips, he couldn't argue with that fact. He just wished things could be similar for him and the fiery girl who'd captured his heart.

"Luke," Brooke said in a throaty voice. "Whatever Peyton might have done, and however misjudged, she just wants to do whatever she can for Isabelle. You two have always been in her heart."

Lucas's cuddled his precious daughter closer to his chest, "I know. Thanks Brooke."

The girl returned her wink, "you're welcome."

* * *

Lucas knocked softly on Peyton's bedroom door and waited until her southern twanged voice sounded to invite him in. He smiled as he pushed the door open to find her lying amongst the bed covers with a copy of "The Princess Bride" open and resting in her palms.

"Hey," she smiled as she set the book down on her lap.

"Are you crying?" He enquired and sank down onto the bed beside her. He took in the eyeglasses perching at the tip of her nose. He didn't even know she needed to wear glasses for reading but they suited her.

"No," she ran a finger under her damp lashes to brush away the telltale signs of her tears. Her eyes were slightly red and puffy from crying. She'd never been good at hiding anything from this boy. "Yes."

"You and this book," he chuckled plucked the tattered novel from her. He remembered teasing her years ago as he found her crying over the book during their senior year. He'd called her a dork and cuddled her closely, thinking how utterly love-able she was for tearing up over a book she'd read far too many times.

"My dad used to read me this book," she admitted with a sniff. "When I was home, sick from school. It's about true love being found and lost and then found again."

"With giants and pirates," he added sceptically.

"Yeah, well I love it. It makes me remember what it's like to be a kid again." She pulled the glasses from where they balanced on her cheekbones and dabbed at the corners of her eyes. "I'm a mess. I'll be right back, I'm just going to get some tissues."

Lucas smiled as she clambered up over the mattress in her little bed shorts. Her hand grazed his shoulder as she passed him and she dropped down to the floor. She gave him a little shy smile as she realised he was looking at her. He grinned in reply before she vanished into the bathroom. She could still be so girly when she wanted to be.

He caught sight of their locket glimmering against the bedside lamp. He picked it up from the bedding and flicked it open. His eyes scanned the two pictures inside; a day old Isabelle in her mother's arms and on the other side was an eighteen-year-old version of him. He remembered when she'd taken the photograph; they'd been road tripping up to see the Cure. It was the concert they never made it to but it was locked away in his memory as one of the very best days of his life.

Brooke was right. Peyton was the one that had carried their love on even when he was lost and confused. He didn't want anything to happen to her, he could hardly bring himself to think that she might not be all right.

"You should put this in your box," Lucas stated as she returned. He held up the book between his fingers to indicate what he was talking about.

Peyton stopped in her tracks, "how did you?" Her gaze fell straight down to her bare feet. "Don't be mad, ok. I can explain."

"I'm not mad," he moved towards her. Her body stiffened and her eyes trailed back to his warily. "I mean I was mad when I found it in my office."

"Luke, I never meant you to find it like that," she uttered.

"Shh, it's ok," Lucas stood up and brought his hands to her shoulders to stop her from speaking in her guilty tone. "Come on, sit down with me and talk to me." He wanted to know why she'd made the memory box but he knew that yelling at her and getting her upset wasn't advisable. Talking it out was better for her, even if what she might say might just fill him with more uncertainty and fear.

Peyton slid back to sit on the bed, she drew her legs up and tucked them under the blankets.

"Talk to me," Lucas repeated, sitting beside her and taking her hand.

"When I was little I had so many questions about my mom. I'd ask my dad but I think it hurt him to remember her. But I wanted to know so many things. Silly things like her favourite colour, what book always made her cry, what song gave her hope no matter how many times she hear it." His face broke into a smirk as he thought of Peyton's passion to her music.

"And bigger things too," she went on to say. "Like what she wanted to be when she grew up, what her dreams were. Who the first boy she'd ever kissed was and when she'd first realised she'd fallen in love with my dad.

"I want Izzy to know those things. I want to be able to tell her those things even if I'm not _here_ to tell her."

"Peyt," Lucas murmured as her eyes glittered. She would be here to tell, he hoped with all his heart that she would always be there for their baby girl.

"And I-I never got a chance to say goodbye to my mom or to Ellie, Luke. And I loved them so much and," Lucas tightened his grip on her tiny hand as she struggled to speak, his thumb lightly stroking at her knuckles. She'd lost two people she loved so suddenly and senselessly.

"It really hurt that I didn't get to say goodbye. It hurt more than anything else."

He swallowed hard, she'd needed to get this out but it almost broke him to hear it.

"I guess I needed to say goodbye to her," Peyton voiced the truth so quietly. "I don't want her to feel like I did."

"Shh," he pulled her in close. "It's ok." Lucas didn't want to hear it; he didn't want to imagine that terrifying possibility but he let her talk. He was happy she was opening up to him, the way she had always done before.

"I'm sorry."

"Me too.

"Friends?" Peyton asked, wanting nothing more than to be fighting on the same side as him.

Lucas smiled, cuddling her close to his chest. He knew he couldn't be mad at her when she gave him that little sheepish grin of hers; the one that told him she knew she had acted misguidedly, and maybe wrongly, but it was only because she'd been afraid. And it was because she was doing everything she could to do things right.

"Of course we're friends you knuckle head," he pressed a kiss to her tousled blonde locks.

"Good," she breathed in his scent and she buried her face into his shirt.

"Are you cold?" he asked as his eyes fell to her bare and goose pimpled little arms. The skinny arms that belonged to the girl he simply adored.

"No not really." She snuggled in closer to him, stealing his warmth. She felt safer and more secure right now than she had done all day. Lucas made her feel safe and sound as he stroked his fingers lightly through her hair.

"Come with me?" Her invitation brought his eyes up to lock with hers. "Come with me to the hospital next week."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I do want you there. I need you there," she struggled with her admission and his fingers curled tighter around her hand. "I do, I just get scared and stubborn and proud."

"I know," he rested his chin at the crown of her wild locks. "You think I'd have you any other way other than proud and stubborn?"

Peyton let out a little chuckle, "just as well really. Seeing as how I think the stubborn part is permanent."

"Oh I know that," he only half joked. He knew he wouldn't have her any other way.

"I'm really, really scared Luke," she murmured into his shirt. She needed and wanted to be all right this time so she could be in Isabelle's life. And in the life of the man she loved too. Her fingers scrunched up the fabric covering his chest as she finally voiced the fears she'd carried around that day.

"Shh, it's going to be ok." He was scared too. He was so scared for her and so afraid of losing her. "I'll be there every step of the way. I'm not going anywhere. It's going to be ok."

* * *

Peyton lay on the hospital bed as she watched the nurse take her vitals. She stared groggily about the clinic white room. The sterile isolation ward she had been put in still scared her as she was left with only the bleeping machines for company as she waited for another nurse or doctor to tend to her.

Lucas entered the room carefully; he wore the gown and the mask he'd been instructed to wear to keep from passing even the slightest of infection to her. His eyes trailed to the wires and the tubes that connected her to the various machines. He knew they served to monitor her progress and they helped her. And yet he was afraid of them; he hated them.

She would be all right. He had to believe that. He stared into her deep emerald eyes. Despite her pale and weak appearance he saw she still burned with the life he treasured.

His white-gloved hand moved to capture the limb hand lying at her side. At his touch her fingers tingled into action as she curled them to grip tightly onto him. He smiled through the surgical mask and knowing that she couldn't see his fears or his desperate need to have her finally know the truth he uttered, "I love you."

_Life is a journey. Sometimes there seems there is no propose to it other than to get from one place to the next. Sometimes as I lie here just hoping and praying to get to a better place all I can picture is you. You give me hope and a purpose; I guess I wouldn't be here without you. You're my dream and all I can do is pray that life may be good to me and give me a second chance to have the life I've hoped for..._


End file.
